Cross-contamination is no joke.
That is why people who suffer from celiac disease are so vigilant.
One can never be too careful.
Redditor lexxibandzz wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for throwing away food after my boyfriend's mom put her stool sample on top of it?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Yesterday I (26 F[emale]) spent hours making my favorite soup."
"My B[oy]F[riend] (26 M[ale]) bought the groceries, and I cooked it."
"I always share my food with everyone in the house—my boyfriend, his mom (62 F), and his brother (24 M)."
"I only got to have two bowls before the drama hit."
"I checked the fridge and saw a sealed FedEx package sitting directly on top of my soup container."
"I asked whose it was and why it was in the fridge."
"BF's mom casually said, 'Oh that's my stool sample, I have to send it in tomorrow!'"
"She's had major G[astrointest] I[nalissues] since a surgery and deals with near-daily explosive diarrhea."
"The idea of her poop being on top of my food absolutely disgusted me."
"Trying to be polite, I asked if I could move it to the downstairs fridge (which only has drinks, no food)."
"She said 'of course,' though she seemed confused why it mattered."
"I moved it carefully and put it on an empty shelf away from everything."
"Then I told my boyfriend."
"We went for a drive and I explained what happened."
"He was even more pissed off—he paid for the groceries, including saffron, and was upset that I now felt I had to toss the soup."
"Even if it was technically sealed, the idea of a stool sample sitting on it was too much."
"This isn't the first issue."
"Since her surgery, she's been leaving the bathroom door open after using it."
"The smell—truly awful—drifts into the kitchen."
"BF already told her to shut the door, use the fan, spray, open a window… basic stuff."
"She seemed embarrassed at the time but hasn't consistently followed through."
"When we got back, I sadly threw the soup away and bleached the fridge shelf and anything nearby."
"She asked what I was doing and I explained."
"She got defensive and said it was sealed and sterile, and I was being dramatic."
"I told her I'm a medical assistant."
"At my job, stool samples go in a separate fridge because even sealed packages can carry microscopic contamination."
"Fecal matter can transmit stuff like Hep A."
"She doubled down, insisting there was no risk."
"Then she grabbed the sample box, licked it, and rubbed it on her face to 'prove' it was clean."
"I was in shock."
"I begged her to stop."
"BF started yelling, saying it didn't matter how 'protected' the poop was—putting it in the food fridge, on top of food, was disgusting."
"I added that even if it were sterile, the thought was enough."
"I asked her if she'd be fine with someone prepping her food in a bathroom—even if it was 'clean.'"
"She didn't answer."
"They kept yelling, and I went upstairs and texted them to please stop."
"I said it shouldn't be a big deal that I threw out the soup I made, and he paid for it."
"She hasn't spoken to me since."
"BF said they didn't resolve anything."
"Now I have to see her again, and I don't know what to say."
"I'm wondering: was I being too sensitive?"
"Or is it just basic decency not to put your literal stool sample on someone else's food?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for throwing it away, even if other people in the house might've still eaten it?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - as a R[egistered] N[urse] and infection control expert, you absolutely did the right thing."
"Unless she's a doctor (which I don't think so based on your post), she needs to shut up and listen to the person who is actually trained for that kind of thing - you." ~ AdmlBaconStraps
"If her stool sample is positive for C[lostridioides] D[ifficile]... Oh hell nahh."
"Might explain the smell and the diarrhea."
"I'm sorry, but stool, especially infected stool, should have never been in the fridge." ~ Reasonable-Check-120
"Was thinking the same thing."
"C-Diff is instantly recognized by the smell."
"C-Diff is HIGHLY contagious."
"My husband got it in the hospital after surgery."
"I walked into his room, and that smell hit me immediately."
"It's not just a poop smell."
"It was - whew - intense."
"When the nurse came into the room, she immediately cleared everyone out."
"A rush of activity and he was moved to isolation."
"His hospital door had all the protective gear hung in it."
"Before anyone entered his room, they had to suit up."
