In the United States, the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) set new standards for accessibility for public buildings. But many private properties remain inaccessible due to stairs and/or terrain.
In those cases, it is up to the people using the venue to either not use that location for their event or to accept that any disabled people with mobility challenges cannot safely attend.
A woman struggling to get her family to understand this turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on an upcoming event with a “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) question.
Ataleiia asked:
“WIBTA for not going to my sister’s wedding because her venue is not wheelchair accessible?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My sister (30, female) is getting married soon. I (24, female) am very happy for her and there are no issues between the two of us.”
“She really wanted to get married in a specific location and she got it, which is great, but that location is pretty much not accessible to wheelchairs. I have a significant disability (paraplegia) and cannot move at all without a wheelchair, so going there would be tough.”
“She told me that I could be carried up any stairs and then stay at the tables, but that’s not something I’m comfortable with. Getting carried is very uncomfortable and dangerous, especially when done repeatedly by someone that isn’t used to it.”
“I very rarely let inexperienced people carry me because there are so many risks involved.”
“I really don’t want to have to be carried to the toilets at a wedding full of strangers… or even worse, have an accident.”
“Then I also wouldn’t expect people to just sit with me while the celebrations are going on, but the idea of sitting there and watching for hours feels wrong, especially that after a few hours sitting hurts a lot and skin becomes a concern, but I wouldn’t ask someone to leave the wedding just for me.”
“In an accessible place, I would be able to get to a car to lay down a bit, or possibly to easily access something like a sofa (that’s something I’ve done in the past). Unfortunately there is quite a number of stairs, I don’t think renting portable ramps could cover it.”
“I’m not upset about the fact that they picked that venue, it’s their day and I don’t expect them to plan it based on my needs, but I also don’t think she understands that it’s not as easy as she thinks.”
“Fall risk, pressure sore risk, risk of accidents with bowel/bladder, a pain flare, risk of autonomic dysreflexia… those are my actual concerns.”
“I got injured when I was pretty young, so I think they still think I will be okay with just being carried around. I’m an adult now and I will never accept to take so many risks.”
“I was injured in my late teens and in the beginning I often accepted being put in complex situations like this one, simply because I was way more helpless. In the last few years, I became a lot more self reliant and stopped accepting those situations, but my family might still think that way at times.”
“One of my biggest fears is being 100% reliant on others, especially if people drink a bit. If my husband was able to come, then maybe I would consider it, as his focus would only be on me and we could’ve stayed together and left early, but his work made it impossible.”
“The sitting there and watching isn’t a concern, it’s just an added negative aspect.”
“It’s not a big or very regulated place. I don’t even think there is an official structured team present. To be fair we also are not in the USA, laws related to disability are not the same here.”
“It’s stairs up to a place that is not indoor, it’s an outdoor area with ground I cannot navigate myself across in my wheelchair! The bathroom also has some stairs, which doesn’t help the cause.”
“It is not a dry wedding and that’s also one of the reasons I don’t feel comfortable with the whole idea of people carrying me.”
“There are so many things that could go very wrong.”
“I loathe wearing indwelling catheters, as they cause me neuropathic pain. I might consider it for a day and push through the pain, but the accumulation of problems makes me less willing to have to suffer for it.”
“Unfortunately I had a very bad pressure sore shortly after my accident on the sacrum, so that area is ultra sensitive now. I’m a lot more likely to get one again—it’s already happened.”
“The fact that I’m not going to be able to lay down and take breaks from the wheelchair for a day worries me, as I’ve already had to spend months bedridden because of that sore. That’s not even taking account of the pain caused by sitting in the wheelchair. My usual limit is 4/5 hours before it becomes unbearable.”
“There are 2 sets of stairs to get to the area for the wedding, then another one to get to the bathroom. “
“I’m small—92 lbs, therefore people assume that it’s not a big deal to just move me around, but they don’t understand how dangerous it can be and how unsafe it is to be stuck somewhere where you can’t move independently.”
“If my husband could come, I would’ve at least considered it, as he is used to assisting me, but his work made it impossible for him to come.”
“I know they could make it happen and that it isn’t impossible, but that is a lot of risk just to end up sitting in a corner for hours, while watching people having fun.”
“I’m also very unhappy at the idea of being stranded somewhere with no ability to get away. If an emergency happened, I would have to rely on others to get me out of there, which scares me a lot.”
“I intend to get them a nice gift and propose to spend quality time maybe together afterward/before. One of my cousins told me that it’s just one day and that it’s very important for my sister, so I should make an effort and ‘get out of my comfort zone’.”
“But I feel like endangering my life and health isn’t as simple as getting out of my comfort zone.”
“I’m not even mad about the fact that they picked something not accessible; it’s their wedding, but I expect them to understand that prioritizing my health is more important than that.”
She wanted this venue for so long, and at the end of the day, I don’t expect her to make her wedding for me, but I also expect her to face the consequences of her decision.
“So, WIBTA for not going?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I have a disability, and my sister wants me to come to her wedding despite the fact that the venue is not accessible to wheelchairs.”
“She proposed solutions, but I think they’re too risky and don’t feel comfortable with it.”
“My cousin and my sister think I should make an effort for one day and that it’s not as bad as I think it is.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA).
“YUP! OP, you would not be the a-hole in this situation. You have more of a responsibility to yourself and your physical health and safety than you do to your sister’s wedding day.”
“For anyone who gives you grief about that, the argument you use is ‘They’ve picked a venue that is not accessible to me, so I can’t go. It’s not my decision whether to go or not—they made that decision for me by picking an inaccessible venue’. YWNBTA.” ~ her_ladyships_soap
“You can’t afford to get sores on your body from being stationary for so long. I totally would feel uncomfortable having people carry me, especially if they are not trained.”
“And to have to worry about the bathroom on top of that‽ Hell no! You are a better person than I. I would be upset they chose to not consider me in their wedding venue. NTA.” ~ reddit_fake_account
“Two hours is long enough to get a pressure injury so a 4-6hr wedding being stationary is just a no go.” ~ AG8191
“Tell the cousin thank you for volunteering to put you on the toilet every hour. NTA, they’re being ridiculous, and you’re being very generous by not being upset.” ~ Top_Marzipan_7466
“Could you ask your sister if she could set up a livestream for you?” ~ Cygnata
“I’m sure she could make that request, and OP isn’t mad with her sister, but if sis isn’t bending over backwards to set up a livestream and every conceivable extra thing she can to include OP, then she’s an a**hole.”
“My little brother has been quadriplegic since forever, and when I secured my venue, I did so ensuring every member of my immediate family could be present.”
“In the final 2 months to nail down details at the venue, they moved us upstairs without elevator access and naughtily insisted my brother could be carried up 26 steps in his wheelchair.”
“I told them off indignantly in every manner but cursing, and eventually got my deposit back as well. As I argued to them, a sibling isn’t a casual observer/incidental guest, but a vital member of the union of two families.”
“Despite the last minute arrangements, I found another venue. I would have sooner gotten married in my front yard than exclude a sibling.”
“I’m appalled at OP’s sister, and please believe that there will be many appalled guests as well that sister had the AUDACITY to exclude OP. Sister is truly an a**hole.” ~ Coffee4Joey
This venue is not just inconvenient for the OP.
It is full of health and safety risks for her. OP isn’t demanding a venue change, just the understanding that she cannot safely attend a wedding at this venue.
Hopefully her family figures out one daughter’s wedding isn’t worth risking another daughter’s physical well-being.