My Mother had pet names for us as infants and toddlers that only got brought up jokingly as we got older. They were kind of silly.
But my Sisters and I remember them fondly and sometimes call each other those pet names only our Mother really used.
Terms of endearment, when the motive behind them is affection, might still be embarrassing in public, but amongst family it's usually just nostalgic or loving.
A father who made assumptions about his teenage daughter's desire to be referred to like her younger half-sisters turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
What_50000 asked:
"AITA for not calling my oldest daughter a princess?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (male, 37) have 3 daughter's, ages 15, 6, and 5. We'll call my 15-year-old 'Taylor'."
"I had Taylor with my college girlfriend, we broke up when Taylor was just a baby (under a year old). We coparented well together."
"Now that Taylor is older, she comes here when she wants, but primarily stays with her mom since she's closer to her school/friends."
"She isn't left out—she's always included in family things, whether it be vacations, family photos, any holiday activities. She has her own room that's decorated and leaves stuff here."
"I think all my daughters are equally beautiful and special."
"I got married to my now wife 8 years ago, we now have 2 daughters together. Taylor's always gotten along great with my wife and her little sisters."
"Me, my wife, and all 3 girls went to Disney World for a few days. Taylor has always been a huge Belle fan."
"First day at Disney, I had some work to do, so I got up early and got ready and went to the lobby while the girls got ready."
"When I went back up to the room, my youngest 2 were dressed in princess dresses and crowns, while my oldest had on a very what I would call Belle themed outfit. When I saw the younger 2, I said 'you two look just like princesses'."
"My youngest asked what about Taylor. Taylor in the last few years has been over the cute pet names. Just because she dressed up like her favorite character, didn't mean she would want to be called a princess."
"I just figured at age 15, she would consider herself to be too old. It's not that I think there's an age limit, just that my oldest would be over wanting to be considered a princess."
"So I said, 'I think Taylor is a little too old to be a princess, but she's very pretty'. Taylor said thanks, but sounded a little off."
"I didn't think anything of it."
"We had a good day. Taylor was distant with me, but having fun with my wife and her sisters. I figured I would ask her when we got back to the hotel."
"Well, I got a long angry text from my ex-wife, saying Taylor had texted her that I called her sisters princesses, but not her and said she was too old to be a princess and that really hurt her feelings, I guess."
"I reminded my ex that Taylor has hated cute pet names for years now. My ex said considering we're at Disney, and Taylor was in a Belle themed outfit, I should have thought that she might have wanted to be a princess for the day."
"My ex said I was being an oblivious a**hole. I tried talking to Taylor, but she doesn't want to talk about it and hasn't talked to me much."
"My wife thinks I could have handled the situation better and made it up to Taylor. I don't think assuming my teen daughter wouldn't want to be called a princess is being an a**hole."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I think I could be an a**hole because I called my younger daughters a princess and not my oldest who's a teenager and doesn't like cute pet/ nicknames."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"She was dressed like her favorite freaking PRINCESS."
"Taylor probably took it as you fawning over your two youngest darlings, then you had to make up something polite for her after your FIVE-YEAR-OLD could read the room better than you did and called you on it."
"I'd recommend a one on one outing with her. Tell her she may not want to talk about it, but you need to, so she can just listen."
"Be honest—she's growing up and you don't always know how to handle it. Good luck. YTA." ~ Only-Ingenuity7889
"I'm a grown woman and I am my dad's Baby, Princess, Kiddo, and various embarrassing puns on my name. It shows my dad loves me."
"A teen might be trying to differentiate from their parents hard, but they still want the steady reassurance that they're always going to be loved. The embarrassing but loving nickname might get vocally rejected, but most kids get the affection and use it as a touchstone for their relationship with their parents."
