There are very few people who don’t dream of their wedding day.
So, when that joyous occasion finally comes, naturally, it should be everything they want.
That being said, it’s natural to make sure that their guests, namely those with some sort of special need, are accommodated.
This might include having special meals at the ready, ensuring non-alcoholic drinks are served, or setting aside places to stay and modes of transportation to get to and from.
Every now and then, however, some guests might end up making demands centered around them, seemingly forgetting that the day is not about them.
Redditor KeyDizzy361 was greatly looking forward to her upcoming wedding, set to take place at the home of her future mother-in-law [MIL].
Throwing a wrench in the original poster (OP)’s plans, however, was her brother, who expressed concerns about his girlfriend being accommodated.
While the OP did her best, she eventually told l him there was only so much she could do, resulting in both the OP’s brother and mother threatening to boycott her wedding.
Wondering if she was being insensitive, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not having a wheelchair accessible wedding?”
The OP explained how her wedding posed a problem to her brother’s girlfriend, and why she eventually drew the line in accommodating her:
“My (25 F[emale]) fiancé and I (22 F[emale]) are getting married in October.”
“My future MIL is a plant freak and their entire property looks like something out of a garden magazine.”
“Cobblestone paths, fountains, statues, shaped bushes and some of the most beautiful plants and trees I’ve ever seen.”
“Including willow and cherry blossom trees.”
“We’re getting married in the middle of a meadow towards the center of their property, and it’s going to be gorgeous.”
“My brother Justin has been dating Sarah for six years, and they got engaged a few months ago.”
“I’m not close with Sarah because they live across the state and only come down here for holidays and events.”
“Sarah uses a prosthetic leg, and apparently lately, it’s been getting to be too much for her, so she’s been using a wheelchair.”
“He texted me asking if the property was wheelchair accessible, and I said I didn’t know and would let him know what I found out.”
“There aren’t any stairs, but the property has different sections with grass, cobblestone, gravel, and dirt, and since I don’t use a wheelchair, I don’t know how well they are at getting around in terrain like that.”
“We went over to my in-laws to go over the ceremony and reception space and see how difficult it might be for Sarah.”
“I texted my brother to let him know about the terrain.”
“He asked if the reception was in the house, and I said no, we were having a tent set up.”
“He asked if we were putting that party tent flooring down, and I said no.”
“We looked into it, but it was out of our budget, and everything will look nicer in the grass anyway.”
“He asked if we would have one set up anyways because the grass would be too hard for Sarah to wheel over, and I apologized and told him it was thousands out of our budget.”
“He told me that if we didn’t do that, Sarah couldn’t come, and we’d be excluding her.”
“I said that it was unfortunate, and if that was the case, we’d miss her at our wedding.”
“He called me ableist and discriminatory and said that if we wouldn’t accommodate her, then he wouldn’t come to our wedding either.”
“Not even a goddam hour later I got a text from my mom saying that I was being mean to my brother and Sarah and that it wouldn’t be a good look for me if I ‘decided not to do such a simple thing’.”
“She told me that I could handle renting one of those tent patios since we didn’t pay for a venue and DIYd a lot of our wedding.”
“I said I was sorry and gave my reasoning again.”
“She told me that if we excluded Sarah, they’d pull their contribution to our wedding.”
“I’m not sure how exactly since they paid for our dresses, and those were paid for weeks ago.”
“I told her that if she and my brother wanted to foot the I’d be more than happy to speak to my MIL about having one put down.”
“She said no.”
“Her and dad are retired, and Justin has his own wedding to pay for.”
“I feel bad for excluding Sarah, but I’m not sure what else I can do.”
“Sarah has used a prosthetic since she’s been with my brother BUT this is the first and only time they’ve mentioned her being in a wheelchair.”
“We sent out save the dates with my MILs address as the venue about eight months ago and 2 months ago, we sent out formal invitations with more information regarding her property (parking, outdoors, length of walk to ceremony, etc) and I hadn’t heard anything from my brother or Sarah besides a returned RSVP for yes.”