"He had to stay in isolation at the hospital for 10 more days because of the infection."
"It's not something to mess around with." ~ LadyLu-ontheLake
"Was thinking the same."
"C-Diff is very contagious."
"In general, it's apparent she's being tested for something, might be C diff, might be something else, either way, her fecal matter could infect others in the house and she's just casually leaving the bathroom door open and letting those smells (bacteria) waft around the house."
"Hopefully she's employing hygiene tactics for her skin and clothes while she's denying contamination all across the home."
"Forget the soup."
"NTA for throwing that literal s**t out, I'd be concerned about doorknobs, light switches, and really any other surface she comes into contact with." ~ FickleVirgo
"Yeah no, she was raised in her barn. 🤦🏾"
"She can rub her sterile poop all over herself if she wants, but she needs to have enough basic manners to respect other people's food. NTA." ~ NatashOverWorld
"NTA. The thought of it is gross, but you have no idea how well she physically handled it all while she was packaging it up."
"You just have to watch some people in the kitchen with raw meat to realize how unsanitary and clueless people can be about contamination."
"I wouldn't trust anyone who then goes and stores it on top of food in the kitchen."
"That's so gross!" ~ Jessiphat
"NTA. I have taken a stool sample, and it was by far the most disgusting thing I have ever done."
"It was mine and when I dropped it off at the lab, I just looked at the people at the hospital and apologized because it was horrific to me that someone had to open and test that sample."
"The thought of that sample anywhere near any food is so disgusting to me."
"Just a thought, but I have noticed that as my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] has gotten older, she has gotten less hygienic."
"I have wondered if it was a cognitive issue as dementia and Alzheimer's runs in the family."
"When we would bring it up, not flushing the toilet after pooping, for example, she would get very defensive."
"She also would throw dirty utensils back in drawers, and I watched her scratch and rub all in between her toes and then try to touch me, which grossed me out."
"I'm not saying the boyfriend's mom has dementia, but if she was hygienic before, and this is new, it could be something else going on."
"Depression, something with the medical issues, etc."
"But you are not in the wrong for throwing it away."
"I think most people would have done the same." ~ Florida_Flower8421
"NTA. That's just gross."
"'She doubled down, insisting there was no risk.' - sure, there was no risk, it was perfectly safe, that's why she was sending it to be lab tested. Right." ~ Gennevieve1
"NTA... it's poop, period. It does not belong near food."
"Poop has never belonged near food, no matter the amount of protection and barriers."
"I've already seen a professional who knows more about this than anyone confirm it's the right thing."
"Even if it wasn't, poop never needs to be near food ever." ~ alematt
"NTA. That is f**king disgusting."
"That's the only way to put it."
"She is a very gross individual, and any person with sense would never do this." ~ EchoMountain158
"NTA at all."
"She's old enough to know better."
"You did the right thing by disinfecting and throwing away the food she placed her feces package on top of." ~ BorderlineTG
"NAH. The sample was not on the outside of the container."
"It was sealed."
"She didn't do anything wrong."
"And she did not wreck your soup."
"And you were grossed out, so you threw the soup out and bleached out your fridge."
"Seems extreme and unnecessary to me, but if that's what it took to make you feel OK, then OK."
"Not sure why this had to turn into a big thing." ~ ScarletNotThatOne
"Obviously NTA, but this part 'Then she grabbed the sample box, licked it, and rubbed it on her face to 'prove' it was clean. I was in shock. I begged her to stop.'"
"It was f-ing hilarious."
"Her mind snapped, what reaction did she expect?"
"'Oooh wow, I didn't realize until you licked it, thanks so much, let us all hug' lol." ~ xmac
"I want to throw up, that's just a level of nasty I can't deal with, it's just too early."
"NTA, get her out ASAP." ~ Traditional_Award286
My goodness, that was an intense story.
Reddit is with you, OP.
Poop in the fridge would be an issue for a lot of people.
Your BF's mom may need to rethink her actions.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp