Many little girls (and boys, too) begin to picture their dream wedding from the time they hear their first fairy tale.
From flowers to cake to music and, of course, the dress, they know exactly what they want by the time the even find "the one."
Some choose details that are nostalgic or carry on a tradition from generations before; some choose to go the modern route and orchestrate the entire production from scratch.
Regardless, the heart wants what the heart wants... despite any obstacles that may lie in the way of their perfect wedding.
A woman on Reddit is devastated that her fiancé and his family berated her after she refused to wear her future sister-in-law's gifted wedding dress because she wanted to wear her mother's, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Capital_Manager_7070 asked:
"AITA for refusing to wear the wedding dress my SIL gave to me as a 'wedding gift?'"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I(f[emale]/27[) met my fiance Jacob (m[ale]/31) when I was 21."
"We've been together for 6 years and engaged for almost a year out of those."
"My mother's wedding dress has been passed down for generations, and I remember being a little girl dreaming of walking down the aisle in it."
"We have recently been wedding planning and we were invited to a dinner hosted by my fiance's family that was on Sunday."
"When we arrived, we greeted everyone and sat at the table to eat."
"SIL stood up and tapped her spoon against her glass and said that she had to make a toast."
"She then said she would be right back before going into another room and returning with a large plastic bag."
"Everyone seemed to be excited but I just felt confused."
"I awkwardly smiled as I asked SIL what was inside the bag."
"She opened it up to reveal her wedding dress from her wedding, which was 2 years ago."
"Everyone began clapping as SIL announced that this was her official wedding gift to us and she wanted to me to wear her dress at the wedding."
"I tried to smile but I guess I didn't do a good job of hiding my disappointment and everyone began asking me what was wrong."
"I tried to explain how I wanted to wear my mother's dress and that it was nothing personal, but that I refused to wear my SIL's dress."
"My SIL began crying as my in-laws began tearing into me and comforting her."
"I just burst into tears and ran outside."
"My fiance didn't even come after me and after crying my eyes out on the steps for what felt like hours, he finally came outside and yelled at me to get into the car."
"I was so confused, but I got into the car just to hear him berate me on how I had made such a big scene and embarrassed him infront of his family."
"He sounded so mad and he even said he couldn't believe he chose to marry such a 'b*tchy c*nt' (his exact words)."
"My fiance also said how SIL was just trying to be nice and that her dress was more modern compared to my mother's dress which looked like an 'old rag' (also his exact words)."
"I tried to tell him how much my mother's wedding dress meant to me because I promised her that I would wear it."
"I felt like my fiance's family planned this and put me on the spot, thinking I wouldn't stand up for myself and just agree to wear SIL's dress."
"I don't think I did anything wrong but a part of me thinks I should have just gone along with it and then told SIL in private that I wouldn't be wearing the dress."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in, declaring not only is OP not the a**hole (NTA), but also urging her to get out of the relationship altogether.
"Ma'am you need to leave that whole family behind including your fiance Definitely NTA."
"You just had a peak into your future if you carry on with this relationship" - No_Order_9676
"The problem doesn't exist as the wedding shouldn't be happening anymore." - Top_Sherbert_2918
"NTA I want to bet SIL did this cause the fiance has been complaining about the 'old rag' OP wants to wear."
"It's bad enough he wants to dictate what OP will be wearing and does it in this manipulating way, but count in the complete disregard of her attachment to mom's dress, not having her back or checking on her, yelling, guilt tripping her, calling names and completely disregarding her feelings and I can only make one conclusion:"
"He is a POS and you need to leave him now!"
"DO NOT GET MARRIED!!!"
"I know this sucks, but you deserve way better!"
"You will find someone who actually cares about you."
"Sadly your fiance is not that man." - Elliewick
"NTA - Tell him not to worry he won't be marrying you and then get away from him!" - hip_hop_sweetheart
"Run run so fast and so far. He called something important to you an old rag."
"This is not going to get better." - Striking_Rip851
"The dress is not the issue - this is the issue: his vile language and lack of support for you."
"Please don't marry him."
"And who makes a public show of handing down their own wedding dress without checking if that's welcome?"
"Is she just trying to feel good about not wanting to buy a present?"
"Seems cheap and tacky."
"ESH except you." - Sea-Still5427
"Don't marry him."
"I made that mistake and it does not end well."
"NTA. Please be safe" - GingerbreadWitch_878
"It's not normal for future SIL's to gift' you their wedding dress and cry because you don't want it."
"It's not healthy that your finance didn't stop his family from tearing into you for his sister's frankly bizarre behavior nor check on you when you left the table."
"The way he talked to you is abusive and unacceptable."
"NTA"
"Please reconsider this relationship." - Radiant_Humor5110
"Run as fast as you can."
"They want to control and manipulate you."
"outta here." - Egbert_64
"DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN"
"This will be your married life forever."
"He'll never support you, stand up for you, and he'll let his family bully you."
"Call off the wedding."
"Throw the whole man in the bin." - Immediate_Mud_2858
Many also shared their relief that, as heartbreaking as it is, OP's fiancé showed his true colors before they were legally bound.
"NTA. But be thankful that he is showing you who he really is before you marry him."
"You have just had a glimpse of what your future is going to look like if you go through with your wedding." - Affectionate-Tap1967
"If a man calls you a "b*tchy c*nt" then he is not the man you want to have and to hold until death do we part" - Rawrsome_Mommy
"The fact that he used two misogynistic slurs in one breath while berating you for not wanting to wear his sister's dress is reason enough to cancel the wedding."
"The fact that your fiance's family was tearing into you for your polite refusal is a sign you don't want to be part of that family."
"It was a kind offer from SIL, but you want to wear your mother's dress, which is reasonable (And are you and SIL even the same size?)"
"And it sounds as if your refusal was kind."
"Glad you found out how horrible this guy and his family are before you married him."
"NTA" - DaniCapsFan
"You're lucky. You just got a preview of married life."
"Run." - Magdovus
"Lovely, please get away from these people."
"As much as this situation sucks, view it as a gift."
"Your SIL finally made your in laws and your Fiancé show their true colors."
"This is not a person or family you want to be married into."
"A wedding dress is very special because it's meant to symbolize the person wearing it."
"If your dream is to wear your Mother's dress, that's what you should be wearing."
"I kinda can't help but wonder if this was sabotage by your SIL."
"She should know how special a wedding dress is and should have spoken to you first before announcing she would be gifting you her wedding dress." - Bonnm42
"He did you a favour in showing you his A**hole side before the wedding, there is still time to not marry this sh*t."
"I encourage you strongly to overthink if this is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life."
"He might be a nice person in general, but when he turns to insults this fast over something so little, I think he might not be the one."
"He should have known that SIL dress is not an option and defended you, but he did the exact opposite."
"NTA but you are about to marry a very big AH." - DrRaumfisch
It sounds like OP has a lot of thinking and acting to do in the very near future.
Thankfully, however, her fellow Redditors were able to comfort OP and assure her that she had not committed any wrongdoing.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp