While no two weddings are the same, wedding guests expect certain traditions at most, if not all, weddings they attend.
Some are universal, such as tossing the bouquet, a father/daughter and mother/son dance, or the cutting of the cake, while others are more specific to certain cultures and/or religious, such as jumping the broom, stamping on a glass, or being raised up in chairs.
Of course, none of these traditions are ever obligatory at weddings, as any bride and groom can have their wedding proceed exactly as they want.
Even if certain guests are bound to give them an earful on the traditions they chose to omit or include.
When Redditor Mysterious-Sorbet971 announced that she was going to be getting married, her stepfather immediately assumed that he would be partaking in all the duties the father of the bride traditionally partakes in.
Much to his surprise, however, the original poster (OP) informed him that she had other plans.
News the OP’s stepfather did not take kindly to at all.
Wondering if she had made a mistake, or had handled the situation poorly, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my mom’s husband I never considered asking him to walk me down the aisle?”
The OP explained why her stepfather was outraged by her plans for her upcoming wedding:
“I’m (25 F[emale]) engaged right now and as you can likely tell from the title my mom is married to someone who isn’t my dad.”
‘They got married 4(?) years ago and they started dating 6 years ago.”
“I was actually living in another country at the time studying overseas.”
“I only came back home briefly for the wedding and only came back officially last year.”
“So I haven’t spent much time with my mom’s husband.”
“But being truthful, even if I had, given the age I was when they got together, I wouldn’t see him as my dad/parent.”
“Which is why he stunned me by telling me he wanted to ‘give me away’ at my wedding.”
“He told me he looked forward to doing it for all three of his girls (he has two daughters and a son so I guess he counted me) and was excited at the thought of me being the first he gives away.”
“I didn’t like the way he worded it (giving me away) or the fact he approached me about this when he had no hand in raising me.”
“But my mom loves him so I was kind, said it was a sweet offer, lovely gesture, but I wasn’t very comfortable with that and we could figure out something else for him to do if he wanted to be more involved in the wedding.”
“This was met with him questioning why I’d say no and him saying he thought I would be happier to have him do it.”
“He said given I have no father in my life and grew up with no close adult males, it made sense.”
“I pointed out to him that I had my mom who raised and sacrificed for me.”
“He was like yeah, but she’s no man and I told him I didn’t plan to have a very traditional wedding so mom doing it wouldn’t be strange at all.”
“He genuinely never considered the fact I would ask mom and he became very emotional when I brought this up.”
“It was a mixture of embarrassment, sadness and frustration and he was word vomiting all over the place.”
“It got on my nerves because he was clearly not okay with me saying no to him.”
“He told me he should have been my first choice and it made no sense that he wasn’t when he’s the only father figure I have.”
“I told him I never considered asking him once for the very reason he’s not my father figure or my parent and that role goes more to a parent generally than a parents new spouse.”
“He looked so offended and told me the fact I never considered him a valid option stung.”
“He told me I couldn’t have his money then.”
“I asked him what he meant and he said he had been expecting to pay, that mom had mentioned money.”
“I told him that was nothing to do with him.”
“It was money mom saved for my wedding as I was growing up, that she had saved long before him.”
“I told my mom what happened and she was so embarrassed he acted that way.”
“She said she’d talk to him but I got a text not too long after from him that reminded me I had hurt his feelings and offended him.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling her stepfather he would not be giving her away, nor did she ever expect him to.
Everyone agreed that not only were the views of the OP’s stepfather antiquated, sexist, and misogynistic, but they were also insulting to the OP and her mother.
“NTA.”
“This makes me feel very uncomfortable for you OP!”
“It takes time to develop the kind of relationship he seems to want with you, and the way he is not listening to you and respecting your perspective is no way to foster a connection.”
“To be honest, his behavior feels emotionally manipulative, and it sounds like he is trying to pull your mom into it too.”
“If I were in this situation I would need to have a very real talk with him – and your mom – before his behavior causes bigger issues down the line.”- Sooty_Grouse
“NTA.”
“The key phrase here is ‘my mom’s husband’ vs “stepdad”.
“It was presumptuous for him to assume that since he married your mom (when you were in your 20s no less) that he should even be considered.”
“Also, love the fact that he’s appointed himself ‘the only father figure’ you have.”- DarkThoughtsDaily
“NTA.”
“And why the hell would he expect that he could give you away?”
“He sounds like big drama for being hurt by this.”
“Would answer him: ‘Hey, mom’s husband’.”
“‘I’m sorry to hurt your feelings’.”
“‘But you came into my live when I was already an adult’.”
“‘You are a great husband to my mom and I’m glade for that, but you were not a father who raised me’.”
“‘You never changed my diaper, you never stayed home from work, because I was sick in kindergarten or school’.”
“‘You haven’t taught me how to ride a bike or to swim’.”
“‘You weren’t there at my school celebrations or sport events’.”
“‘I accept/like you for who you are, but please don’t make anymore drama for things that you weren’t because we haven’t known each other at that time’.”- Trevena_Ice
“NTA.”
“It sounds like you went the gentle route and when he didn’t clue in, you had to be pretty direct.”
“Your Mom’s husband hurt his own feelings here.”- coastalkid92
“NTA, it’s honestly kinda weird that he expects to be considered to give you away when he’s barely been in your life.”
“He’s also trying to act manipulative with money to get his way.”
‘Sounds like your stepdad is entitled.”- Tall_Cat57
“NTA.”
“So your now no that A) he isn’t used to be told no.”
“B) he definitely doesn’t see being told no by a woman as valid.”
“C) that he believes his feelings are more important than anything else going on.”
“D) he’s misogynistic.”
“Honestly the list goes on from there, but you need to address these issued with your mother, and why she’s fine with it and his behavior.”- Hoplite68
“Ew.”
“Just.. Ew.”
“Fine if he had secretly hoped for it.. still not sure why, but maybe he hoped you might see him as someone who cared.”
“But anything else – ew.”
“Just, ew.”
“Not your place.”
“Not your right.”
“Not anything that should give you the expectation that that would happen.”
“And, wtf?!”
“The money thing?!!”
“Why would he think he was paying anyway?!”
“Unless he now feels that the money your mum saved for you is ‘his’.”
“That’s all so gross.”
“He’s being childish, but also, grossly weird and entitled.”
“Presumably due to very traditional role expectations (I hope, unless he’s actually very very weird), but yeah.”
“Those role expectations are gross and uncomfortable, for most women these days.”
“Yech.”- sunshinefireflies
It seems like the OP’s stepfather is a man who absolutely needs to always be in control and in charge.
Hence why he made all sorts of assumptions that resulted in his being the center of attention at the OP’s wedding, giving no thought whatsoever to the OP or her mother.
One can only hope he’ll mature a little before the OP’s big day.
The last thing she’ll need is an angry old man pouting his way through the ceremony and reception.