Redditor Painted-Planties is not your typical girly girl. She's not a huge makeup wearer, save special occasions, and typically likes to be ready for her day in 15 minutes or less.
The Original Poster's (OP's) boyfriend, on the other hand, is used to dating women who fuss over their appearance regularly.
Lately, the OP's boyfriend has been pressuring her to take on some of his ex's beauty behaviors, leading to disagreements.
This has driven the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for not wanting to wear makeup?"
In her since-deleted post, she explained:
"Me [32-year-old Female] and my BF [41-year-old Male] have this ongoing battle, and I am trying to see if I am being an a**hole at this point or if my feelings are valid."
"I did not grow up with many female remodels, i.e., I did not grow up wearing or learning how to wear makeup."
"I also consider myself bad at femininity when it comes to keeping up with things like shaving, doing my hair, etc."
"I'm more of a roll out of bed, spend 15 minutes getting ready, and then take on the day kind of gal."
"Don't get me wrong, I dress up for work, and I dress up on special occasions, but I don't tend to take the time to straighten my hair and put on makeup."
"Well, about a year ago, my BF and I started dating. I know from his past GF's that he is used to a girl who wears a full face of makeup on the regular."
"For me, I see makeup as more of something to use to try to cover up flaws or change the way you look because you don't like it or something. And maybe that's where the issue lies."
"But he has mentioned multiple times now and even gotten a little argumentative about me not wanting to try to wear more makeup and dress up more and be more of a girly girl."
"It has come to the point where I feel like he doesn't like me as I am and wants to change me into something I am not really comfortable with."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA. If you're not someone who likes to wear makeup, then there's no conversation beyond that. He cannot change who you are or what you look like."
"If he prefers someone who wears makeup, then he needs to find that person, not force you to become that person."
"The qualities of 'femininity' that you reference are all societal standards that come from men's attempt to control women."
"It's perfectly fine to enjoy using makeup or dressing up, but it does not make you any more or less of a woman." - stinkhornfan
"NTA - while I'd argue that you can wear makeup for more reasons than you've mentioned (like, if you're into it, it can be great for self-expression or just plain old creativity), that's not the point…"
"…and the real point is that it's ultimately your choice whether you wear makeup or not."
"Like, if he was encouraging you to explore different forms of presentation, that would be fine."
"But if he wants you to meet certain presentation standards that just aren't yours, maybe he should be looking for someone else?"
"(I'm not saying you should break up, but it's certainly not your job to present in some femme style just because he wants it)" - Anovadea
"Your body, your choice. Say no. NTA"
"If he wants a girly-girl, he can break up and go back into the dating pool. You aren't a project for him to fix, and there is nothing wrong with you, anyway." - KronkLaSworda
"NTA. There's nothing wrong with women not wearing makeup."
"Presumably you were this way when you met, so if he wanted to date someone who wears makeup all the time, he shouldn't have pursued anything with you."
"It's concerning not just that he is trying to change you, but that he's argumentative about it. Huge red flag. Out of curiosity, has he tried to change/control you in other ways?" - Stranger0nReddit
"'I see makeup as more of something to use to try to cover up flaws, or change the way you look because you don't like it or something'"
"Whilst I disagree wholeheartedly with the above, I think the decision whether to wear makeup or not is for each person to make."
"You should not be pressured into it by someone, anyone, else if you don't want to. In short, you do you and f*ck the haters."
"NTA" - ReviewOk929
"Yeaaa, your BF doesn't like you the way you are, and he does want to change you. He wants a girly girl. And that's not you."
"And it doesn't have to be, you, either. You have probably been quite happy with the way you dress and look. Until … this guy?"
"You don't have to keep your BF. You can set him free to go find somebody that is more in line with what he thinks his GF should be like."
"Or you can put up with him arguing with you about what you look like, and how he sees it as being lacking, for the foreseeable forever. NTA" - YouthNAsia63
"NO NO NO!!! NTA!!"
"'I feel like he doesn't like me as I am and wants to change me into something I am not really comfortable with'"
"You've answered your own questions and you don't realize it. This man does NOT love you for who you are, who you'll become or who YOU want to be."
"A real man would accept you no matter what, tell you that you don't need makeup, he loves you just the same and nothing will ever make you look more beautiful than your own natural beauty."
"Leave this man in the dust because You should not be pressured into it anything by anyone, as it's your life and not theirs. Personal hygiene vs the use of makeup are two different things entirely."
"(Deodorant, brush your teeth and bathe/shower regularly) The use of makeup is a personal choice and is absolutely not required nor should you have to 'Discuss' the use of makeup."
"NO is a full sentence."
"ETA : I just saw your reasoning and.."
"'The action I took that should be judged is defiantly refusing to do what my BF wants me to do. And I feel like doing that in itself, makes me an asshole. When really I should want to do things that I know make my partner happy. But I don't feel like this is necessarily one of those times.'"
