As much as we might like to hope that everyone will step up to the plate, some people are not cut out to be parents.
When two people realize their relationship isn't going to work out, even though children are involved, it's important to get clear on how they'll take care of the kids, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowRA-separate11 knew that their soon-to-be ex-husband wasn't interested in stepping up as a dad, and they were already worried about being fired because of the number of times they had to step in and cover for their ex.
But when their daycare called Child Protective Services when he didn't pick their child up on time, the Original Poster (OP) had a moment of feeling vengeance for the situation.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for letting daycare call Child Protective Services (CPS) when my soon-to-be ex-husband failed to pick up our toddler from daycare?"
The OP's soon-to-be ex-husband wanted half custody without putting in the work.
"We're in a trial separation. He wants half custody. It's been several months, and it was the eighth time daycare has called me because he was unable to pick up our toddler."
"Sometimes he was just a 'no show' and the daycare would call me because it's already been half an hour since their official close time."
"Every time, the daycare is p**sed at me for making them stay overtime and we're charged two dollars per minute for being late."
"They threaten to call authorities and CPS if we keep doing this. I tried to explain the problem, but daycare doesn't care (as they shouldn't)."
When their ex no-showed again, it was the final straw.
"Well, last week, it happened again, and I told daycare to go ahead and call the authorities and CPS."
"My soon-to-be ex-husband showed up an hour late and met our toddler there with the cops. Daycare also threatened to kick our toddler out (again, understandably so)."
"My ex-husband was so mad and said I was a cruel mother for abandoning our toddler."
"I told him I warned him multiple times in the past, and issues only arise when he has 'custody' (we switch with each week, trialing house swap too). I told him repeatedly that if he cannot get out of work reliably, he needs to hire a babysitter/nanny, and he cannot rely on me as his primary backup."
"(I'd get it if it was like once or twice a year, or if babysitter/nanny plans fell through... but if I'm his ex-wife and he has custody, he shouldn't depend on me as his primary backup.)"
The OP hoped it would be worth it in the end.
"And I also felt bad about leaving our toddler, but if we separated, this would only keep happening, and I felt short-term pain might be worth the long-term gain."
"I feel bad our toddler is caught in the middle, but was I the AH for letting daycare call CPS?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that if their ex wanted to share custody, he needed to do the work.
"NTA. If he wants to share custody, he needs to do the work half the time or deal with the consequences like an adult." - Lurking_87
"I have a family member going through a divorce. Stbx wants full custody, but still wants her to have the kids full-time so 'she can raise them.' He'll just pop in and out when it works for him."
"And he's shocked/pissed she isn't going for it, lol."
"I wouldn't be surprised if this guy acts mutually shocked when the OP doesn't go for splitting custody when he can't even keep the time for pickup straight." - mrshanana
"What is it with people proposing a 'heads I win; tails you lose' scenario and being genuinely rankled when the other person says no? Do these guys genuinely think that everyone but them operates on cartoon robot levels of intelligence?" - Redqueenhypo
"OP, don't bail him out. My neighbor has been divorced for three years, and her piece of s**t ex still relies on her but doesn't compromise for her and uses it to control her. If he can't handle 50% custody, then that's his problem." - mrsgrabs
"It's wild how some people want 50/50 custody but put in like... 12 percent of the effort. You don't get a gold star just for wanting to be a dad, show up on time, man." - jacobesonex34
Others reassured the OP that the CPS calls and their daycare's testimony would weigh in their favor.
"OP needs to see if she can get testimony/a written statement from the daycare stating they only have issues when the dad has primary custody. I have never been through a custody battle, but I'm assuming their statement would hold some weight?" - MamaFrijoles
"The CPS statements are taken a lot more seriously. This guy's upset because he knows she's got him in his short and curlies." - No_Bluebird7716
"Refusing to pick your child up because you're working even though your husband is showing he's unreliable has the potential to backfire on you massively, especially given your 'trial separation' probably doesn't have legal weight."
"You need to get a lawyer if you don't already have one and follow their advice to the letter." - moomintrolley
"Please be careful that you don't screw yourself over with this. Yes, your ex should have consequences for failing to care for your son by not picking him up from daycare during his parenting time. However, you may not be helping yourself in the upcoming custody battle by telling the daycare to go ahead and call CPS."
"Instead, go pick your son up, Every. Single. Time. and document it. Ask the daycare to call your stbx before calling you and to keep a record for you of how many times he has to be called because he is late or a no-show."
"Use that documentation of your ex's irresponsibility in making sure your child is cared for to get full custody of your son, limited visitation, and full child support." - sunnygal001
"Do not allow CPS in this any longer. It will bite you just as much as him. Lawyer, and document, document, document."
"He only wants 50/50 to avoid child support. He clearly cannot handle solo parenting, whether by choice or circumstance. Proceed to divorce and stop drawing this out - your baby deserves stability." - ChaoticCapricorn
Some cautioned the OP to step in and take care of her child every time instead.
"I don't think you're understanding that if you are not divorced yet, you are both legally responsible for your child at ALL times. Be bitter and petty all you want once the custody and divorce are finalized, but in court YOU WILL ALSO look like the negligent one here." - Strange_Fig_9837
"Your feelings are valid, but beware that when it comes to the custody battle portion of the divorce, the CPS being called to come to daycare might come back to bite you in the a**, too. In my opinion, it'd be better to document his late arrivals and no-shows than to allow CPS to get involved." - Effective-Chain9846
"I think it hurts right now, and you're questioning it because you're a good mom, but in the long run, you did the right thing. Hopefully, your separate times are well documented, and so are your conversations with him, because if he doesn't have time for 50/50 custod,y he doesn't deserve it, and the courts probably wouldn't have seen any problem with it if you didnt involve authorities." - Aggravating_Angel
"Anyone in this thread thinking of the trauma the child is getting with cops and CPS. This is why I hated my parents' divorce; I was the afterthought."
"And CPS could deem them both unfit and send the child to a foster home and who knows what would happen then." - spidermonkeyron21
"YTA big time. Record evidence of these instances, use them when it's time to demonstrate his lack of ability to care for the child. Don't leave a f**king toddler stranded without their parents and stressed-out daycare workers. This is beyond insanity." - ohmysun
"ESH. Your soon-to-be ex-husband is an a**hole and absolutely should be more responsible and adjust his schedule."
"That said, if you could have picked him up and didn't, you also are the a**hole. You wasted valuable CPS time for a child who wasn't being abused or neglected. Also, maybe you don't understand that both parents are parties to a CPS case, and having that on your record can damage you professionally."
"More important, whether or not you are your STBX's primary backup, you are always and forever your child's primary backup when your child is in his other parent's care.
Here's how you handle it: get a written parenting plan for your separation. If your ex keeps violating the timely pickup from daycare provision, bring a motion for contempt. That's all." - Curious-One4595
The subReddit completely understood why the OP was upset and why she allowed the daycare to make that phone call, but they were more worried about them doing the right thing for their child.
They could easily still prove that their ex-partner was negligent without leaving their child waiting, and while they couldn't leave work all the time, it would be worth finding a babysitter at least while this trial separation was running its course.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp