When two people begin to discuss starting a family, most would assume that it’s a happy and exciting conversation.
But there are actually a lot of variables involved in family planning to ensure that both parents are happy, cared for, and secure, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ViniciusFromBcn and his wife had discussed starting a family on and off, but one day, his wife surprised him with the plan she wanted to pursue, effective immediately.
The problem was, her solution was for him to quit his job and be a stay-at-home dad so she’d be comfortable with who was raising their child while she continued to grow her profitable company.
Knowing that this work gap would hurt his prospects of returning to the workforce in the future, the Original Poster (OP) tried to discuss with his wife the possibility of having a share in her company, and her reaction was not at all what he would have expected.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my wife I want part of her property if she wants me to quit my job?”
The OP’s wife wanted to start having kids, but he wasn’t sure about her plan.
“My wife (33 Female) and I (34 Male) have been married for five years. She owns a successful real estate business that she started before we met, and I work as a project manager.”
“We don’t have kids yet, but she recently told me she wants to start a family soon, and that when we do, she thinks it would be best if I quit my job to manage the household and future children.”
“She told me while handing me a book called, ‘The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad: Your Essential Manual for Being an Awesome Full-Time Father,’ saying it would help me, assuming I would accept it instantly.”
The OP tried to discuss the situation, but his wife stood firm on her original plan.
“I was surprised because we’ve always been a dual-income household, and I enjoy my job.”
“She argued that since her business brings in significantly more money, it makes sense for me to stay home while she focuses on expanding it. She also said she’d feel more comfortable knowing that when we have kids, I’m the one raising them instead of relying on daycare or a nanny.”
The OP’s wife accused him of not having faith in their marriage.
“I told her I’d consider it, but if I give up my career, I want to be legally entitled to a share of her business. If our marriage lasts forever, it wouldn’t matter, but if we ever divorce, I’d be giving up my career advancement while her business keeps growing.”
“She was shocked and said I should trust her and that this felt ‘transactional.'”
“I tried to explain that this isn’t about not trusting her, I love her, but if I leave the workforce, I’d lose earning potential while her wealth increases. I’m fine with making sacrifices for our family, but I want some security in return.”
Even the OP’s friend group was divided over the issue.
“When I mentioned this to a couple of friends, they said I was being greedy and acting like I was planning for the marriage to fail. One even said I should be grateful she’s offering to support me at all.”
“I’m starting to wonder… Am I being too cold or calculating about this?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that the flaw was in his wife’s plan, not in his request for a share.
“She basically said, ‘Hey, put a baby in me right now, quit your job to care for it, and do a book report on this guide because the final exam (baby) is coming!'”
“And then said she’s shocked at him for responding with caution. She’s delusional.” – Its_My_Purpose
“I love how it was just planning for the future right up until the OP wanted something to secure his own future in case of contingencies. Then suddenly it’s ‘transactional’ and ‘cold.'”
“No. It’s all just planning. Unless you have a hidden agenda, it’s all just planning. NTA, OP.” – runawayforlife
“What’s funny to me is that it isn’t like she is arguing about the amount or what his prospects are… She pre-planned this whole conversation, bought a book, etc. She wants him to parent to make her more comfortable. But she won’t offer even a discussion on what would make him comfortable?”
“No one is saying give away half the business. But if you aren’t spending on childcare, and the OP has a reasonable and likely concern, then the wife should try to solve the issue as a teammate and partner, not as someone with opposed interests.” – wildcat12321
“Stay-at-home parents think they will stay at home for upward of five years; however, if they decide to have more children in that time, it could be adding another five years. So that’s a 10-year sacrifice if they are deciding he’s going to be home until the kids go off to elementary school.”
“That’s a lot of time out of work.”
“He deserves to be secure in knowing any way it turns, he and their children will be looked after from both sides with their parents.” – Efficient-Tailor7223
“As a SAHM who just got divorced…”
“Hold your ground! The financial abuse that happens to stay-at-home parents is horrible.”
