Content Warning: Pregnancy Complications, Miscarriage
It’s okay to agree to disagree, but there are some things that you and your partner cannot disagree on and still expect the relationship to work.
And honestly, the sooner you know what those disagreeable points are, the better, urged the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ElectricalDetail1082 had been dating a guy for ten months and thought that the relationship was becoming something special.
But when they started talking about marriage and children, the Original Poster (OP) realized there had been a deal breaker waiting right in front of them the whole time.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my boyfriend that I don’t ever want to have kids with him?”
The OP was doing very well for herself and her children.
“I am 26 years old (Female), but I have never in my life felt ‘young.’ I am a mom, I have three kids (6, 5, and 4). I got married when I was 19, and my ex-husband was 29 at the time.”
“Right after I gave birth to my youngest, we separated and later divorced due to his abuse of me. I was scared it would eventually be my babies, too. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but it was the best thing for them.”
“That was four years ago, and since then, I have been living pretty decently for myself. Me and my children live in a house in my dream city, I have a wonderful job (I am a nurse now, with a bachelor’s degree!!), and I am so so happy. Happier than I have ever been.”
“I have friends and reconnected with my dad, who my children were never allowed to meet. They love him and my dad teared up when they called him ‘Pop Pop’ for the first time.”
The OP was in a great relationship, too.
“I also recently met this man named John. John is 28, very charming, so nice, has a great job, and was fine with me being a mother, which is very rare for men my age.”
“This was so important to me as my children are the most important things in my life.”
“He also has one child, who is seven years old. We have never met each other’s children, so we decided we would wait one year before that.”
“We’ve been going out for about 10 months already. It’s getting closer to the time, and the other day we were talking about what we think about the future and things like that.”
But it turned out that the pair disagreed on one very vital thing.
“The topic of marriage and children came up. I told him I was not opposed to getting married again if it made sense, but I definitely did not want any more children.”
“I explained this because 1. purely the cost, 2. I am tired of being pregnant, as I was basically pregnant for four years straight and had high-risk pregnancies all four times, one resulting in a miscarriage; and 3. my kids are older, and I know it’s not uncommon to have siblings four to six years apart, but I’m done with the baby stage. I just now feel like we are getting out of it.”
“John was very upset. He told me he imagined having a child with the person he married, even if he does already have one. He said it was important to him.”
“I asked him in this scenario, if it is me, that would mean we would have five children, and asked if he was fully prepared for that.”
“He said it’s not uncommon and was offended I suggested that.”
The OP was shocked by how poorly John took the conversation.
“He ended up telling me that not wanting another kid was a deal breaker to him.”
“I said fine, that really sucks, but I definitely would not be changing my mind. I make really decent money as a nurse, but five kids would just be so much.”
“He ended the conversation by telling me, ‘I don’t know why you care about the money so much when your ex pays you child support anyway.'”
“He told me that not wanting a kid with him meant that I wasn’t that serious in the first place.”
“So am I the a**hole for this? Not wanting another kid? Are more kids that important to people who already collectively have four?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was NTA because she knew what she wanted.
“And this is why I make sure that people know I don’t want kids right up front. I would be so p**sed off to waste 10 months of my life with someone, only to learn that they want another kid so badly to the point that it’s a deal breaker. Still NTA, though, OP.” – TheSecondEikonOfFire
“NTA. It’s easy for him to say he wants another child, as he’s not the one who has to go through the pregnancy and all of the risks and difficulties that come with being pregnant.”
“From his attitude, I’m guessing that he also won’t be a very hands-on dad since he’s so flippant about the entire situation. He talks about the OP’s three children she’ll be bringing into the blended household like they won’t be extra work for him as it is. It’s a red flag that he will do as little of the child-rearing as he can with them.
I also really hate how he’s making it about money and ‘love’ without even mentioning how big of a sacrifice being pregnant would be for her. He’s acting like he’s asking for a car and not for her to severely risk her health and relationship with her already existing children.”
“Consider this a blessing because you got out before the kids were involved.” – thisvideoslacker
“It’s easy for HIM to have another kid. No risk to him at all, he just does the fun part and waits around.”
“He will also be getting three more kids if you marry. You are 100 percent right to break up with him. He’s pretty selfish. I can’t imagine asking someone to go through a high-risk pregnancy because I really want a fifth child to raise.” – ThrowRArosecolor
“I am 38. I have one daughter, and I chose to have a tubal after my girl, in the middle of a divorce.”
