Getting married was never on my wish list or a life goal. I was always more of the “if it happens, it happens” sort than the “every girls’ dream is to be a bride” type.
Maybe that lack of enthusiasm (more like obsession) surely colors my perceptions, but I just don’t get the manic focus on achieving the perfect wedding, no matter the cost—monetary or in relationships.
It’s usually just a few hours on one day of your life. How can blowing up your finances, friendships, and family be worth such a minor thing?
A friend whose feeling discarded for wedding perfection turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
TelephoneConstant270 asked:
“AITA for refusing to attend my best friend’s wedding after she replaced me as maid-of-honor (MOH) because I’m ‘too fat’ (I’m pregnant) and asking her to pay me back for everything?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So, my best friend ‘Claire’ (28, female) is getting married in a few weeks. We’ve been best friends since high school, and when she asked me to be her maid-of-honor (MOH), I (27, female) was beyond excited.”
“I wanted to give her the most amazing experience possible, so I went all out. I helped plan everything, from her bridal shower to the bachelorette party, which was a small weekend trip for her and the bridal party.”
“I also paid for decorations, party favors, and even chipped in for some unexpected costs because I wanted to make things special for her.”
“Altogether, I’ve spent several thousand dollars—money my husband and I had budgeted for because I thought this was something worth investing in. Claire has been like a sister to me, and I thought being her MOH was an honor.”
“I didn’t mind the expense, even though it was a bit tight for us financially. I just wanted her to have the perfect wedding experience.”
“Here’s where it all started to go wrong.”
“I’m 4 months pregnant. My husband and I found out a couple of months ago, and when I told Claire, she congratulated me but didn’t seem overly excited.”
“I brushed it off because I figured she was just busy with wedding planning. But since then, she started acting distant.”
“She’d exclude me from conversations about the wedding and would make passive comments about how ‘hard it is to coordinate everything’ when ‘people are distracted by personal things’.”
“I started to feel like I was walking on eggshells, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to add to her stress.”
“Then, a few days ago, Claire sat me down and dropped a bombshell. She told me she didn’t think I should be in the wedding anymore because I’m ‘getting too fat’ and she doesn’t want me in the pictures.”
“She said she was replacing me as MOH with another friend. I was completely stunned.”
“I asked if this was because I’m pregnant, and she said it wasn’t “personal,” but that she has a ‘specific vision’ for her wedding, and I no longer fit into it. She tried to frame it like it was about ‘aesthetic consistency’, but how can that not feel personal?”
“I told her I was incredibly hurt and disappointed, but if she didn’t want me in the wedding, I wouldn’t attend at all. I also handed her all the receipts for the events and expenses I’d covered—totaling several thousand dollars—and told her that since I was no longer MOH, I expected her and her fiancé to reimburse me.”
“I explained that I’d only spent that money because of the role I was playing in the wedding, and if I wasn’t part of it anymore, it wasn’t fair for me to shoulder those costs.”
“Claire flipped out. She accused me of being petty and selfish and said I was trying to ‘ruin her big day’. She told me it was ‘tacky’ to ask for my money back and that those expenses were ‘my responsibility as the MOH’.”
“I reminded her that I’m not the MOH anymore—she made that decision—and therefore, those costs are no longer mine to cover.”
“Since then, Claire, her fiancé, and even some of her family members have been blowing up my phone with calls and texts. They’re calling me a bad friend, saying I’m being vindictive, and accusing me of trying to sabotage the wedding.”
“One of her family members even said it’s ‘just pregnancy hormones’ making me act this way and that I need to ‘calm down’ and let it go.”
“My husband has been incredibly supportive and says I did the right thing. He pointed out that I’ve gone above and beyond for Claire and that the way she treated me—especially knowing I’m pregnant—is cruel and unacceptable.”
“He agrees that I shouldn’t be out thousands of dollars for a wedding I’m not even attending.”
“Still, the constant messages and accusations have made me second-guess myself. I feel humiliated and hurt by someone I thought was my best friend.”
“But I also feel like I’m standing up for myself by asking for reimbursement and refusing to let her treat me this way.”
“So, Reddit, AITA?”
“Should I have just let it go and written off the money, or am I justified in asking for repayment and skipping the wedding entirely?”
“It’s just hard when she completely changed out of nowhere—I have never seen this side of her before.”
“It sounds like a big joke. I didn’t think stuff like this actually happened in real life, and I never expected it from her.”
The OP summed up why they think they might be the a**hole (NTA).
“Demanding to be paid back everything I had paid for her wedding, especially so close to it happening. Maybe I am petty and making a too big deal out of it.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Claire is not a good friend, and I would sever that connection immediately. Real friends would celebrate this journey with you and want you to be there on their special day as well.”
