Sometimes, when it comes to personal injury, people can't accept help from others.
Stress and shock can always play a factor in injury reactions.
Not everyone will see authentic help as help.
There is no perfect way to comfort the injured.
A partner on Reddit wondered about their reaction to their wife's knife injury, so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Redditor Party-Witness7271 asked:
"AITAH for not showing more sympathy for my wife when she mangled her hand using a gift from her mother that I told her was dangerous?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife will never refuse a gift from her mom."
"And once she accepts it, she will be sure to use it."
"This has never been a problem before. "
"I don't give a sh*t about how our front yard is infested with gnomes and other ceramic crap."
"I don't care that we have decorative spoons from around the world."
"I do care that my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] gave us a double-edged serrated bread knife."
"I saw a new handle in our knife block, so I took it out to look at it."
"It looked dangerous."
"I tried cutting some sourdough with it and almost cut myself."
"I told my wife it was dangerous and we should just put it away."
"She insisted it was fine and left it. Whatever."
"I went and told both our kids not to use it."
"It took five days."
"My wife was cutting a bagel with the wonder knife, and she cut the web between her thumb and forefinger."
"Deep enough, she cut that big tendon too."
"I heard her screaming and ran to help."
"I wrapped her hand in a clean paper towel and then in a kitchen towel."
"We only live a few blocks from a hospital, so I didn't call 911."
"I had our son drive us there while I kept her hand elevated and put pressure on it."
"She has to have surgery on it."
"I NEVER ONCE SAID I TOLD YOU SO!"
"I also, apparently, was not as sympathetic as I could have been."
"I don't know what else I could have done."
"I held her hand the whole time."
"At the hospital, I did all the talking while she got admitted."
"I did not leave her side until we got home."
"She said she could feel my judgment."
"I don't know what that means."
"I did throw the knife away, though."
"Can anyone please explain what I did wrong?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA ?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I am a professional chef."
"The number 2 stealer of finger tips is a serrated bread knife."
"Number one is a mandolin."
"I tell all my new servers when they are cutting bread: keep your thumb clear.'"
"The witch of knives comes stealing." ~ boldpaperglasses
"Yeah, I took a slice off my thumb the first time using a mandolin."
"It was a lesson to always use the frickin' safety guide."
"I loved my mandolin, but I had to learn the hard way to treat it with respect."
"As for the bread knife, it's mainly only an issue when I've thoughtlessly dropped it into soapy water."
"Now it's lurking unseen under the surface, like a shark, just waiting to slice up my fingers when I go searching for it." ~ rebelkitty
"NTA. Sometimes, the looming 'I told you so' is worse than just saying the words and getting it out there, between you two."
"She's in a bad mood because..."
"1) Her hand hurts, probably a lot..."
"2) She knows she screwed up..."
"3) She now knows you're right (if she didn't before), and..."
"4) Is waiting for you to gloat and hit her with the 'I told you so.'"
"Even if you never intend to do that, in her head, you probably already have." ~ AmethysstFire
"How the hell are you guys using knives?!"
"I've accidentally cut myself with knives, but mostly nicks."
"You don't have a knife problem, you have a problem with not using knives correctly!" ~ Head_Bed1250
"I'm genuinely confused about this, myself."
"I can't imagine a double-edged bread knife being any more dangerous than a single-edged bread knife, and I wouldn't consider either to be actually dangerous unless you're doing weird sh*t with them." ~ saraTbiggun
"The way you wrote this makes it seem like... You don't actually like your wife very much."
"You seem annoyed by her personality (ceramic crap, spoons you don't give s hit about) and general demeanor."
"I say mostly NTA, but if my husband was saying this sort of stuff about me with that tone - I'd feel judged in general, not just in that moment." ~ whoaitsmarsh
"Oh man!"
"My mom did that exact same thing to her hand about 30 years ago."
"The doctor who stitched her up said that specific cut in that specific area (regardless of how it occurs) is called a 'Bagel Cut' in the medical community."
