Since women first entered the workforce, a gender pay gap has existed. Women in the same job with the same responsibilities earn less than their male counterparts.
But in individual households, women as the higher earner, or even primary breadwinner, is happening more often. However, not everyone is a fan.
Some people see it as a disruption of the proper order of things. In their world, a woman’s only important role is that of wife and mother.
Being a stay-at-home-mom is the ideal.
A woman who doesn’t want to give up her career, turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Strange-Corner5670 asked:
“AITAH for asking my future in-laws for money?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My fiance’s parents are loaded. Old money loaded. They can afford what I’m asking no problem.”
“I make very good money at my job. I’m currently 27 and earn over $170,000 USD a year. Tim is a teacher. He doesn’t make as much, but he has a trust fund so he works sort of as a public service. It’s big in his family.”
“Recently I had a weird conversation with him and his folks. They think after the wedding, I should quit working and be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). I thought they were joking and kind of laughed. They are perfectly serious. They think it’s emasculating that I earn more than Tim.”
“Over the course of my career, I will earn much more than him. But his trust fund is low seven figures. He could afford to pay me what I earn yearly, but he can’t due to the stipulations of his trust. His mom on the other hand has lots of interest built up in her trust.”
“So I offered a solution I thought was fair. They set up an unrecoverable trust for me. They must contribute my gross earnings yearly with bumps for anticipated raises and promotions. The deposits would be for the next 35 years. That way I’m a stay-at-home-mom, Tim is the breadwinner, and I’m protected in the case of a divorce.”
“They went f*cking nuts. Apparently I’m ridiculous for thinking they will give me money.
I offered a compromise. I sign a prenup wherein I am entitled to half of Tim’s trust fund in the case of divorce if I give up my career. No matter what, a prenup will be involved—just not one that protects me.”
“Also not acceptable to them. I’m kind of at a loss. Do they honestly think I would give up my career with zero safety net?”
“My mom says I’m being kind of rude putting everything in such stark monetary terms.”
“I think I was abrupt at worst. I think I’m being reasonable.”
“I could have been more polite. But I make my own gold. I don’t need theirs unless they take that ability away from me.”
My whole point to them was that I expected equity in my future. If I were giving up my career, I wanted security. If they cannot find a way to give it to me, I’m more than happy to keep my job and live my life my way.”
“I would rather work than take the money.”
“I would love a trust fund while advancing my career like my fiancé has, or trying to make it as a van life influencer, or working as a dog groomer. However, the fact of the matter is I don’t have that safety net, so I will NOT give up my current financial situation for anything less than equal security.”
“Would you?”
“Here are the possible answers to my question: ‘Yes, I would give up my financial independence without any sort of safety net’ or ‘No, I would not give up my financial independence without a guaranteed safety net’.”
“What do you think?”
The OP later added:
“Tim was present for all this. It never came up before now. He wants me to be a SAHM, but he was okay with either of my proposals.”
“We have shared our bills 50/50 since we got together. He uses his trust to supplement his earnings. My extra money goes into my investment accounts.”
“We don’t live a lavish lifestyle.”
“I’m not asking them for payment in exchange for my choice. I’m making them put skin in the game if they want me to end my established career because they’re embarrassed that I make more money than their son.”
“Like, his trust fund is protected and in the case of a divorce, I would only be entitled to support based on his personal earnings after leaving a lucrative career at his request. F*ck that noise.”
“Not getting married until this is settled.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was
“I think you have your answer. NTA. If it’s a ‘f*ck that noise’ situation, then you might have to reconsider this whole thing.”
“I dated a guy who told me he was intimidated by my career and all I could think was ‘that is the single most unattractive thing I have ever heard’. It was hard for me to come back from that.”
“It’s not 1970 and I don’t need nor want to boost a fragile ego.” ~ interestedinhow
“Look, if Tim wasn’t on your side during this discussion, why do you even want to marry him now?” ~ Outrageous_Guard_674
“OP, when people show you who they are, believe them. You are not the a**hole for what you asked—only a brainless idiot would agree to abandon their financial independence without any compensation.”
“However, you will be an a**hole if you marry your fiancé and have his vile parents as in-laws. Because they will never respect you and will always try to control you. And your spineless fiance won’t ever defend you. That will teach a very bad example to your future children.”
“You are still very young and have a great career, which is not only fulfilling, but also making you earn a lot, so absolutely keep it. Don’t settle with someone who is insecure of your success.”
“A real partner would not only support you, but also be proud of your success and achievements. If you are forced to be a SAHM, you won’t be happy and will resent your partner.”
“SAHM is only fulfilling and a blessing IF that’s what you want and choose, not when it is forced on you by some very patriarchal outdated views.” ~ Surpriseparty2023
“Old money is weird. They live by their own rules. They are not worried about a divorce, because you are a possession to show off, like a nice car or watch.”
“If Tim gets tired of you later, you should feel blessed he let you enjoy the time with his family that he did. I work with a lot of these families, and it’s wild how they actually view people.”
“They will do charities and say nice things to the public to keep up appearances. But you just got a first hand experience of what the true behind the scenes conversations look like.”
“Don’t quit your job, if they have a problem with it, ensure the trust is set up in your name.” ~ Informal_Ask6646
“Nobody feels more entitled than the rich.” ~ SuperX_AtomicKitten
“While it reads as entitlement, it’s quite a bit darker than that. They don’t see ‘poors’ as people with their own agency, and pretty much anyone who isn’t part of the old money club falls into this category.”
“I was in a similar position once (made more money and was more educated than my partner, whose parents were just like this) and constantly made to feel like it was ‘cute’ I’d achieved what I’d achieved (basically clawing my way from the lower working class to upper middle entirely on my own).”
“It was exasperating, and eventually I realized they would never, ever see me as anything other than a temporarily-not-dirt-poor person who would eventually take advantage of their precious son and his inheritance.”
“I left and was immediately happier.” ~ Jnnjuggle32
“My mother was guilted into giving up her career to stay home as a mom, and it was the worst decision she’s ever made.”
“Her circumstances were a little different, but she was also married to a man whose family had money and told her she needed to focus on being a mother, and he was going to be a lawyer and take care of her and all of that stuff an immigrant’s daughter dreams of.”
“And then that didn’t happen and she was stuck at home relying on him for money that he wasn’t bringing in. But by then her career was gone, she was 40 with three kids, an associate’s degree that she never got the chance to further with the company that would have paid for more schooling, and all her friends from that job were gone too.”
“No professional connections, no honed skills, no income. You never know what could happen. Don’t let yourself be unprepared.” ~ bigsigh7
“Offer them a third option.”
“Since you make more money, it only makes sense for your husband to quit his job and be a stay-at-home dad. With his teaching degree, he can homeschool your children.”
“Plus, it’ll give him time to focus on more important things, like going to the club and volunteering for charity. It’s a perfect solution.” ~ username-_-
The OP has a lot to think about and negotiate with her fiancé. Hopefully, they find a solution that works for them both.