“Tell your wife to message me, and I will let her know exactly how hard the struggle is, and if she loves you, like she says she does, then she needs to think logically, not lovingly.”
“I had to work three jobs and move four times in a year because my ex refused to co-sign for an apartment. I had no job history to satisfy applications. It was horrible. Almost unbearable at times.” – New_Nobody9492
“NTA, not at all for thinking ahead. I wish more SAH moms and dads had the foresight to think this way, myself included. No one wants to think their marriage will fail, but you never know.” – Cool_Dot_4367
“OP literally made the most logical argument on the issue. His wife wants him to trust her (with no safety net) but somehow cannot put her love for him and their future family above her love for money and property.”
“If she does not give him the property, he is very much correct to keep working. Most financial abuse cases start with leaving your career and staying at home… and then BOOM. OP, stick to your guns. NTA.” – Usual_Canary7764
Others who had been stay-at-home parents and partners urged the OP to protect himself.
“Someone recently divorced who was in the same sort of situation as OP… no, you aren’t the a**hole.”
“Please protect yourself. I’m living at my parents’ house currently paying a s**tload in child support and cannot afford an attorney to fight more. Our house is half mine as per state law, but her name is on the title. We both paid for it because we both worked at one point.”
“But once we had two kids, it really does get hard to both work full time and not spend more than you make.”
“She promised that if we ever divorced, everything would be split, and that she wouldn’t take the house or kids out from under me. Well, when I didn’t agree to her stipulations 100% at two years into the separation, she took the kids.”
“Please. I know when you love someone, you want to trust them, but for real, DON’T. People get petty and turn into another person when things go south.”
“Don’t do what I did FOR THE LOVE OF YOURSELF!” – Correct_Patience_611
“I was a SAHM for eight years in my prime career growing years. I fully wanted to stay home with my kids, but I had NO IDEA that he’d turn into the most controlling, financially and emotionally abusive person EVER!”
“Every purchase I made was questioned. I had to show receipts. I was always ‘taking advantage of him,’ even though I did ALL the childcare, cleaning, cooking, and shopping. The man only had to mow the lawn on the weekends. I did everything else!”
“It was insane. At the time of our divorce, I had no money to get a lawyer or fight. He kept everything. I didn’t even take any of his retirement savings, so I had to start over for myself at 36 years old.”
“OP is only protecting himself, and if she disagrees then she’s gonna be just like my ex.” – Scarlett_Uhura11
“I stayed home for eight years while our children were young. My husband started a business about eight or nine months ago, and I decided to go back to work for health insurance/retirement benefits, and to take the pressure off having to have a new business support us totally.”
“I’ve applied to (thousands? hundreds for sure) of jobs and nada. Nothing. Not a single interview. I’ve been updating credentials and taking some continuing education to try to make the resume look more current, but it is rough out there.” – AffectionateWar7782
“I feel for folks who get shafted like this. My wife was a SAHM for about 12 years. My philosophy has always been that my income is OUR income. If she wants or needs anything, she’s just as financially responsible as myself, and she can do as she pleases.”
“I considered it my responsibility to ensure she had whatever she needed or wanted because she was making a huge sacrifice by not working outside the home. She will always deserve anything I can provide her for bringing up our children and maintaining our home.”
“Even now, she makes about 20% of my yearly income, and I never even consider whose money is whose. To us, it’s our money. She’s kept us grounded financially over the years because she learned frugality due to the reduced income earlier in our marriage. God bless the SAH parents.” – Independent_Log_7853
The subReddit could understand loving someone and having faith in the marriage while also understanding that those feelings and financial security were not the same thing.
The OP seemed open to the idea of becoming a stay-at-home dad if he could find a way to keep his work history current, like having a share in his wife’s company, so that when their child was old enough, he could go back to work much easier than if he’d let his resume decay.
The fact that his wife was choosing “trust” and her comfort in having the OP at home over prioritizing his comfort at all spoke volumes about who she would be when her husband left his job as a project manager. It likely wasn’t a giving and supportive partner.