"Let me just say... 'defiantly refusing to do what my BF wants me to do.' This isn't okay."
"Just because he's your spouse, husband, boyfriend, ETC, DOESN'T mean that you can't say no!!! Especially if it makes you uncomfortable." - Confident-Try20
"NTA, your intuition is correct here I think. He doesn't care about your comfort or preference or experience, he wants you to doll up for him."
"It's up to you how far you want to go and to communicate with him why does he want that - if he isn't attracted to how you are, why did he got into a relationship with you?"
"What would be a comfortable compromise for you both - waxing every 4 weeks, hairdresser every two weeks, makeup when you are going out in the evening together?"
"Is he willing to pay for all of that? Are you willing to put the time for it?" - atealein
"NTA. You're not a doll. The way you look and dress should be about what makes you feel confident and expresses who you are."
"If a hyper-feminine, the high-maintenance look doesn't make you comfortable and doesn't feel like you, then you shouldn't feel pressured to look that way, not even if your boyfriend likes it." - xenomouse
"As an avid makeup wearer who does things that society deems as 'feminine'…. Why the fresh hell would he go into a relationship with someone he knew from the beginning didn't do those things?"
"There is nothing wrong with you choosing to be natural—and him nagging you to change that when he knew who he was going to be dating is not fair to you."
"This whole 'I can fix him/her' syndrome has GOT to stop in our society… especially when it's things that don't even need fixing."
"OP, please don't change yourself just to appease him. Dump his a**. NTA" - Fine_Board3482
"NTA, I also do not wear makeup unless I feel like it for the sporadic night (or not). I have been married for 20 years I have three kids."
"I think 2023 we passed the request for women to wear makeup, shave or do ANYTHING to please stereotypes." - KikiMadeCrazy
"I prefer minimal makeup on my wife; she, in my opinion, is naturally beautiful and doesn't need it."
"Everyone is entitled to their own preference, though, when it comes to makeup. It's not controlling, it's a preference."
"If it's so much of an issue, he can go find himself someone else who likes to cake it on."
"You should be with someone who likes to look at you the way you present yourself."
"NTA" - shiny_new_spine
Definitely NTA, OP.
Woman Breaks Up With 'Clingy' Boyfriend For Making Joke About 'Getting With' Her Sister
As much as we might want to date someone, there's no point in trying to gain the attention and affection of someone who does not want to reciprocate.
Dating someone "similar" to fill that void isn't a good look, either, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Flashy-External1666 had been long-distance dating a guy from her friend group for about a month, even though he'd expressed his attraction to her older sister repeatedly before they started dating.
When her sister entered a new relationship, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and disgusted that her boyfriend insinuated that he could have been trying to "get with" her sister while he was instead busy dating her.
She asked the sub:
The OP was aware that her boyfriend had his eye on someone close to her before dating her.
"I (19 Female) am with M (21 Male), and we've been together for a month. We were friends before this, for a while."
"For some background, when we were in a friend group, he'd always talk about how my sister (23 Female) was super hot and how he wanted her, but she was in a relationship at the time."
When he found out that her sister had been in-between relationships, he had an unsavory reaction.
"Earlier today, I mentioned to him how my sister started seeing this new guy, and I was super proud of her, because she went through a lot with her last relationship."
"His immediate reply was, 'Dang,' one month too late' with a sad emoji, insinuating that he was one month too late to get with her, because we've been together for a month."
You can see the text message exchange here:
The OP was immediately turned off by the idea of dating him.
"After I got upset and he apologized, he immediately sent me a reel that said, 'When she's already upset about me, but I have a second joke in mind.'"
"I feel like he genuinely doesn't care about me."
"He has also gotten weirdly clingy within the month, like red-flag clingy."
"He keeps trying to say how he loves me, wants to marry me, and wants me to go live with him. But he also always brings up my exes and gets super jealous when HE mentions them."
"I don't know what to do. Should I block him??"
"He's mentioned before that I would need to block him on everything if we ever broke up because he'd never leave me alone (we are currently long-distance)."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some were grossed out by the boyfriend's text message and understood why the OP was upset.
"The fact that he wrote all that out and even added a little emoji at the end and still decided to send it, knowing it would be hurtful for you."
"Seems like he’s texted that to see if he could get away with it. Either way, you don’t say something like that to someone you care about…" - Oven_Traditional
"NOR. Ew! That’s so disrespectful coming from someone who should be thrilled to have you."
"I’m team 'dump him.' If he has a brother, maybe ask for his brother’s number as you end it just to see how he likes it." - Entire-Tonight-1463
"NOR. He's not joking about your sister. Based on what he's said about her in the past, it would have been a wise move to NOT date him at all. PERIOD."
'There's a possibility that he's clingy/close to you for the purpose of indirectly keeping an eye on your sister. Release him and let him go, thereby setting yourself free from foolishness." - AtlJazzy2024
"He’s not for you… Break up with him and block him. You deserve a guy who treasures YOU!" - Muted-Lynx-8745
"He might be your boyfriend, but you're not his girlfriend. In his mind, your sister is." - Save-your-spoons
Others urged the OP to block her boyfriend and move on.
