Shopping for family groceries can get complicated when some people are picky and others will eat anything—and eat everything.
But does one family member's gluttony justify food hoarding by others?
A parent and stepparent dealing with feeding two teens turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Iknowyoureabot asked:
"AITA for buying my daughter a bag of chips?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a parent in a blended family that has moved into my (slightly too small for us all) house last year. There is of course friction, and I'm not always perfect, but this one has me second guessing myself."
"My daughter has a specific type of potato chip she likes. She's picky, it's annoying, but really that's probably irrelevent."
"Anyhow, a few months ago I went to the grocery store, and among several other bags of chips, I bought a family sized bag of those."
"Her stepbrother ate it in one sitting that night."
"He's a teenage boy. He's not fat. I don't really have a major problem with that."
"Have you ever met an athletic 17-year-old boy? They need like 6000 calories a day to survive."
"But then my daughter had nothing she liked while he proceeded to devour another type of chip the next day."
"Annoying, but no big deal. Next week, I got 2 bags of those chips. Well, then the 2 bags were gone in 2 days."
"Third week, I got 2 bags and told my daughter to keep one in her room."
"This has pretty much been the state of affairs ever since. Well, my spouse found out my daughter was keeping special food in her room, and I said 'yeah, I told her to' and she got really really mad at me."
"She said that I was treating her kids as lesser and that I wasn't making this their home too, and a bunch of other things."
"I honestly try to see her viewpoint, but I just don't here. I didn't tell the boy to stay out of my daughter's stuff, or take it away from him."
"I tried to sidestep the friction altogether. I didn't take anything away, I just bought twice as much and let her keep half as her own."
"I feel like the only other options are to either put $70 of potato chips into my weekly budget, or to tell my daughter to deal with having nothing. Both those options suck."
"I honestly feel like a doormat a lot of the time. Like I'm shooting myself in the foot by trying to keep peace, only instead I am lowering the bar for what is acceptable."
"On the flip side, people have been telling me for years I suck at understanding other's feelings....so..."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I gave my daughter her own bag of chips to keep in her room, supposedly alienating the rest of the family by treating my daughter better."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I'm 61, female, and have 2 adult children and I would have done the same thing. Teenaged boys eat anything that is not nailed down."
"If your daughter has one brand of favorite food (doesn't matter if chips or chocolate), she should be entitled to have some. You buy 2 bags, one for each kid, but she keeps hers in her room to savor over a few days, and the 2nd bag is vacuumed up by the boy in one day."
"Does she have other kids? They should be allowed snacks too."
"Note that hubby & I took in our teenaged niece & nephew and made sure they all had food they all liked, whether they were our 2 kids or the 2 new kids. You're NTA." ~ HorseygirlWH
"Also on the flip side of that, my sister REFUSED to believe her son devoured food at the rapid pace we told her. Dude scarfed down food by the pound and it increased when he played sports."
"She knew he ate a lot, but it wasn't until he ate an entire pan of lasagna. He was 14 at the time."
"His mom said, 'help yourself, we are out and will probably grab food'. In his mind, that meant 'eat everything'."
"My sister was pissed BUT finally understood what we were dealing with." ~ Reddit
"Kids need house rules. Rules about food, bathroom time, basic respect. No one gets to eat all of a snack food that was bought for the 'family'. So that should have been nipped in the bud. If there is a special request, that needs to be respected."
"Even in houses where it's all bio siblings, respect has to be taught and expectations clear. My kids had preferences of cereal, treats, leftovers, etc... And while no one should have to hide food, it's not a big deal to set aside something that is specifically for one person."
"Teenage boys don't get to use that as an excuse for eating the expensive or coveted snack food. They can make a sandwich or have a apple." ~ hopingtothrive
"This is what OP's response to the wife should have been. The problem isn't the daughter keeping food in her room, it's her son acting like he's the king of the house and can eat whatever he wants without any consideration towards the rest of the family. Teach the kid some damn manners." ~ Revo63
"Yeah no you're fine. If anything you're a pushover for not punishing him eating her chips and the fact your spouse only sees your child keeping her chips in her room as 'favoritism' is batsh*t crazy."
"I'd definitely suggest having the conversation of like 'hey, so they're the only chips she wants/will eat and he keeps eating them all before she gets any, so she keeps some in her room'." ~ Different_Ad5087
"NTA. My bio brother would eat ANYTHING as a teenager. Our parents started off by having us label leftovers or special things to try to keep the peace. He ate those too."
"So some things I kept hidden in my room. He only stopped eating everything (even 1/2 lb blocks of cheese in one sitting) when they started using his 'allowance' to buy replacement food."
"This continued further when he got his first job and our mother took him to the grocery store and had him buy what he would eat in a week. It shocked him that his whole paycheck would not cover it."
"He was much more respectful after that."
"Yes, teenage boys eat lots, but the son is not being fair to the rest of the family by eating anything he wants."
"You bought a bag for him, one for her. They both chose how and when to eat their own bags." ~ blueyedwineaux
"You know, what your mother did was outside the whole idea of what a box even is thinking. I'm positive that a lot of parents have never even thought to do that, or thought it was being too cruel."
"Once the child who eats everything has to feel the burden of just how much it leaves the rest of the family without, and the in your face strain of how much it costs each time, maybe they will start to eat their fair share."
"My parents told my brothers and I after getting jobs, we wouldn't have to buy our own food from now on, but if we wanted sweets, drinks, and things that we specifically wanted, that was our responsibility."
"My son will be 15 this month. He is almost 6' and yes he is on the chubby side, part eating everything, and part still growing. I can't tell you how many times I will go without to make sure my 2 girls have something to eat, but we barely make it month to month."
"And I'm talking he will eat the food just bought, leftovers, cook the frozen stuff, and my husband and I are at our wits end trying to find a proper solution." ~ Fluffbutt_Pineapple
"NTA. I think its inappropriate your partner finds it acceptable that her son monopolizes the chips and devours the whole thing himself without leaving a respectable amount for anyone else. That kinda sounds like favouritism to me." ~ prairie_harlet
"NTA. I have two boys and one is under weight and just doesn't eat much in one sitting, the other is like your stepson, will inhale a whole family bag of chips in one sitting."
"We had to set aside food for the younger one or he would never get any snacks or treats before the older one eats it all."
"If your spouse has a problem with making sure that your daughter has a snack she likes then your spouse needs to get her son to quit eating them all or come up with a better solution." ~ Clevernickname1001
"Teenage boys can eat anything but it's ok to tell them to slow it down. Just because they can, doesn't mean they should. They should think of others."
"NTA for trying to solve this problem without drama." ~ findthecircle
"NTA, growing up with two brothers, any food that is specifically for me is immediately kept in my room (unless it needs to go in the fridge/freezer)."
"You tried to do more by making sure there'd be enough for everyone and that hasn't worked out. It's not like you've told him he can't have the chips." ~ Ok-Advantage3180
It doesn't seem like much communication is happening.
Maybe before going to creative solutions, the family could have a discussion about food, snacks, and sharing.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp