Redditor Painted-Planties is not your typical girly girl. She's not a huge makeup wearer, save special occasions, and typically likes to be ready for her day in 15 minutes or less.
The Original Poster's (OP's) boyfriend, on the other hand, is used to dating women who fuss over their appearance regularly.
Lately, the OP's boyfriend has been pressuring her to take on some of his ex's beauty behaviors, leading to disagreements.
This has driven the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for not wanting to wear makeup?"
In her since-deleted post, she explained:
"Me [32-year-old Female] and my BF [41-year-old Male] have this ongoing battle, and I am trying to see if I am being an a**hole at this point or if my feelings are valid."
"I did not grow up with many female remodels, i.e., I did not grow up wearing or learning how to wear makeup."
"I also consider myself bad at femininity when it comes to keeping up with things like shaving, doing my hair, etc."
"I'm more of a roll out of bed, spend 15 minutes getting ready, and then take on the day kind of gal."
"Don't get me wrong, I dress up for work, and I dress up on special occasions, but I don't tend to take the time to straighten my hair and put on makeup."
"Well, about a year ago, my BF and I started dating. I know from his past GF's that he is used to a girl who wears a full face of makeup on the regular."
"For me, I see makeup as more of something to use to try to cover up flaws or change the way you look because you don't like it or something. And maybe that's where the issue lies."
"But he has mentioned multiple times now and even gotten a little argumentative about me not wanting to try to wear more makeup and dress up more and be more of a girly girl."
"It has come to the point where I feel like he doesn't like me as I am and wants to change me into something I am not really comfortable with."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA. If you're not someone who likes to wear makeup, then there's no conversation beyond that. He cannot change who you are or what you look like."
"If he prefers someone who wears makeup, then he needs to find that person, not force you to become that person."
"The qualities of 'femininity' that you reference are all societal standards that come from men's attempt to control women."
"It's perfectly fine to enjoy using makeup or dressing up, but it does not make you any more or less of a woman." - stinkhornfan
"NTA - while I'd argue that you can wear makeup for more reasons than you've mentioned (like, if you're into it, it can be great for self-expression or just plain old creativity), that's not the point…"
"…and the real point is that it's ultimately your choice whether you wear makeup or not."
"Like, if he was encouraging you to explore different forms of presentation, that would be fine."
"But if he wants you to meet certain presentation standards that just aren't yours, maybe he should be looking for someone else?"
"(I'm not saying you should break up, but it's certainly not your job to present in some femme style just because he wants it)" - Anovadea
"Your body, your choice. Say no. NTA"
"If he wants a girly-girl, he can break up and go back into the dating pool. You aren't a project for him to fix, and there is nothing wrong with you, anyway." - KronkLaSworda
"NTA. There's nothing wrong with women not wearing makeup."
"Presumably you were this way when you met, so if he wanted to date someone who wears makeup all the time, he shouldn't have pursued anything with you."
"It's concerning not just that he is trying to change you, but that he's argumentative about it. Huge red flag. Out of curiosity, has he tried to change/control you in other ways?" - Stranger0nReddit
"'I see makeup as more of something to use to try to cover up flaws, or change the way you look because you don't like it or something'"
"Whilst I disagree wholeheartedly with the above, I think the decision whether to wear makeup or not is for each person to make."
"You should not be pressured into it by someone, anyone, else if you don't want to. In short, you do you and f*ck the haters."
"NTA" - ReviewOk929
"Yeaaa, your BF doesn't like you the way you are, and he does want to change you. He wants a girly girl. And that's not you."
"And it doesn't have to be, you, either. You have probably been quite happy with the way you dress and look. Until … this guy?"
"You don't have to keep your BF. You can set him free to go find somebody that is more in line with what he thinks his GF should be like."
"Or you can put up with him arguing with you about what you look like, and how he sees it as being lacking, for the foreseeable forever. NTA" - YouthNAsia63
"NO NO NO!!! NTA!!"
"'I feel like he doesn't like me as I am and wants to change me into something I am not really comfortable with'"
"You've answered your own questions and you don't realize it. This man does NOT love you for who you are, who you'll become or who YOU want to be."
"A real man would accept you no matter what, tell you that you don't need makeup, he loves you just the same and nothing will ever make you look more beautiful than your own natural beauty."
"Leave this man in the dust because You should not be pressured into it anything by anyone, as it's your life and not theirs. Personal hygiene vs the use of makeup are two different things entirely."
"(Deodorant, brush your teeth and bathe/shower regularly) The use of makeup is a personal choice and is absolutely not required nor should you have to 'Discuss' the use of makeup."
"NO is a full sentence."
"ETA : I just saw your reasoning and.."
"'The action I took that should be judged is defiantly refusing to do what my BF wants me to do. And I feel like doing that in itself, makes me an asshole. When really I should want to do things that I know make my partner happy. But I don't feel like this is necessarily one of those times.'"
"Let me just say... 'defiantly refusing to do what my BF wants me to do.' This isn't okay."
"Just because he's your spouse, husband, boyfriend, ETC, DOESN'T mean that you can't say no!!! Especially if it makes you uncomfortable." - Confident-Try20
"NTA, your intuition is correct here I think. He doesn't care about your comfort or preference or experience, he wants you to doll up for him."
"It's up to you how far you want to go and to communicate with him why does he want that - if he isn't attracted to how you are, why did he got into a relationship with you?"
"What would be a comfortable compromise for you both - waxing every 4 weeks, hairdresser every two weeks, makeup when you are going out in the evening together?"
"Is he willing to pay for all of that? Are you willing to put the time for it?" - atealein
"NTA. You're not a doll. The way you look and dress should be about what makes you feel confident and expresses who you are."
"If a hyper-feminine, the high-maintenance look doesn't make you comfortable and doesn't feel like you, then you shouldn't feel pressured to look that way, not even if your boyfriend likes it." - xenomouse
"As an avid makeup wearer who does things that society deems as 'feminine'…. Why the fresh hell would he go into a relationship with someone he knew from the beginning didn't do those things?"
"There is nothing wrong with you choosing to be natural—and him nagging you to change that when he knew who he was going to be dating is not fair to you."
"This whole 'I can fix him/her' syndrome has GOT to stop in our society… especially when it's things that don't even need fixing."
"OP, please don't change yourself just to appease him. Dump his a**. NTA" - Fine_Board3482
"NTA, I also do not wear makeup unless I feel like it for the sporadic night (or not). I have been married for 20 years I have three kids."
"I think 2023 we passed the request for women to wear makeup, shave or do ANYTHING to please stereotypes." - KikiMadeCrazy
"I prefer minimal makeup on my wife; she, in my opinion, is naturally beautiful and doesn't need it."
"Everyone is entitled to their own preference, though, when it comes to makeup. It's not controlling, it's a preference."
"If it's so much of an issue, he can go find himself someone else who likes to cake it on."
"You should be with someone who likes to look at you the way you present yourself."
"NTA" - shiny_new_spine
Definitely NTA, OP.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.