"Girl, it's been a month. Let that loser go." - sleepymelfho
"He kept OP as a backup, while circling her sister's orbit. What has happened to transparency and honesty in relationships? All I read now is obnoxious men doing obnoxious things to their partners."
"OP, he's keeping you around to stay close to your sister. You deserve better... NOR." - ColdHandGee
"NOR. You know that he's not joking about wanting your sister. He told on himself before you even got together, talking about how hot she was. Believe him."
"Break up with him and cut him off immediately. I can't believe you ever agreed to date him in the first place. I'd never want to date someone who had the hots for someone else in my immediate circle, whether that was a sibling or a friend." - Lanky_Mud_8148
"You’ve been dating one month, and that’s one month too long."
"He’s not joking about your sister. He fancies her more than you, and you’re the consolation prize. He will pursue her given the chance."
"Time to dump him." - Special_Wind_6708
"NOR. He can't have your sister, so you're just the next best thing. Him being a clingy weirdo that 'will never leave you alone' is the cherry on top."
"You know what to do. Dump him and block him on everything. If anyone from the friend group asks, just tell them what you told us. And you REALLY should warn your sister; you have receipts." - sdoM-bmuD
"Ditch him. Honestly. What are you waiting for?" - forget_me_not_uwu
"NOR at all. Cut this loser out of all channels of your life."
"I wouldn’t block, though. Just ghost so that he can watch you become happier without him as the ultimate revenge because I’m petty like that, and he clearly deserves it."
"ALSO, if he's as creepy and clingy as he sounds, you can have him muted, so he can see your activity, but you won't have to see his... But you'd have all of his messages as receipts if he ever became threatening or stalkerish for police purposes."
"For more context: My mum started dating my dad (when she was 19, too), who initially tried to go for her older sister (two years older) and got rejected."
"After three years of dating, seven years of engagement, and 20 years of marriage where she put up with an incompetent man-child that wouldn’t do anything for himself and expected her to completely cater to him while he berated her and treated her like s**t..."
"...it ended in him cheating on her with a waitress for over a year and denying it until my mum had literal photographic evidence, to which he had the audacity to respond with the reasoning that she was the reason he was 'driven to cheat' (as if that was even remotely close to the truth and the only option to solve his ‘problems’)."
"Save yourself, girl. This man-child can learn to pine over you and your sister from afar as you both skip into the sunset together, moving on with your lives and into better relationships that fulfill you the way you deserve!" - peachycritter
Some cautioned the OP to also cover her tracks after the breakup, as he sounded worse than "clingy" to them.
"The actual scary part isn't even the sister joke; it's, 'he said he'd never leave me alone if we broke up,' only one month in."
"That line gave me chills, and that alone would have me Googling how to block someone on every platform that exists." - babydoodle91
"Ew. These super clingy guys right out the gate are scary. Please watch your step, and erase your tracks." - Immabirb
"He sounds like a stalker... Drop him now, fast. And block him everywhere." - Admirable_Program720
"NOR, yes, you block him, and you keep him out of your life, and you tell mutual friends that if they try to facilitate contact between you two, you will block them as well. He isn't joking." - JustAsICanBeSoCruel
"I watch way too much crime for this!"
"Girl, block him. Also tell your sister to block him, too; he’s obsessed with her." - MrsRoronoaZoro
"NOR. You're underreacting, honestly."
"He wants your sister, but you're close enough. He's obsessed with her and won't give it up even though he has someone he 'wants to marry.'"
"Also, he's not lying. He probably will stalk you online afterwards; please be careful." - Phoenix-Phire-38
"NOR at all. Your post kept adding on more red flags with each additional sentence. I know you’re young, but he’s toxic, and yes, you will need to block him."
"Breaking up with someone you have strong feelings for is really difficult, so when you leave, you should make sure to lean on friends and family and keep yourself distracted with things you like and find engaging." - query_tech_sec
"The s**t with your sister is nothing compared to the love-bombing and jealousy. This guy is trouble, and scary, and you will have done the right thing when you leave him and maintain the distance between the two of you. NOR." - potatomeeple
After receiving feedback, the OP posted an update, but it seemed to be only the beginning.
"Thank you for making me feel less crazy."
"I blocked him on everything and deactivated my Instagram."
"He DM'ed a girl that I had posted ONCE on my Instagram Stories, asking about me."
"I'm not sure if he's going to keep trying to talk to me, but I hope not."
The subReddit's internal alarm bells were ringing while reading the OP's post, and they hoped that she'd leave her boyfriend in every sense of the word. They already lived long-distance, but she needed to cut him off in every other sense.
Not only was it obvious that he wanted someone else and was with the OP to "make up for it," but his "promises" of not leaving her alone if she ever broke up with him were love-bombing and stalker-like, at best.