"You don't have to use it in front of her friends, but you sure as hell should use it in front of her." ~ agoldgold
"YTA. You should have called her a princess, let her roll her eyes, then said 'it doesn't matter how old you get, you'll always be my princess'. You know… typical dad stuff." ~ FindingNemosAnus
"YTA: Would it have been that hard to simply say 'You three look lovely'? Like, you complimented two of your children and ignored one of them—the same one who doesn't spend a lot of time with you."
"Props to your youngest for trying to include Taylor. She demonstrated more emotional intelligence in that moment than you did." ~ Impossible_Rain_4727
"Also how hard is it to just say I'm sorry? You said something that unintentionally hurt your daughters feelings. Even if you don't think it should have upset her, it clearly did so why not apologize?"
"Maybe it wasn't not being called a princess that hurt her, maybe it was that you singled her out and made her feel less special than her little sisters. Like the fact that she felt more comfortable talking to her mom than talking to you about this says a lot." ~ Gaberahamj
"There's this thing many people do where they assume if something isn't important to them, if it didn't/wouldn't upset them, then the other person has no legitimate reason to be upset and they should just get over it. 'Why would I bother apologizing for something that isn't a big deal?'." ~ froggus
"The dad claims he never wanted to make Taylor feels less important, but then when he learns that he hurt her feelings, instead of apologizing he starts getting defensive. From the sound of the post, he didn't even apologize to Taylor. The guy prefers to post on Reddit than to apologize to his daughter!" ~ AccomplishedIce2853
"And that question from the youngest should have been THE clue to save the situation and make it right by, for example, telling them something along the lines of 'of course Taylor is a princess but she's also way on her way to being a queen' or whatever."
"Dude (OP), Taylor will definitely already have had the feeling that you like your smaller kids more than her. That's a kid of divorce thing, a teenage thing and an older sibling thing. She has all these things combined."
"You should try harder to show her that she doesn't mean less to you than her sisters do. Calling them princesses but not her, especially after your youngest gave you THE hint to make it right, is only reinforcing that belief."
"I would try to think of something to do with/for her that's a 1:1 thing with you and also something that princesses on their way to queen get to do. I don't know, a session at a make up artist that teaches her how to do her make up, prom dress shopping, or I don't know what." ~ LonelyVariety9715
"YTA. Would you rather be 'right' and the 'winner', or have a relationship with your daughter? Apologize. Be thoughtful in the future."
"Your oldest daughter likely realizes that her sisters get more of your time and affection. Don't make her beg, dude."
"Just put your big boy pants on and tell her you were wrong to be dismissive and that you love her and she's a f*cking princess." ~ Fine-Sherbert-140
"Of course being right is OP's top priority here. His wife, ex, and 5-year-old daughter calling him out wasn't enough of a wake up call." ~ BlueHeaven90
"Nailed it. 5-year old called him out. Ex called him out. Wife called him out. Daughter not talking to him."
"Rather than take the hint and repair his relationship, he's asking Reddit to validate him. YTA, go repair your relationship with Taylor." ~ AuntieMame5280
"YTA for making so many excuses instead of just apologizing to your kid."
"Only kids 12 and under can dress up in costume at Disney parks. From your description, it sounds like your daughter was doing something called DisneyBounding."
"This is a trend where teens and adults pick an outfit based on their favorite character. Your daughter was showing with her outfit that she wanted to be Belle for the day, and you broke some of the magic by not going along with her."
"If you were more curious about this, and asking how to make this up to your daughter, then I'd go with a not a-h judgement." ~ HowlPen
"YTA. First, it sounds like you specifically excluded Taylor when you said 2 of your 3 daughters 'looked just like princesses'. Saying someone looks like a princess is different than calling her a princess."
"Second, and worse, YTA for not apologizing when you found out you got it wrong. I know it sucks to be corrected by your ex, that does t help your relationship with Taylor, does it? Suck it up." ~ Wendy613
OP wonders if it was wrong to make assumptions about his 15-year-old daughter after it was obvious his false assumption upset her.
Seriously‽‽
Dude...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp