Redditor Painted-Planties is not your typical girly girl. She’s not a huge makeup wearer, save special occasions, and typically likes to be ready for her day in 15 minutes or less.
The Original Poster’s (OP’s) boyfriend, on the other hand, is used to dating women who fuss over their appearance regularly.
Lately, the OP’s boyfriend has been pressuring her to take on some of his ex’s beauty behaviors, leading to disagreements.
This has driven the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for not wanting to wear makeup?”
In her since-deleted post, she explained:
“Me [32-year-old Female] and my BF [41-year-old Male] have this ongoing battle, and I am trying to see if I am being an a**hole at this point or if my feelings are valid.”
“I did not grow up with many female remodels, i.e., I did not grow up wearing or learning how to wear makeup.”
“I also consider myself bad at femininity when it comes to keeping up with things like shaving, doing my hair, etc.”
“I’m more of a roll out of bed, spend 15 minutes getting ready, and then take on the day kind of gal.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I dress up for work, and I dress up on special occasions, but I don’t tend to take the time to straighten my hair and put on makeup.”
“Well, about a year ago, my BF and I started dating. I know from his past GF’s that he is used to a girl who wears a full face of makeup on the regular.”
“For me, I see makeup as more of something to use to try to cover up flaws or change the way you look because you don’t like it or something. And maybe that’s where the issue lies.”
“But he has mentioned multiple times now and even gotten a little argumentative about me not wanting to try to wear more makeup and dress up more and be more of a girly girl.”
“It has come to the point where I feel like he doesn’t like me as I am and wants to change me into something I am not really comfortable with.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA. If you’re not someone who likes to wear makeup, then there’s no conversation beyond that. He cannot change who you are or what you look like.”
“If he prefers someone who wears makeup, then he needs to find that person, not force you to become that person.”
“The qualities of ‘femininity’ that you reference are all societal standards that come from men’s attempt to control women.”
“It’s perfectly fine to enjoy using makeup or dressing up, but it does not make you any more or less of a woman.” – stinkhornfan
“NTA – while I’d argue that you can wear makeup for more reasons than you’ve mentioned (like, if you’re into it, it can be great for self-expression or just plain old creativity), that’s not the point…”
“…and the real point is that it’s ultimately your choice whether you wear makeup or not.”
“Like, if he was encouraging you to explore different forms of presentation, that would be fine.”
“But if he wants you to meet certain presentation standards that just aren’t yours, maybe he should be looking for someone else?”
“(I’m not saying you should break up, but it’s certainly not your job to present in some femme style just because he wants it)” – Anovadea
“Your body, your choice. Say no. NTA”
“If he wants a girly-girl, he can break up and go back into the dating pool. You aren’t a project for him to fix, and there is nothing wrong with you, anyway.” – KronkLaSworda
“NTA. There’s nothing wrong with women not wearing makeup.”
“Presumably you were this way when you met, so if he wanted to date someone who wears makeup all the time, he shouldn’t have pursued anything with you.”
“It’s concerning not just that he is trying to change you, but that he’s argumentative about it. Huge red flag. Out of curiosity, has he tried to change/control you in other ways?” – Stranger0nReddit
“‘I see makeup as more of something to use to try to cover up flaws, or change the way you look because you don’t like it or something’”
“Whilst I disagree wholeheartedly with the above, I think the decision whether to wear makeup or not is for each person to make.”
“You should not be pressured into it by someone, anyone, else if you don’t want to. In short, you do you and f*ck the haters.”
“NTA” – ReviewOk929
“Yeaaa, your BF doesn’t like you the way you are, and he does want to change you. He wants a girly girl. And that’s not you.”
“And it doesn’t have to be, you, either. You have probably been quite happy with the way you dress and look. Until … this guy?”
“You don’t have to keep your BF. You can set him free to go find somebody that is more in line with what he thinks his GF should be like.”
“Or you can put up with him arguing with you about what you look like, and how he sees it as being lacking, for the foreseeable forever. NTA” – YouthNAsia63
“NO NO NO!!! NTA!!”
“‘I feel like he doesn’t like me as I am and wants to change me into something I am not really comfortable with’”
“You’ve answered your own questions and you don’t realize it. This man does NOT love you for who you are, who you’ll become or who YOU want to be.”
“A real man would accept you no matter what, tell you that you don’t need makeup, he loves you just the same and nothing will ever make you look more beautiful than your own natural beauty.”
“Leave this man in the dust because You should not be pressured into it anything by anyone, as it’s your life and not theirs. Personal hygiene vs the use of makeup are two different things entirely.”
“(Deodorant, brush your teeth and bathe/shower regularly) The use of makeup is a personal choice and is absolutely not required nor should you have to ‘Discuss’ the use of makeup.”
“NO is a full sentence.”
“ETA : I just saw your reasoning and..”
“‘The action I took that should be judged is defiantly refusing to do what my BF wants me to do. And I feel like doing that in itself, makes me an asshole. When really I should want to do things that I know make my partner happy. But I don’t feel like this is necessarily one of those times.’”
“Let me just say… ‘defiantly refusing to do what my BF wants me to do.’ This isn’t okay.”
“Just because he’s your spouse, husband, boyfriend, ETC, DOESN’T mean that you can’t say no!!! Especially if it makes you uncomfortable.” – Confident-Try20
”NTA, your intuition is correct here I think. He doesn’t care about your comfort or preference or experience, he wants you to doll up for him.”
“It’s up to you how far you want to go and to communicate with him why does he want that – if he isn’t attracted to how you are, why did he got into a relationship with you?”
“What would be a comfortable compromise for you both – waxing every 4 weeks, hairdresser every two weeks, makeup when you are going out in the evening together?”
“Is he willing to pay for all of that? Are you willing to put the time for it?” – atealein
“NTA. You’re not a doll. The way you look and dress should be about what makes you feel confident and expresses who you are.”
“If a hyper-feminine, the high-maintenance look doesn’t make you comfortable and doesn’t feel like you, then you shouldn’t feel pressured to look that way, not even if your boyfriend likes it.” – xenomouse
“As an avid makeup wearer who does things that society deems as ‘feminine’…. Why the fresh hell would he go into a relationship with someone he knew from the beginning didn’t do those things?”
“There is nothing wrong with you choosing to be natural—and him nagging you to change that when he knew who he was going to be dating is not fair to you.”
“This whole ‘I can fix him/her’ syndrome has GOT to stop in our society… especially when it’s things that don’t even need fixing.”
“OP, please don’t change yourself just to appease him. Dump his a**. NTA” – Fine_Board3482
“NTA, I also do not wear makeup unless I feel like it for the sporadic night (or not). I have been married for 20 years I have three kids.”
“I think 2023 we passed the request for women to wear makeup, shave or do ANYTHING to please stereotypes.” – KikiMadeCrazy
“I prefer minimal makeup on my wife; she, in my opinion, is naturally beautiful and doesn’t need it.”
“Everyone is entitled to their own preference, though, when it comes to makeup. It’s not controlling, it’s a preference.”
“If it’s so much of an issue, he can go find himself someone else who likes to cake it on.”
“You should be with someone who likes to look at you the way you present yourself.”
“NTA” – shiny_new_spine
Definitely NTA, OP.