There are certain items people just can't seem to part with.
Many times, that can come off as selfish or ridiculous, but for whatever reason, some folks can be very attached to personal property.
Especially if that personal property has sentimental value and monetary value.
This can make big family and life events more dramatic than necessary.
Case in point...
Redditor DaydreamDIVA wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to lend my designer purse to my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] for her wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (24 F[emale]) have a Chanel purse that was a gift from my parents when I graduated college."
"It's by far the most expensive thing I own."
"My brother recently got married, and his new wife Amy asked if she could borrow my Chanel purse for their wedding day photos and reception."
"Amy doesn't own any designer bags and really wanted one to complete her wedding look."
"I politely declined to lend her my purse."
"That purse is extremely valuable to me, and the thought of something happening to it makes me anxious."
"Amy called me selfish and materialistic for not lending it to her for the wedding."
"She said I was more concerned about a status symbol than helping the family."
"My parents and brother also got upset with me, saying I should be willing to share my things with family."
"But I don't think I should have to hand over my most prized possession just because it's for a wedding."
"Now the whole family is angry with me."
"She's acting like I ruined her big day over this, but I think it was an unreasonable request."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not lending my sister-in-law my expensive designer purse for her wedding?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, I find it funny that she called you materialistic for not lending her the purse."
"Yet she needed the purse to complete her outfit."
"And the only reason she wanted your purse was because it was expensive and designer."
"So, in other words, she's mad that you wouldn't let her be materialistic with your items."
"No family does not always lend everything."
"Walking to the house next week and borrow the TV, borrow their car for a week."
"She wanted the purse because it was the nicest thing."
"She knew that was close to her, and she was going to assume that just because of their family, you would say yes."
"It's your stuff you choose who you lent to or not wanted to."
"And everyone is wrong."
"And if your parents are so upset, tell them to buy her one." ~ antique_add
"SIL is planning to 'lose' the purse before the wedding and tell the OP, 'F**k off, stop asking for the purse back.'"
"'I'm at my reception/honeymoon/baby shower.'"
"'I'll look for it another day, now stfu and leave me alone!'"
"'Oh hubbbbyyyy, she's picking on me :( Make her leave!''"
"And on the off chance the OP takes the purse back, half the family will be shrieking, 'It's just a stupid purse! Go buy one at Walmart.'"
"I guess you care more about things than welcoming new family. #TaleAsOldASTime." ~ FamousOhioAppleHorn
"To me, it's not whether or not it's appropriate for the bride to be lugging around a Chanel purse."
"It's fine, I guess, to ask, but the bride should have dropped it when the OP said no."
"What bothers me is the bride making a big deal out of it to her fiancé's family to the point that the OP's parents are badgering her."
"This is disrespectful enough for me to bow out of going to the wedding and go low contact with the lot of them until well after the honeymoon."
"The bride is just going to continue being angry about this at the wedding, so why bother going?"
"I would just save myself the unpleasantness."
"OR take the purse with me to the wedding and not take my hand off it for even a second."
"This is the kind of woman who's going to find out she can't have kids and try to leverage the OP into becoming her surrogate bEcAuSe FaMiLy."
"Might as well do some bud-nipping now." ~ theloveburts
"I cannot. I simply cannot."
"WHO ON PLANET EARTH WALKS AROUND WITH A CHANEL PURSE AT THEIR OWN WEDDING RECEPTION⁉️⁉️"
"Or any purse for that matter ⁉️⁉️"
"The Atelier who designed my dress made me an oversized envelope bag using the lace and silk from my gown."
"That envelope bag was for cards and cash/check gifts."
"My tote bag remained in the dressing room."
"OP is NTA."
"The future SIL is an ENTITLED AH for being ridiculous to ask to borrow a ridiculously expensive purse that will not add anything visually to the photos. 🤷🏻♀️." ~ stinstin555
"NTA. Tell her she can borrow it with a few conditions."
"First, Google the replacement value of your bag (what it would cost to buy one in the same condition as yours)."
