We often think that there's nothing wrong with a little playful teasing between friends.
However, we can never be too sure what some people might consider "playful" and what they might consider just plain teasing.
As some jokes, which were truly never meant to cause any harm, might strike a nerve that no one might expect.
Sometimes, even result in relationships being impacted in ways no one saw coming.
Redditor ereb78 had been with her boyfriend since high school.
More recently, though, the original poster (OP) began to notice that her boyfriend was beginning to poke fun at her expense with some frequency.
Something the OP did not appreciate, even leading the OP to seriously consider ending her relationship.
Wondering if she was overreacting, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here?" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for breaking up with my boyfriend over a penny?"
The OP explained how a recent penny she picked up proved anything but lucky...
"I (25 F[emale]) and my boyfriend (25 M[ale]) have been dating since high school."
"He knows I have my weird quirks and rituals due to my OCD, and it has been a prominent thing in our relationship."
"He knew this before we started dating, and it has never been an issue before."
"I love him so much, and I may have overreacted, but I don't know."
"For some context, I was diagnosed with OCD when I was around 7 years old, and not like where I have to be tidy or anything."
"For me specifically, I do things in sets of 2, and I have reoccurring thoughts, bad anxiety, etc, etc."
"At first, I feel like my boyfriend was really supportive."
"He'd make comments here and there and poke fun at it like, 'Did you do it twice?' or something like that."
"It never really bothered me up until recently, he tries to do things that he knows will upset me and make me spiral just for fun."
"One thing I like to do is pick up pennies for good luck."
"Not that I like to believe in luck, but I just always do it, and I feel like I need to do it."
"So a few weeks ago, he was talking with his friends, and they had brought up something, and I guess they caught me in one of my little habits, it's one where I have to crack my knuckles a certain way."
"His friends kind of laugh and ask me what I'm doing."
"My boyfriend goes, 'ocd freak'."
"I knew he was joking, but like why is he trying to embarrass me in front of his friends."
"A different time, he asked me why I had to be so embarrassing."
"So the other day, we were walking downtown and I picked up this penny, and he noticed."
"When we get beside the river, he takes my penny and throws it in there."
"I started freaking out, and obviously my mind spiraled with thoughts that weren't true, but still scary like 'you're gonna get bad luck'."
"I literally started to tear up, and he told me I'd be fine."
"I asked him why he would do that, and he said it wasn't a big deal."
"I told him that he knew before we started dating that my OCD was a huge part of who I was and that little things like this really set me off."
"He told me not to be so sensitive, so I brought up everything he had been doing for the past few weeks, and I told him if he couldn't accept this part of me, then I didn't want to be with him. I ended up getting my mom to pick me up, and I haven't seen him since (it's only been 2 days)."
"He keeps texting me and apologizing, but I don't know if I should keep him in my life or not, his weird snarky replies about my ocd and like taking my penny and throwing it."
"It sounds stupid, but it really made me upset."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was justified in wanting to end her relationship.
Everyone agreed that this was not about a lucky penny, and the OP's boyfriend was not being respectful, not only to the OP's condition but to the OP in general, and this was not a healthy relationship for her to remain in:
"Tearing me down to his friends, would have been enough for me."- Popular_Scarcity_911
"NTA."
"I have similar rituals, and even when I was heavily medicated, they didn't really abate."
"It's just how I operate, and it always will be."
"It's hard enough dealing with OCD I don't need some dumb motherf*cker intentionally making my sh*t harder."
"I don't know about you, but it's exponentially harder for me to deal with certain rituals and thoughts when I'm being watched or commented on, and it'll spawn even more embarrassing rituals and darker thoughts."
"Dating someone like your asshole ex would have eventually been a death sentence for me."
"My wife doesn't understand my OCD like, at all."
"In the 20 years we've been together all I've ever had to say is 'damn OCD' and she knows I'm struggling and is supportive."
"There are people in the world who don't hate who you are, go find one of them and leave this loser behind."- Dragon_Bidness
"NTA."
"He knew about your OCD from the start, and now he's using it to mess with you for fun."
"That's messed up."
"The penny thing and calling you a freak in front of his friends isn't okay."
"He is just being a jerk."- LandscapeFrosty8940
"NTA, it wasn't the penny, it was just the last straw."- RyanStl_IH8MUD
"One of my children has OCD."
"I would never do anything to intentionally trigger him!"
"That is cruel."
"We go to an OCD specialist twice a month, and I am in there with him so I can learn how to help him work through the thoughts and compulsions."
"I feel like if your boyfriend truly loves you, he would want to help you instead of triggering you."
"Dump him."- wittyname78
The OP later returned with an update, sharing what she ultimately decided to do, while also offering some insight into her condition:
"First of all, thank you to everyone who commented on my original post, if you haven't read it, please do."
"Even the hate comments taught me something, OCD is so misrepresented on the media."
"I've been in my own little OCD circle, and haven't really met people like me."
"I've had a lot of people telling me to just 'get help' and that my condition was completely manageable."
"Before I get into the update, I want to explain a little more about my OCD."
"I've had several people say it was the cute kind because I have 'quirks'."
"I appreciate people trying to paint it as something not so bad, but remember folks, your knowledge of other people on the internet is limited."
"When I was younger, I refused to eat or drink any foods not prepared by me because I was afraid they were poisoned."
"Yes, I was afraid my own friends and family tried poisoning me."
"Another thing, I have extreme health anxiety, I am very body conscious, and every time something feels off, even slightly, I go to the doctor."
"I sometimes go twice a week."
"I have periods where I'm okay, and I feel like I'm finally doing better, and then it all comes back again."
"It's exhausting, also exhausting that so many people think I can go into remission and heal myself."
"A lot of people compare their disorders of BPD, ADHD, etc, etc to mine and tell me since THEY got better, I can and that I'm 'not working hard enough'."
"Funny enough, that day I went out with my boyfriend, I had a single OCD moment."
"Usually, it'll come randomly, 'if you touch this, you'll die' or ' if you don't do this, you'll die'."
"So this all happened 4 days ago."
"I tried not to answer him when he'd text me, maybe a little okay here and there."
"The gist of it is basically that I should've known he was joking."
"He turned it from he was sorry to I SHOULD be sorry."
"I asked him if he even understood my side, and he said 'no, but maybe we can talk in person'."
"I told him that we could meet, but I was pretty firm in my stance."
"We had dinner last night, and he said he was out of line, even afterwards when texting me."
"He told me he couldn't lose me and that he loved me."
"He told me he did some research on OCD and compulsions and learned that these things can be really triggering for some people."
"I told him thank you for saying that, but I needed to work on myself."
"I've been with him for 8 years, I don't know myself without him."
"I told him we could still be friends, but he really hurt me, and this was my opportunity to now work on myself."
"Later, though, his mom texted me, and she said I was making a mistake."
"His mom loves me, and I knew she would probably be more devastated than he was."
"I told her that my decision was final and that he really hurt me."
"She basically told me that I was just looking for a reason to leave him, because that was ridiculous."
"I told her it wasn't true, and I even explained all of the other circumstances."
"She told me to give him one more chance, and I left her on read."
"I don't even know if I want to speak to him anymore, but I do know that I'm glad I did this for myself."
"Again, thank you to all the commenters who supported me..."
Generally, the bare minimum anyone hopes for from their partner is to stand up for and protect them.
Not refer to them as an "OCD freak" in front of their friends.
One of the main reasons most people don't remain with their high school sweethearts is the simple stage of maturing.
Something it seems the OP's boyfriend has yet to do...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp