Items passed down through generations are sacred, even more so when the coveted heirloom is a wedding dress.
A woman was attached to the wedding dress her late mother made for her, and when it came time to pass the torch, things didn’t go well.
After causing drama at home, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor True_Succotash_9950 asked:
“AITA for not handing over my wedding dress to my daughter since it would need to be altered?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I have a very nice wedding dress which my own mother made for me. So I have a big attachment to it especially since my mom passed away.”
“I personally do not sow, never was good at it.”
“I have two daughters, one of them has always loved my dress. She is going to get married next year. She asked me if she could use my dress.”
The OP continued with a reality check, saying:
“My daughter will not fit into the dress, it would need to upsized multiple sizes. This basically would be cutting the dress up and adding panels. It wouldn’t be the same dress.”
“I told her no, this cause a huge argument. She’s pissed I won’t allow her to upsize the dress and I am leaving it to rot. I told her my decision was final and I don’t want my dress to turn into a new dress.”
“She thinks I am a huge jerk.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA. I’m not sure why she wants your dress so badly. Wedding dresses are deeply personal and while it’s great to pass them down it’s not a requirement. I’m kind of surprised she doesn’t want to find her own unique dress for her wedding and is so intent on using yours.” – Honest-Sector-4558
“This, many times over. Why would OP’s daughter make it such a huge argument? There are a million bridal dresses out there, all of them beautiful.”
“If the dress would need to be upsized, it would NOT look the same. Upsizing is tricky. Bodice, armholes, extra panels…. plus the original fabric is likely old and much more fragile, and you might not get a perfect match to new fabric….”
“I’ll vote properly but I agree with the others about NTA.” – busyshrew
‘Why would OP’s daughter make it such a huge argument?’
“Because OPs daughter has encapsulated the idea of that dress into her fantasy of her wedding her whole life. For you and I it’s very easy to understand OPs stance rationally, but not for her daughter…” – SfcHayes1973
“With the amount of work that would need to be done to have the new panels match the existing beading and everything, would it be better to have a recreation made instead? With the amount of work needed to make it fit, it wouldn’t even be the dress anymore.” – starienite
“Beading is very expensive. Also altering is more difficult than sewing something new. Perhaps you could ask a seamstress about the cost. Tell her your daughter’s measurements and show her the dress or a picture. A new gown may be less expensive. Just an idea.” – Tight_Jaguar_3881
“It seems to me that this dress is personal; her grandmother made it, her mother wore it, and I imagine it is a unique design that she loves. Maybe always assumed that it would be passed to her to wear. OP’s attachment is completely valid.”
“I imagine, that daughter sees it as giving the dress another life, as it is unlikely that OP will wear it again. That said, no does mean no and she should respect OPs choice. NTA.” – Suzdg
“NTA. Going to get downvotedbhere, but honestly, I don’t think people get what an intensively laborious process it is to upsize or downsize a formal garment multiple sizes. It’s honestly not advisable, as it will absolutely change the look of the garment, and usually not for the better.”
“For upsizing, simply finding a good fabric match for the additional panels is near impossible (unless there are still leftovers of the original fabric at hand), and you have to basically take apart the whole thing, every seam, and remake the dress. With fabric that looks slightly off.”
“And it will be an EXPENSIVE job. For results that aren’t guaranteed to be perfect. The vision the bride has in her head will very likely not match reality. And then, cue the tears.”
“Sentimentality is nice and all, but going to such extreme lengths to maintain a throughline of connection and memory seems over the top. It would be much more effective and less stressful to incorporate some element of the mom’s wedding outfit into the daughter’s wedding outfit.”
“Edit: oh, good lord, I just read OP’s comment that the dress has a lot of beaded details. Yeah. Upsizing that would be an absolute nightmare for any poor seamstress silly enough to take on the job. There is no way in hell that’s going to go well.”
“People really need to understand that gowns in real life don’t just magically alter the way they do in Disney movies.” – PantsPantsShorts
“As a seamstress skilled enough to do something like this, you are correct.”
“That job would be absolute hell, a TON of work so really expensive, and very very hard to make it look intentional instead of altered.”
“I would suggest using the original as inspiration and have a new dress made based on the old one. It would be less of a fitting nightmare, the daughter gets a chance to add details she might like or make small changes to make it her own and the original is preserved.” – annekecaramin
“I used to work as a seamstress, but would have never taken on this kind of project. My boss, who’d been sewing longer than I was alive, would not have taken on this project. On top of all the challenges laid out in the earlier comment (matching fabrics, issues with upsizing too many sizes, and beading), bridal alterations can be so challenging because brides…kinda lose their minds when things aren’t perfect.”
“Or if the alteration doesn’t quite look the way they wanted. It has to be PERFECT. And even if you can do it perfectly for them, it’s gonna cost a fortune and many brides complain about cost (my boss eventually got to the point where she didn’t do bridal gowns anymore).” – claudia_grace
“I’ve seen some people try to make this about fat phobia and I want to pull my hair out. Fat phobia is never okay but we should be able to discuss the fact that even if the daughter is not fat in any way she just happens to be larger than the mother, altering a beaded formal gown in this kind of way will likely destroy it.”
“There is a difference in taking something in a little versus making it several sizes larger. It’s just a practical thing it doesn’t have anything to do with judgment. It has to do with how clothing is made. And people are speaking out of a lot of ignorance here.”
“They also seem to have zero compassion for the fact that this is a sentimental item connected to OP’s dead mother and that parents are allowed to have sentimental items or things that they keep with them while they are still alive. It’s crazy to me the idea that your children are entitled to everything you own just because they want those things.”
“I think it’s perfectly fine for her to have a sentimental attachment to a dress that she never promised her daughter, and that her daughter in all likelihood, could not actually wear as the original dress or probably even as an attractive good looking dress. Not because she is ‘bigger’ but because a dress cannot be altered that way and still look good.” – BojackTrashMan
“It’s amazing to me how kids erase their mums identity. Your mum made YOU the dress. That’s huge, mum-to-daughter relationship, love and memory stuff. It’s fair you don’t want your dress taken apart.”
“NTA, I wonder tho if your daughter didn’t like the allusion to her size as compared to yours and that’s where the upset came from.” – shestandsotall
“If OP wants to let her dress hang in her closet forever, that’s her prerogative. The sentimental value is priceless, and the memory of her mother making her wedding dress does not need to be altered in the slightest, nor does the physical limitations of the dress need to be altered to fit her larger daughter.”
“She has a living memory of her own wedding.”
“OP has already stated that she doesn’t want her dress altered in any way, shape, or form. Your opinion is moot.”
“Her daughter isn’t entitled to it at all.” – LadyPundit
Overall, Redditors thought the OP not wanting to hand over the dress was not a cruel decision.
Professional seamstresses also agreed that given the OP’s description of the wedding gown being beaded, it validated the OP’s concern that upsizing the delicate family heirloom would have been an overwhelming task.
Instead of ruining the precious wedding gown, hopefully, the mom and daughter can find the bride-to-be a beautiful new gown that she will be happy with.