"Send her the listings, and say you're willing to lend her your purse, provided she gives you that amount, in cash, as a deposit and signs a rental agreement."
"You're giving her a break because of family."
"If she brings the purse back in pristine condition, you'll give her back her cash." ~ worstpartyever
"'Amy called me selfish and materialistic' - 'Amy doesn't own any designer bags and really wanted one to complete her wedding look.'"
"You are allegedly 'selfish and materialistic' because you have a Chanel bag and appreciate the value of it, both sentimentally and financially, and don't wish to risk it being damaged or lost."
"Amy, who does not have any valuable handbags, wants to use yours to 'complete her wedding look' -- apparently to appear more posh or wealthy than she is -- and she is calling YOU selfish and materialistic!"
"What was her plan if something untoward were to happen to your Chanel bag?"
"Probably something along the line of 'Oops, sorry -- but it's just a purse!'"
"Why do so many brides accuse others of ruining their big day when those people decline to bow to the bride's wishes or outlandish demands?"
"A wedding should be about the union of two people in love, not borrowing other people's valuable and cherished belongings or a bridesmaid being told to dye her hair brunette because the bride wants to be the only blond!"
"The aesthetics brigade is really getting out of hand."
"NTA, this is your prized possession and your decision."
"And as is frequently mentioned on Reddit, 'no is a complete sentence.'"
"You were under no obligation to provide for Amy's lack of elegant accessories."
"If your brother and your parents honestly believed that was so important for her to have a Chanel bag on her big day, they could have purchased a Chanel bag for her."
"Instead, they cheaped out and blamed you."
"Big AH move on all their parts." ~ shattered7done1
"Right? I don't even recall where my purse was… still up in the room?"
"On table all night?"
"I don't even remember if I had an official purse, what it looked like."
"My main need for a purse was lip gloss and tissues, and the bust area was suited well for both of those."
"This leads me to an argument for pockets to be a standard part of dresses, wedding dresses, etc."
"A rant for a different post! Ha!"
"NTA and OP bother is in for it with this one he's marrying." ~ MisselthwaiteGardens
"NTA! The irony of the Bride calling YOU materialistic when she is trying to BORROW an expensive designer item for a wedding photoshoot, where a purse doesn't even make sense?"
"Is actually HILARIOUS."
"What an entitled and dramatic woman."
"I get your stance 100%, OP."
"It's not that you assume something bad will happen to the purse if you let her borrow it... It's just that the purse is, one, SUPER EXPENSIVE, and two, it's a deeply sentimental item!"
"Let her buy a fake on TEMU or AliExpress if she wants to play fake affluent for a day." ~ Aggressive-Bed3269
"Who holds a purse in wedding photos?"
"Tell her to find you one picture of a bride with a purse as part of her look."
"This is weird."
"She would 'misplace it' and refuse to replace it. Naw."
"NTA. And hide that purse." ~ WhoIsYerWan
"NTA and this post made me laugh out loud."
"She's demanding you give her your valuable property for no reason, yet somehow YOU'RE the materialistic one?"
"Why tf does she even need a Chanel bag? Weddings are supposed to be about celebrating your love and marriage, not showing off (fake) wealth on social media." ~ edentheblessed
"NTA. I thought that most people don't care about their purses on their wedding day."
"In addition, I have never seen wedding photos that show the bride's purse; she's holding her bouquet."
"That said, if I think about weddings and wedding receptions, I can see something getting spilled on the purse - soda, wine, etc., that could render it unusable, or it getting lost."
"Added to that, your parents gave it to you when you graduated, so it has value beyond it being a Chanel bag."
"Plus, if lack of a designer purse can ruin a bride's wedding, there are some other issues." ~ ClothesQueasy2828
"NTA. I've never seen a bride carrying a purse. Seems like a weird way to complete her look."
"It doesn't matter, though, because it's yours, and you don't have to lend it to anyone for any reason." ~ lihzee
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
The purse belongs to you, and you get to choose who touches it.
Other people don't dictate rules about your property.
Hopefully, everyone will get over it before the wedding.
If they don't, that's their issue.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp