Woman Calls Out Boyfriend For Disappearing For Hours On Walks With No Communication

Anxiety and depression can be situational or clinical.

Situational is related to a specific event or issue. Situational anxiety can be triggered by having to speak in public or a big deadline at work. Situational depression can be triggered by a death in the family or loss of a job.

Situational anxiety and depression need to be treated if they begin to severely impact daily life.

Clinical anxiety and depression are harder for people to understand. There can be triggers or no triggers at all for clinical mental illnesses. Everything can be going right, but a person with clinical anxiety or depression will still suffer the effects of their illness.

This is harder for people without a clinical mental illness to understand.

Clinical mental illnesses require treatment often including medication to regulate.

A woman concerned with her boyfriend's method for dealing with his mental health turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

_BoatyMcBoatFace asked:

"AITA? My BF goes on walks for 5-7 hours and doesn't communicate where he is."

The original poster (OP) explained:

"Me (36, female) and my boyfriend (37, male) have been together five years. He has extreme anxiety and panic attacks and will take long walks to calm down, which I am supportive of."

"On numerous occasions, these walks have turned into other adventures and he doesn't update me. I have woken up at 3am, 5am or even 8am the next morning to find him still not home."

"After worried and frantic calls, he will reluctantly answer and make me out to be unreasonable and controlling."

"The places I have located him at after hours of no contact are: Numerous bars, bars that are closed, at a hotel across town with random people, friends' houses I do not know, breakfast and drinks with strangers, a 55-year-old woman's house having a "heart to heart", parties with strangers he met on his walk."

"AITA for being worried and angry when he doesn't communicate where he is going/if his walks turn into hangouts with friends?"

"I think it's extremely disrespectful, he says I'm being controlling."

The OP summed up their situation.

"I have made my boyfriend share his location with me (I share mine with him). He says having his location is enough communication."

"I want to hear directly from him what his plans are. I also told him he is acting like a 20-year-old out on his own for the first time.

"And I get extremely worried and angry when he does this. He doesn't think it's inappropriate to be out until 3-6am without updating me on his plans or whereabouts."

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

"NTA ….reread what you just posted and pretend you are an outsider."

"Your boyfriend is either 1) cheating, 2) addicted, or 3) has a second family. And he gets mad AT YOU for worrying? No ma'am.

"As someone who struggles with mental illness, walking EIGHT HOURS is not what's done for anxiety and panic attacks."

"He's lying to you and you are so in love you believe him. I'd also get an STD check if I were you." ~ creativejo

"NTA. These are not 'walks'." He is going places. Sketchy places." ~ StAlvis

"NTA. You're not being controlling. Going for a walk and ending up in a bar—repeatedly—is not how you deal with panic attacks. Nor is going home with strangers."

"This behaviour is so odd—what else is going on? Surely this isn't the only anomaly in an otherwise great relationship?" ~ Moose-Live

"My ex-husband did this exact same thing. He'd blamed his mental health for the reason needing to 'go on a walk and clear his head' at the most random times—morning, afternoon, evening, middle of the night.

"Gone for HOURS. Wouldn't answer the phone, tell me where he was or where he's been. He was having an affair. NTA." ~ Sad-Doubt-6969

"You beat me to it. My ex-wife would do the same thing: claim she was having a panic attack, needed to clear her head, needed to calm down, needed to go on a drive, etc. and would disappear for hours at a time."

"Sure enough, she was living a full-blown second life with a girlfriend. Being gone for hours at a time like this is a huge red flag. NTA." ~ Has-Died-of-Cholera

"Yeah, these 'panic attacks' are withdrawal and homeboy is in the middle of a huge drug problem." ~ Boring_Ghoul_451

"That's all I was bumping on... Dude is Jonesing, going for a walk to get his fix. Doesn't need to be drugs—gambling, sex, booze—but it's clearly an addiction cycle." ~ Scary_Possible3583

"NTA. These supposed walks ending in unlikely-to-actually-be-random places are not about his preventing panic attacks."

