We all have different thresholds for “pain” in a relationship, meaning what we’re willing to put up with and still continue dating the person.
Most of us would firmly place living with a mother-in-law in the “absolutely not” category, agreed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit, especially if we didn’t get to discuss it first.
Redditor Pretend_Instance_156 had been shocked when she found out that her boyfriend was moving his mother into their shared apartment, and without talking to her about it before making plans.
But when her mother-in-law even got the landlord involved to make her stay permanent, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t feel like it was her home anymore and decided to leave.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for moving out of my apartment after my boyfriend’s mother moved in without notice?”
The OP had a surprise waiting for her one day when she got home.
“My boyfriend (38 Male) and I (31 Female) have been together about a year and living together most of that time. Both of us are on the lease, and we split the rent.”
“I came home from work one night, completely wiped with zero energy left, and just wanted to eat something and not talk to anyone.”
“I opened the door and saw boxes everywhere and shoes I didn’t recognize.”
“His mom was sitting at the kitchen table like it was totally normal. She smiled and said, ‘Oh good, you’re home. I’m staying here for a while.'”
The OP was angry that she was not included in the decision.
“Not asking, not even explaining, just saying it. Nobody asked me beforehand or even tested the waters to see how I would feel about this.”
“Apparently, she had a fight with her sister and didn’t want to live there anymore or pay rent, so she came to our place. She already moved clothes in, and she was already talking about changing the kitchen around because she doesn’t like where things are.”
“I looked at my boyfriend, waiting for him to say something, anything, and he just kind of shrugged and said, ‘It’s temporary. She’s my mom.'”
The OP didn’t feel like it was her home anymore.
“From that moment, I felt like I didn’t live there anymore.”
“She wasn’t yelling or being openly mean; it was worse. Just constant little comments about what I ate, how late I worked, why I wasn’t home more… And then she was going around, cooking for her son, going through cabinets, reorganizing stuff without asking, sitting on the couch when I got home, asking where I’d been, when it’s obvious I was out working.”
One day, the OP realized she’d had enough.
“I kept telling myself not be the crazy girlfriend and not to be the woman who hates his mom, it’s just temporary…”
“But then she casually told me she had talked to our landlord.”
“She said she let him know she was staying like it was helpful and like she had the right to do that.”
“I told my boyfriend this wasn’t okay and that nobody asked me. I said that her calling the landlord crossed a huge line.”
“He told me I was overreacting and that family helps family, and if I wanted a future with him, I’d have to be more understanding.”
“I just felt done.”
“That night, I emailed the landlord and gave my 30-day notice, packed a bag, and told my boyfriend I was done.”
“He said I was selfish and forcing him to choose between me and his mom.”
The OP slowly started to make plans for herself.
“I didn’t even feel comfortable staying there anymore. I felt watched all the time, so I slept in my car for two nights, showered at the gym, cried in parking lots, and felt stupid, but it was quieter than being in that apartment with her constant nitpicking.”
“Some friends say I did the right thing, and others say sleeping in my car was extreme, and I should’ve waited it out since it was temporary, but I really don’t think it was temporary.”
“The woman doesn’t have a husband and acts like her son is the husband.”
“I don’t know. I just know that I didn’t agree to live with his mother, and my life stopped feeling like mine.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some were certain the boyfriend and his mom deserved each other, and the OP deserved better.
“NOR. He’s a 38-year-old momma’s boy. I would have left too.” – lyingtattooist
“NOR. Yikes. I would’ve run too. His mom would only get worse from here.” – Awkward_Capitol7897
“She deserved more respect and consideration. NTA.” – Prosecco1234
“Tell him, ‘I didn’t ask you to choose between your mother and I. You already chose her. Is she going to keep your bed warm, too? Goodbye.'”
“OP, you can’t marry a man who’s already married to his mommy. She won’t be moving out. Just break up with him.” – rocketmn69
“It sounds like your ex and his mom deserve each other! You did the right thing. Thank God profusely that you didn’t marry him.” – Friendly-Channel-480
“NOR.”
“Moms who don’t want the best for their sons and overstep boundaries are the devil.”
“The guy I was dating allowed his mom to come between us, and to this day, it doesn’t sit right with me.”
“She’d show up unannounced and stay longer than expected. She would move stuff around to make the space ‘prettier’ and to function in a way that ‘made sense.’ She complained and nitpicked everything I did, and praised his every move. I moved out.” – MarthaWashington18
“NOR. You were grossly disrespected by both of them, but especially by your ex-boyfriend, for not giving you any notice. He could have met you for coffee/ quick cocktail around the block from your flat, even if it’s just a heads up and some reassurance.”
“He’s showing you who he is, and who his top priority is. Luckily, you picked up on it immediately. Congratulations for moving out and maybe even moving on ( He is not at your level).” – R_the_waves_tooloud
Others agreed and reassured the OP that she deserved to be included in all of the decisions if her ex and his mom actually valued her.
“No wonder she had a fight with her sister! NOR. Your boyfriend should’ve asked if you were okay with her staying.” – angelsite3
“The fact that she just announced she’d talked to your landlord says everything about the total lack of respect for you and your home.” – Available_Angel3305
“It was wrong to let the mom move in without discussing it first. If that’s how he treats the relationship now, it will deteriorate more over time.” – Prosecco1234
“She left her sister’s house because she didn’t want to pay rent. She wouldn’t pay rent at her son’s place either. I doubt it will actually be ‘temporary.'”
“One year into the relationship? I agree 100% with you leaving. Sleeping in a car sucks, but you got out, and you are free now. Good for you.” – I_Love_Juneau
“NOR. He didn’t ask because he knows it’s unreasonable and you would obviouslysay no, which would have been your right.” – Doggedart
“I think he absolutely knew and planned it so she wouldn’t be able to say no. That alone would make me want to leave!”
“I doubt she showed up with moving boxes without her son knowing. This is what she wanted, and she did everything on purpose.” – thewildatheart
“You definitely aren’t overreacting. If my husband did something like this, it would send me to another dimension. Your home is supposed to be a safe space, and your boyfriend completely violated that.”
“It’s your space just as much as his, and you deserved a conversation prior to this happening in order to make a unanimous decision. I’m sorry you had to sleep in your car and not feel welcome in your home.” – agitated-fly7273
“My husband told his mother no you aren’t moving in with us. Good thing too, because it’s my house, and then they both would have been gone. You did the right thing, even though it’s difficult.” – SusanBHea
“NOR. And it’s not about him choosing you or his mom, or not wanting to help her, even. It’s a shared home and you weren’t asked, consulted, warned, thought of… nothing. Problem number one.”
“And THEN he doesn’t speak up and tell her to mind her business and to stop harassing the one helping pay her way. His letting her go unchecked is problem number two.”
“I love that you moved out, honestly!” – thef**k
The subReddit was furious on the OP’s behalf that she’d been treated that way and that her ex-boyfriend somehow thought it was okay to leave her out of such an important decision.
While it’s true that family helps family, any two people who intend to stay together, whether it’s a long-term domestic partnership or a marriage, commit to being part of each other’s chosen family, which is just as important.
The ex-boyfriend may have been helping his mom out during a difficult time, but his girlfriend deserved just as much consideration if he wanted her to stick around.