“The quotes we were given for something that we were sure wouldn’t harm my MILS lawn was about $6,000 to $9,000 to rent for the evening.”
“Our budget was $15,000 and we are already at the top end of it.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for having her wedding at a non-wheelchair-accessible venue.
Everyone agreed Justin, as well as the OP’s mother, were way out of line in demanding that the OP pay extra to accommodate Sarah, and many felt the only people who should make any decisions regarding the wedding were the OP and her fiancée.
“NTA.”
“As one who pushed his (late) wheelchair-bound wife for many hundreds of miles, I think I can present a valid opinion.”
“A normal wheelchair, not a ‘transport’ chair with all small wheels, can be pushed on grassy surfaces with some effort if, of course, the terrain isn’t super muddy and soft.”
“And a gravel path shouldn’t be that big a deal either.”
“If we’re not talking huge distances on the grass, this shouldn’t be more than an inconvenience.”- ArtShapiro
“NTA.”
“Most wheelchairs will be fine in grass, and yes, gravel sucks, but a wheelchair can go through that too.”
“She probably can’t wheel herself around, but she sure can be pushed around in grass.”
“She can also use her prosthetic leg and have dedicated chairs around so she doesn’t need to stand or walk for long.”
“I have plenty of experience with wheelchairs and, as it happens, with prosthetic legs.”
“Sarah is being difficult and refuses to compromise.”
“It’s a huge shame your mom won’t see this; she is being used to bully you to spend thousands on adjustments for Sarah’s comfort.”
“It’s almost as if Sarah wants you to exclude her and to get herself tons of attention and sympathy at your cost.”- Turbulent_Break_1862
“NTA.”
“As your mom is being an AH for threatening to withdraw funding when this was just sprung on you.”
“Ordering a dance floor for your wedding for one guest is not a ‘simple thing’.”
“Figuring out how to transport the wheelchair user to the wedding area with their consent (and dignity intact) is.”
“We have a wheelchair user in my family, and the solution is generally for them to be carried in the wheelchair by several brawny guests to the activity area.”
“If the property is so large that this is not feasible, then perhaps your MIL has a golf cart or UTV that could be used to assist Sarah?”- JeepersCreepers74
“NTA.”
“Tell your mom she can take back the bridesmaid’s dresses, and you will tell your bridesmaids to wear what they want (in the US, brides do not generally pay for bridesmaids’ dresses).”
“Your mom is AH for saying that you could handle the rental.’
“F*ck her.”
“It is your money, and I would be very nervous about putting one on MIL property.”
“What if MIL property gets damaged.”
“Your brother needs to look into buying or renting or borrowing an all-terrain wheelchair.”
“They do make them; I think they cost about 1K.”- Think-Room6663
“NTA.”
“The wedding is being held on PRIVATE PROPERTY.”
“Even if she knew about the fiancé needing a wheelchair she would still be NTA for having her wedding where she wants.”
“Your bother is an a**hole.”
“It’s not a simple thing to modify someone’s private property.”
“Your mom is an a**hole for calling it a simple thing.”
“$6,000-9,000 is hardly a simple thing.”
“Give your parents the money that they paid for the dresses.”
“Tell your brother that he can take 6,000 from his own wedding budget to pay for the modifications.”
“People have got to stop calling other people ableist when they don’t get their way.”
“There is nothing ableist about not being able to afford a $6,000 extra wedding expense.”
“OP is a realist.”
“She can’t afford the modifications.”
“Period.”
“The onus is on the brother and his fiancé to figure it out.”- Unicornfarts68
No one likes to feel excluded, no matter the occasion.
That being said, the OP is not excluding Sarah by not making her MIL’s home more wheelchair accessible.
Particularly when it would come at great cost to the OP and her fiancée.
Hopefully, Justin will realize that it is possible for him, Sarah, and his mother to come up with a solution and will stop making this something that solely falls on the shoulders of the OP.