In the United States, the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) set new standards for accessibility for public buildings. But many private properties remain inaccessible due to stairs and/or terrain.
In those cases, it is up to the people using the venue to either not use that location for their event or to accept that any disabled people with mobility challenges cannot safely attend.
A woman struggling to get her family to understand this turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on an upcoming event with a "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA) question.
Ataleiia asked:
"WIBTA for not going to my sister's wedding because her venue is not wheelchair accessible?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister (30, female) is getting married soon. I (24, female) am very happy for her and there are no issues between the two of us."
"She really wanted to get married in a specific location and she got it, which is great, but that location is pretty much not accessible to wheelchairs. I have a significant disability (paraplegia) and cannot move at all without a wheelchair, so going there would be tough."
"She told me that I could be carried up any stairs and then stay at the tables, but that's not something I'm comfortable with. Getting carried is very uncomfortable and dangerous, especially when done repeatedly by someone that isn't used to it."
"I very rarely let inexperienced people carry me because there are so many risks involved."
"I really don't want to have to be carried to the toilets at a wedding full of strangers… or even worse, have an accident."
"Then I also wouldn't expect people to just sit with me while the celebrations are going on, but the idea of sitting there and watching for hours feels wrong, especially that after a few hours sitting hurts a lot and skin becomes a concern, but I wouldn't ask someone to leave the wedding just for me."
"In an accessible place, I would be able to get to a car to lay down a bit, or possibly to easily access something like a sofa (that's something I've done in the past). Unfortunately there is quite a number of stairs, I don't think renting portable ramps could cover it."
"I'm not upset about the fact that they picked that venue, it's their day and I don't expect them to plan it based on my needs, but I also don't think she understands that it's not as easy as she thinks."
"Fall risk, pressure sore risk, risk of accidents with bowel/bladder, a pain flare, risk of autonomic dysreflexia… those are my actual concerns."
"I got injured when I was pretty young, so I think they still think I will be okay with just being carried around. I'm an adult now and I will never accept to take so many risks."
"I was injured in my late teens and in the beginning I often accepted being put in complex situations like this one, simply because I was way more helpless. In the last few years, I became a lot more self reliant and stopped accepting those situations, but my family might still think that way at times."
"One of my biggest fears is being 100% reliant on others, especially if people drink a bit. If my husband was able to come, then maybe I would consider it, as his focus would only be on me and we could've stayed together and left early, but his work made it impossible."
"The sitting there and watching isn't a concern, it's just an added negative aspect."
"It's not a big or very regulated place. I don't even think there is an official structured team present. To be fair we also are not in the USA, laws related to disability are not the same here."
"It's stairs up to a place that is not indoor, it's an outdoor area with ground I cannot navigate myself across in my wheelchair! The bathroom also has some stairs, which doesn't help the cause."
"It is not a dry wedding and that's also one of the reasons I don't feel comfortable with the whole idea of people carrying me."
"There are so many things that could go very wrong."
"I loathe wearing indwelling catheters, as they cause me neuropathic pain. I might consider it for a day and push through the pain, but the accumulation of problems makes me less willing to have to suffer for it."
"Unfortunately I had a very bad pressure sore shortly after my accident on the sacrum, so that area is ultra sensitive now. I'm a lot more likely to get one again—it's already happened."
"The fact that I'm not going to be able to lay down and take breaks from the wheelchair for a day worries me, as I've already had to spend months bedridden because of that sore. That's not even taking account of the pain caused by sitting in the wheelchair. My usual limit is 4/5 hours before it becomes unbearable."
"There are 2 sets of stairs to get to the area for the wedding, then another one to get to the bathroom. "
"I'm small—92 lbs, therefore people assume that it's not a big deal to just move me around, but they don't understand how dangerous it can be and how unsafe it is to be stuck somewhere where you can't move independently."
"If my husband could come, I would've at least considered it, as he is used to assisting me, but his work made it impossible for him to come."
"I know they could make it happen and that it isn't impossible, but that is a lot of risk just to end up sitting in a corner for hours, while watching people having fun."
"I'm also very unhappy at the idea of being stranded somewhere with no ability to get away. If an emergency happened, I would have to rely on others to get me out of there, which scares me a lot."
"I intend to get them a nice gift and propose to spend quality time maybe together afterward/before. One of my cousins told me that it's just one day and that it's very important for my sister, so I should make an effort and 'get out of my comfort zone'."
"But I feel like endangering my life and health isn't as simple as getting out of my comfort zone."
"I'm not even mad about the fact that they picked something not accessible; it's their wedding, but I expect them to understand that prioritizing my health is more important than that."
She wanted this venue for so long, and at the end of the day, I don't expect her to make her wedding for me, but I also expect her to face the consequences of her decision.
"So, WIBTA for not going?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I have a disability, and my sister wants me to come to her wedding despite the fact that the venue is not accessible to wheelchairs."
"She proposed solutions, but I think they're too risky and don't feel comfortable with it."
"My cousin and my sister think I should make an effort for one day and that it's not as bad as I think it is."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA).
"YUP! OP, you would not be the a-hole in this situation. You have more of a responsibility to yourself and your physical health and safety than you do to your sister's wedding day."
"For anyone who gives you grief about that, the argument you use is 'They've picked a venue that is not accessible to me, so I can't go. It's not my decision whether to go or not—they made that decision for me by picking an inaccessible venue'. YWNBTA." ~ her_ladyships_soap
"You can't afford to get sores on your body from being stationary for so long. I totally would feel uncomfortable having people carry me, especially if they are not trained."
"And to have to worry about the bathroom on top of that‽ Hell no! You are a better person than I. I would be upset they chose to not consider me in their wedding venue. NTA." ~ reddit_fake_account
"Two hours is long enough to get a pressure injury so a 4-6hr wedding being stationary is just a no go." ~ AG8191
"Tell the cousin thank you for volunteering to put you on the toilet every hour. NTA, they're being ridiculous, and you're being very generous by not being upset." ~ Top_Marzipan_7466
"Could you ask your sister if she could set up a livestream for you?" ~ Cygnata
"I'm sure she could make that request, and OP isn't mad with her sister, but if sis isn't bending over backwards to set up a livestream and every conceivable extra thing she can to include OP, then she's an a**hole."
"My little brother has been quadriplegic since forever, and when I secured my venue, I did so ensuring every member of my immediate family could be present."
"In the final 2 months to nail down details at the venue, they moved us upstairs without elevator access and naughtily insisted my brother could be carried up 26 steps in his wheelchair."
"I told them off indignantly in every manner but cursing, and eventually got my deposit back as well. As I argued to them, a sibling isn't a casual observer/incidental guest, but a vital member of the union of two families."
"Despite the last minute arrangements, I found another venue. I would have sooner gotten married in my front yard than exclude a sibling."
"I'm appalled at OP's sister, and please believe that there will be many appalled guests as well that sister had the AUDACITY to exclude OP. Sister is truly an a**hole." ~ Coffee4Joey
This venue is not just inconvenient for the OP.
It is full of health and safety risks for her. OP isn't demanding a venue change, just the understanding that she cannot safely attend a wedding at this venue.
Hopefully her family figures out one daughter's wedding isn't worth risking another daughter's physical well-being.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp