The beginning of a relationship is always an exciting phase that holds much promise and excitement.
But as a couple gets to know each other more intimately, emerging personality traits and idiosyncratic tendencies can potentially become a deal-breaker.
Redditor throwratinax is struggling with her boyfriend’s unusual predilection and voiced her concern in Reddit’s Relationship Advice column after confronting him about it backfired.
She titled her post:
“My (26 F[emale]) boyfriend (29 M[ale]) won’t use his real voice and it’s becoming a problem”
The Original Poster (OP) began her post describing her flourishing relationship.
“My (26F) boyfriend (29M) and I have been dating for just over five months now. In all other areas, things are going pretty well thus far. We’ve met each other’s friends and I’m planning on introducing him to my family soon.”
“My boyfriend’s voice seems to fluctuate a lot, way beyond what is normal. 99% of the time he’ll speak in this heavy, guttural voice that sounds like an action hero or something.”
“I know that some men have a deeper voice naturally but my boyfriend’s voice is far deeper than anyone else I know IRL. It’s practically a growl.”
“But as we’ve been spending more time together, I’ve noticed that there are certain times his voice sounds way different.”
“For example, a few days ago I asked him a question in the middle of the night when he was almost asleep and his voice sounded much more normal. Whenever he’s excited or taken by surprise, he lets this other voice slip.”
“This other voice is much higher in pitch and more… nasal-y if that makes sense? It’s nothing like the voice I associate with my boyfriend.”
A comparison to an earlier version of the boyfriend’s voice was jarring.
“When we first started dating, I remember noticing that my boyfriend had a voice that was lower in pitch than average but never thought much of it. But I was watching a saved video of the two of us from a few months ago and comparing now to then there has been a significant drop in pitch.”
“His voice is so gravelly now that he basically sounds like the Christian Bale Batman voice if the guy had also been a chain smoker.”
“This didn’t really seem like an issue until I was thinking about it the other day and I brought it up to my BF just out of interest. What I wasn’t expecting was for him to absolutely shut down, telling me to ‘mind my business’ and that his voice had ‘nothing to do with’ me.”
“Obviously this relationship is new but he’s never flipped out at me like that before. He’s actually usually a pretty good communicator.”
“How should I handle this? I don’t really understand the issue here or what is getting him upset, but I get the feeling it’s something we need to talk about if it’s making him react like this.”
“I don’t know why he’d put on a voice that is so much deeper than his natural one, especially considering nobody really talks like he does in real life.”
This Redditor implied the boyfriend may have a deep-lying insecurity.
“Maybe he’s insecure about his normal voice and thinks it’s too high pitched or feminine sounding?”
“That’s all I can think. His defensiveness about it points to insecurity and maybe hes not ready to talk about it yet.” – ChienLov3r
“Or perhaps he’s feeling super insecure because he gets misgendered at drive-thrus and over the phone, and he thinks he sounds like a woman and is having serious problems dealing.”
“Source: 230 lb manual labor bro who has been called ma’am FAR more than I would like. I don’t pitch down my voice in person but I do tend to drop an octave on the phone. Being misgendered hurts.” – moronicuniform
The boyfriend’s situation reminded this Redditor of a friend who was very self-conscious of his speaking voice.
“One of my best friends from high school has a voice that is best described as that of a dying seal.”
“It was made fun of quite a bit back then, and I noticed that once we left high school he dropped his pitch a little bit while we were around other people.”
“I never brought it up because he was obviously comfortable using his natural voice around me and not so much around ‘new’ people.”
“We’re now right between you & your boyfriend in age and he still often speaks with the lower pitch, but mostly in public.”
“You & your boyfriend have not been together very long so he obviously is not comfortable enough yet to let you see that ‘side’ of him.”
“I would let him know that you cherish him & it’s okay and safe to ‘let go’ in front of you and be 100% himself – without necessarily specifically mentioning the voice thing.” – demilyrose
This Redditor saw the issue for what it is.
“It’s 100% insecurity. Especially if he’s a typical bro.”
“I’m a big dude, I lift, and I’m into a lot of traditionally masculine things.”
“It wasn’t until I was 22 that I stopped feeling embarrassed about the fact my voice is about half an octave higher pitched than most of my friends.”
“If he’s a d*ck about it, don’t put up with it, but let him know that you don’t care, or that you’d prefer the real thing even if it’s something he eases into.” – livedadevil
“This is an issue. Performative masculinity is just a mask for insecurity and an inability to be vulnerable. I was this guy for a while.”
“I feel super foolish for having done this at the time, but it was indicative of my outwardly tough, inwardly fragile mental state.” – TheArchitect_7
People shared anecdotes about how their natural voices were misinterpreted.
“People ask me if my Mom or Dad are home.”
“Yes they are. But they don’t live here.” – Rach5585
“50 year old woman always mistaken for a teenage boy.”
“I have not been able to PAY certain bills over the phone in the past.” – Xazangirl
This person suggested therapy.
“He dislikes his own voice, thinks it’s ‘unmanly.’ Therefore he’s trying to cover it up to feel better about himself.”
“I can guarantee that he’s probably been either teased or bullied because of his voice before. Reassure him is my only advice here and maybe therapy for him as well if he’s up for it.” – Nutriksator
There were no updates about a followup conversation.
Hopefully, the couple was able to overcome this roadblock.