“I am so sorry she has treated you like this and is so shallow to care about the ‘vision’ for her wedding. Being pregnant is beautiful, and I hope you celebrate your body and your pregnancy.”
“I am sorry about the money you have contributed because she clearly sounds unworthy of any time and money spent towards celebrating her. I don’t know how far out the wedding is and if you can cancel anything or get any supplies back.”
“If family and ‘friends’ say you are being petty, then they should have no problem contributing to the costs. For your own well-being, I would walk away from this relationship and not look back.”
“And for the record, you are allowed to take what she said personal. It was cruel and showed she doesn’t value you the way you valued her. NTA.” ~ Impossibly_single
“Sounds to me like she’s afraid of being upstaged. A case of ‘Main Character Syndrome’. She also waited until it was close enough to the wedding where the majority of the expensive costs were paid for before releasing OP from her duties.”
“You’re damn right to ask for that money back! Take her to small claims if you have to! Threaten her with that, too.”
“She literally thought she could tell OP she’s getting too fat (weird how she uses that term & not ‘too pregnant’ to describe OP) & OP would just roll over & take it without a word. The way her family is behaving proves that they know exactly what she said to OP also.”
“Good for you for standing up for yourself. You are NTA at all.” ~ East_Bee_7276
“NTA. Glad your husband has your back. Both of you can enjoy some quiet time instead of Claire’s ‘aesthetic’.”
“You shouldn’t be out thousands of $, but you are now out 1 friend. Unfortunately, she has picked photos over a friendship.”
“I see no problem asking for reimbursement for the money you spent in a role you got fired from. If need be, file in small claims court (& be petty and do it before the wedding) to recoup your money.”
“Pregnancy hormones have nothing to do with this. Of course you’re ‘overreacting’ because they want you to believe it really isn’t a big deal and you should let it go. Translation = they don’t have the funds to repay you.”
“If Claire didn’t mean to hurt you, she wouldn’t have done what she did and she would apologize profusely. Neither of those happened because she’s not really a friend.
“Just remember… according to her, she put photos first!” ~ Ducky818
“When on EARTH did it become other people’s ‘responsibility’ to pay thousands of dollars for someone else’s wedding‽‽”
“You shouldn’t have dropped that money in the first place, but now at least you don’t have to waste any more time thinking this person is your friend. NTA.” ~ Brainjacker
“NTA, and I hope you get your money back. What a selfish myopic person Claire is regarding this wedding. Her vision has clouded the actual reasoning behind the wedding/reception, and that is to celebrate with family and friends the union of two people.”
“It isn’t a vision board or a movie production. It is those we love and care about, tall, short, fat, thin, wrinkles and pregnancy, ALL OF IT.”
“Those are the people who choose to spend their money and their time to celebrate the union. If Claire doesn’t understand that, then Claire is far too immature to be getting married.”
“Poo on her for kicking you out of her Pinterest wedding. She should have cardboard cut outs of those she thinks fit her vision rather than real life people.” ~ Chilling_Storm
The OP provided a separate update.
“Hi everyone, this will be my only update (hopefully). Thank you so much for the support and advice—it truly helped me through this difficult time.”
“After I stood firm on being reimbursed for the expenses I covered as MOH and made it clear I was prepared to take the matter to small claims court, things escalated. Claire and her family kept messaging me, trying to guilt me, but I didn’t budge.”
“I decided to send the Reddit post to Claire’s family to give them the full context, and it seemed to get through to them. Shortly after, Claire’s father reached out. He was polite, apologetic, and agreed to pay me back in full.”
“True to his word, he reimbursed me for everything. While I appreciated his willingness to resolve the issue, it didn’t change how I felt about Claire or how deeply hurt I was by her actions.”
“After receiving the payment, I blocked Claire, her fiancé, and her entire family. It’s incredibly sad to lose a friendship I believed would last forever, but I now see that someone who could treat me that way was never truly my friend.”
“It’s painful, but I’m focusing on those who genuinely care about me—my amazing husband, who has been my rock, and our growing family.”
“To everyone who commented and supported me, thank you again. Your encouragement gave me the strength to stand up for myself and do what was right.”
“I realise I got out easy from this hellish situation, and I will now leave it all behind me as I’m ready to move forward and focus on my pregnancy, my husband, and our baby.”
“Here’s to new beginnings, better friendships, and prioritizing the people who truly deserve your love. Thank you, and I wish you all the best.”
It seems like everything is working out for the best.
Claire gets her picture-perfect wedding, and the OP gets rid of some dead weight in her life.
It’s a win-win.