"There's a lot more deception going on than you think, and his defensiveness and comments about your perfectly reasonable, normal question/worrying being too controlling are another tip off."

"Affairs? Addiction? Does it matter? because bottom line he's not being honest and is gaslighting you. 🚩🚩🚩"

"He's not acting like a healthy partner at all and he doesn't seem like he even cares to be one. Your instincts are sounding alarms, you know what you already know, that this is not in your head." ~ Antelope_31

"Yeah, the panic attacks are a red herring. There is no medically accepted treatment for anxiety that involves the person doing absolutely whatever they want whenever they want with zero questions or consequences." ~ nefarious_planet

"The 'panic attacks' seem more like a misdiagnosed symptom of something else. Are they actually panic attacks? Or is OP's boyfriend getting upset, antsy, etc...?"

"Because I know very few (none) people who want to go out alone to random places and hang out with random strangers while in the midst of a panic attack."

"The behavior OP is describing is extremely common for people who are in active mania. Up all night, engaging in high risk behavior, substance use (alcohol), etc..."

"Boyfriend needs to see a professional because the 'panic attack' excuse isn't going to hold up forever." ~ mmwhatchasaiyan

"People are talking about addiction and mental illness like they're mutually exclusive. They're often comorbid (occurring together). People self-medicate with illegal drugs or alcohol all the time for anxiety, depression, etc."

"OP, your concerns aren't unreasonable, NTA. But knowing you're justifiably concerned accomplishes what for you?" 

"If you're going to use this to get your boyfriend to accept he needs to seek professional help, what's your plan if it doesn't work? You can't force him."

"You need to decide what you're going to do about his behavior. You have zero control over what he decides to do." ~ MohawMais

"The only person I know who meets people like this just going out and about are addicts. I doubt panic attacks have anything to do with this." ~ llamadramalover

"10,000%, this reads exactly like how my husband (now sober) would act, specifically during manic episodes (which fed into binges)."

"So OP before rejecting all these comments because you don't think your boyfriend does drugs—this is absolutely the behavior of someone addicted to alcohol as well." ~ FiftyShadesOfGregg

"He's doing things he doesn't want you to know about, and is using the excuse of 'walks' to cover it up. Next time he needs to go for a 'walk', offer to go with, and tell him you won't talk, but you just want to be there for him. If he says no, you know it's more than just a 'walk'." ~ baby-Ella

"NTA. It's very likely there are darker and more concerning reasons than mental health going on—as others have suggested, drugs or affairs or something similar."

"However, for your sake I want you to consider that EVEN IF things are exactly as he is portraying them to you, there is STILL a huge issue and one that I would say is easily relationship ending."

"Even if everything is as he says, he's still in a VERY unhealthy place and is not being a good partner to you by trying to make you feel like you're being overbearing. You're not."

"Having him disappear for hours on end and usually ending up in sketchy, unsafe situations is not okay. It's not normal, it's dangerous for him and it's untenable for the relationship between you two."

"You seem so used to this that it doesn't strike you as odd, but, girl—this is bad."

"I promise there are better situations for you out there. Cut him loose and a couple of years from now you're going to look back and CRINGE that you ever put up with this sort of behavior." ~ byrandomchance20

The OP provided an update:

"Thanks for your replies, everyone. I have been suspecting for a while that he either needs psychiatric care or has an alcohol addiction (or both)."

"He hasn't been listening to me, and I needed the help of a bunch of strangers on the internet to feel confident in addressing his need for his mental health care."

"I wanted to have this written thread as a backup to show him that I'm not being unreasonable and that this is a big issue."

The OP got reassurance that their concerns weren't unreasonable.

But getting her boyfriend to seek professional help may not happen. It's his choice to make.

OP needs to decide what she's going to do if he refuses to seek help.