“My doctor didn’t want to do it because of the situation, and I was like, ‘Look, I’m a mom already. I know what it’s like. She’s a toddler, not a tiny baby, and I had postpartum depression so badly that it tanked my life. I don’t want to do that or risk that ever again.'”
“This is what convinced him: ‘I will not be able to care for her, and she needs me. My existing child needs a healthy mom more than I need to have the ‘possibility’ of giving some man I’ve never met another baby.'”
“OP, if you haven’t already and you’re DONE like I was done, get your tubes removed. Conversation over, then and there. Not tied, removed.” – Sandybutthole604
“The OP said, ‘He ended up telling me that basically not wanting another kid is a deal breaker to him. I said fine, that really sucks, but I definitely will not be changing my mind.'”
“Well, that’s good that you all came to a difficult but adult decision.”
“Then the OP said, ‘He ended the conversation by telling me, ‘I don’t know why you care about the money so much when your ex pays you child support anyway.’ He told me that not wanting a kid with him meant that I wasn’t that serious in the first place.'”
“(Record scratch sound) I take it back, it sounds like YOU are an adult, but there is a big sulky baby inside your boyfriend, and the baby started lashing out when he didn’t get what he wanted.”
“NTA. I’m sorry what was a promising relationship is now ending, but rest assured you’re better off for it.”
“Never stay with a person whose first reaction to disappointment is to try to hurt you.” – stdnormaldeviant
Others agreed and stated the boyfriend’s priorities were not in the right place.
“I want to say this: never stay with someone who asks you to risk your own life for his expectations.”
“You’ve been pregnant four times, with four high-risk pregnancies, including one that did not make it (I am so sorry). If that’s not a good argument for him, nothing will be. It’s one of the biggest red flags I’ve ever seen.”
“NTA.” – frankman1995
“Him giving no f**ks about her health should be a deal breaker regardless.”
“She could die and then what? Leave her children without a mother? F**k that. Even if she lived, she could hurt herself so badly, she’d live in chronic pain.”
“Pregnancy is DANGEROUS. Men who want kids need to find women who are 100 percent on board, and they need to understand that if health issues come up, pregnancy may still not happen. Not hide it for 10 freaking months and hope to pressure his poor girlfriend into doing what he wants, at the risk of her health and sanity and life.”
“Her health should be the top priority here. If I were OP, that’s all I would be asking. ‘You want me to get pregnant even though you know it could be dangerous?’ ‘Are you asking me to risk my life to give you a kid?'”
“And ‘Do you think I’m more deserving of enduring pain and suffering than you? Would you ever make similar sacrifices by causing your d**k that level of pain for me?’ NTA.” – Prior_Canary5000
“Gotta love when a man acts entitled to our reproductive organs. ‘If you don’t give me a baby, you never loved me!'”
“Like dude, she had high-risk pregnancies AND a miscarriage, this would be a fourth for her, and you’re mad she doesn’t want to?? Ok, byyye!”
“I’m on my third right now and honestly think I’m done after this too, and I was lucky to have relatively smooth pregnancies.”
“There are nice parts, but it’s mostly just exhausting and uncomfortable, especially with two young children to chase around.” – Mental-Woodpecker300
“He’s not an AH for wanting another kid, but he DEFINITELY is for how he handled that conversation. I know that’s 10 months down the drain, but at least it’s not two years in or after you got married. NTA.” – Pure_Butterscotch165
“Yay for catching the red flags before he met the kids, though! That’s nice. That’s why it’s so important to wait to introduce the kids. I wish this was a more common practice.”
“But seriously, OP, Way to dodge a bullet. His response to disappointment shows you why he’s divorced in the first place. Imagine what he demanded of the woman he was married to. And kudos to you for waiting before introducing him to your kids.” – TieNervous9815
While John wasn’t wrong to want another child or to even want to have a biological child with the woman he’d spend the rest of his life with, he was wrong to pressure the OP to change her mind.
With multiple pregnancy complications already in the past and four children already in the mix, it was no wonder to the subReddit why the OP did not want to have more children.
They also pointed out that if John were really going to treat the children equally, he’d have three new children in his life very soon anyway.
By prioritizing a biological child over a blended family and assuming money was a bigger concern than bodily harm, it was clear John was not a good match for the OP, which unfortunately took ten months for her to figure out.