"In the 80's/90's, when bagels became more mainstream, this injury began showing up in Emergency Rooms all over the country in large enough numbers that the medical community gave it an unofficial name."
"You're NTA."
"She's not actually mad at you."
"She's really embarrassed (she probably had to explain how she injured herself multiple times, to multiple people while in the Emergency Department, each time causing further embarrassment)."
"So not only did she hurt herself in a way that could have been avoided, but an item her mom gave her was the instrument of injury."
"She's probably more angry at her mom, but you're an easier target." ~ coffeebugtravels
"I agree the knife sounds like a cut waiting to happen, but the specific way she was cut sounds like she would have done it with a normal knife, too."
"Cutting that part of your hand while slicing a bagel means she was probably holding the bagel in a burger grip as she cut it instead of holding it flat on the counter and cutting sideways with her palm on top of it." ~ Ebenizer_Splooge
"I honestly don't think you did something wrong. But I guess, you kind of radiated the anger that your fear came true, it is something I know from myself, and it sometimes gets in the way."
"My elderly Mom lives in a hoarding mess that is like Australia - it is hot, and everything tries to kill you."
"Sometimes I think SHE is trying to kill herself by setting up all those death traps for herself - and as well for me."
"When she falls and hurts herself, or she hurts herself and doesn't tell me, doesn't want a doctor, and after weeks complaining, I finally just make an appointment without telling her, and something turns out to be broken, I feel anger."
"It is not pointed towards her, but about her, but after all, I can't fully hide it."
"I also don't say 'TOLD YOU SO,' but this anger about 'I've seen this coming, and it was unnecessary 'will still shine through."
"By the way, when I visit my Mom for a few days, there is also such a knife, I hate it, and it has already tried to kill me."
"And I remember it well from my childhood, we have a bloody history, the knife and me."
"I will take your story as a reason to finally throw it away; it's the best decision. 🙂." ~ PlumOne2856
"Sounds like your whole household should take a course on basic knife skills if everyone's cutting themselves on a bread knife... lol."
"I get it's got 2 sharp sides, but there's no scenario where your hand should be under the blade or pressing down on the back of a bread knife blade anyways if you're using it properly, so there's something more going on here than it being 100% the fault of a knife." ~ Bear_Caulk
"As a daughter who receives bizarre gifts from her mother, I can relate."
"I will never use the felted pixie hat with a scarf attached or wear the jewellery she buys me because it's for children, but I keep them as they are physical representations of her love for me."
"Be kind."
"Be patient."
"She hurt herself with something her mother gave her; she's suffering enough." ~ AntidotesAll
"NTA - she knows she was wrong and doesn't want to admit that you were right."
"You did everything you should have."
"Sometimes, people have to learn the hard way."
"Painful lesson." ~ Primary-Delivery737
"I've seen people have a much harder time 'forgiving' those who protected them (or tried to) than those who actively hurt them."
"On top of it all, the kids saw this all play out - your common sense, your attempt to warn the family, her choice to ignore your concern that led to a quick fafo situation."
"She's embarrassed."
"I really hope she swallows her pride enough to apologize for projecting her anger onto you."
"She was probably thinking of your concern about the knife the moment it happened."
"Good job on not saying told you so."
"That has never helped anything." ~ shootingstarstuff
"NTA, but you're kind of in the situation I was in a few years ago."
"Husband refused to use a cutting board like a normal person and insisted he could cut a bagel while holding it."
"Cut the same part of his hand like your wife, but not as badly."
"Ended up needing stitches."
"I absolutely told him, 'I told you so.'"
"Told my elderly aunt about the incident."
"She bought him a bagel slicer."
"My aunt meant no ill intent with the gift and genuinely thought she was helping."
"I found it hilarious."
"He now uses the bagel slicer. 😂." ~ Snickers_Kat
Reddit is with you, OP.
You warned her.
And you accompanied her to the hospital.
She is probably dealing with her own guilt.
Try not to let it bother you.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp