Choosing themes and color patterns for a wedding is intended to be fun and creative.
Everyone gets to play with palettes and fashion a dream event.
But more often than not, the color process can crumble into a nightmare.
Sure some people say they'd love to be in a wedding party and that the ideas are brilliant.
But then they start to try and manipulate things with what works best for them and not the couple.
This is where the drama begins.
Case in point...
Redditor snipperrs wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA For refusing to let my bridesmaid wear her dead mother's favorite color to my wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (31 F[emale]) was married to my amazing husband (34 M[ale]) on Friday."
"The wedding went smoothly, apart from one guest's dress preference, who we'll call Anna."
"Anna's mother sadly passed away in January of this year."
"Her mother was the light of her life, and ever since she passed, Anna has been understandably uptight and distant."
"I have helped Anna throughout her entire grieving time."
"We had been planning this wedding since December and decided we wanted an ocean-themed wedding."
"My family and I grew up on the seaside and have always been close to the ocean."
"I made it extremely clear to all of my bridesmaids that they were to wear blue, a coral pink color, or pastel green."
"Everyone agreed and seemed to love my choices."
"Anna's mother always loved the color dark, vibrant purple."
"Ever since then, Anna would buy everything purple if there was a purple choice."
"Anna and I went for lunch a few weeks after the passing to catch up and support her."
"At lunch, Anna asked me if she could please wear a purple dress to my wedding."
"I'm not crazy about themes usually."
"But since this wedding was themed to support my family's tradition and considering my maid of honor was already going to be wearing a GORGEOUS pastel blue dress with purple and gold accents, me and my husband who I decided to call and discuss the idea with him politely told her that we understand what she's going through, but we really want bridesmaids on the theme."
"To this, she looked hurt and left lunch earlier than expected."
"I hardly heard from Anna until around four weeks after our lunch, despite my attempts at texting, phoning, and even knocking on her door, but she'd continue to shut me off."
"That was until she texted me, 'What do you think of these dresses?'"
"And displayed many different purple dresses in photos."
"I kindly reminded Anna that she wouldn't be wearing a purple dress to my wedding."
"Anna was enraged."
"I tried to tell her that I understand her feelings, but my wedding is my own special day."
"To this, she blocked me."
"Anna unblocked me two days later, apologizing for the way she acted."
"Well, when the wedding rolled around, Anna showed up in a purple dress."
"I asked her why she had gone against my wishes and that she either had to change or leave."
"To this, she told me to stop creating a scene and that I was being dramatic and disrespectful."
"Anna broke out in a screaming match and called me and my family 'insensitive, selfish bastards.'"
"She was escorted out the door screaming."
"Once the wedding had ended, I received messages from Anna's family, friends, and even Anna."
"They were all saying how Anna was going through a lot and that I was being an a**hole."
"So, AITA for not just letting Anna wear the damned purple dress?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. If she's grieving so deeply that she really needed to wear that color, she should have offered to step down as bridesmaid."
"As a guest, she could wear the purplest purple that ever purpled without an issue." ~ KaliTheBlaze
"I understand wanting to pay tribute to her mother, but it isn't her day."
"Absolutely not her day."
"She deserves a NTA for asking the first time, but she deserves a TA for every choice she made after you rejected her." ~ StayEmergency2145
"It was your wedding OP."
"Not a memorial for her mother."
"You didn't request anything out of the ordinary, and her friends and family are not helping her move through anything in a healthy manner." ~ ALostAmphibian
"I don't understand why she needs to honor her mother at someone else's wedding."
"At her own wedding, sure. But someone else's?"
"She needs help, not purple anything. NTA." ~ questionerfmnz
"You didn't want her to. Her own grieving process seemed to be forcing it."
"And she should have realized that and stepped down so she could respect your event by attending as a guest while also doing what she felt like she had to do for herself."
"It honestly sounds like she's not coping well, and her whole family is giving into her process because it's easier and less conflict than telling her she's not acting appropriately and needs help."
"She bought a dress in the color she wanted, put it on, and went to the wedding knowing what you had said - that's a lot of work."
"And usually only done when someone is used to others around them caving and giving in since 'they already did it.'"
"NTA - not even a little." ~ Atypical_Mom
"Honestly, it seems she needs some grief therapy."
"She has a lot of strong emotions related to her mother's passing and needs a healthy way to process it."
"You deserve to have the wedding you want, not to make it about memorializing Anna's mother. NTA." ~ trvllvr
"NTA, and exactly as another said, this was your wedding, not a memorial for her mother."
"And while we sympathize and are understanding, your grief does not give you a pass to be an AH to others." ~ Frequent_Couple5498
"NAH, she needs serious therapy."
"The attachment she has to purple to this extent is extreme, and she seems mentally unstable."
"I think you should have been more direct ultimatum-wise, but hindsight is 50/50."
"Unless she gets serious help, I'd stay away from her permanently." ~ TruthfulBoy
"You are NTA."
"There was another post recently where a bridesmaid wore a gaudy necklace in memory of her own dead father."
"Then she was mad that the bride digitally modified the necklace in one photo so that it matches the rest of the bridesmaids."
"If these ppl must mourn publicly, they can but not as bridesmaids where their attire needs approval by the bridal party."
"I bet your friend won't be wearing a purple dress at her own wedding."
"This is just a stunt to draw attention to her." ~ LifeAsksAITA
"If you speak to either Anna or anyone who's been defending her again, it should be to urge her to seek grief counseling."
"She tried to make someone else's wedding about herself and even caused a scene to the point where she had to be escorted out."
"This is not someone who is handling their loss very well, and it's only going to cause her more problems later down the line." ~ jupiter235
"Bingo, except I don't know if the bridesmaid's intent was necessarily malicious."
"When someone passes away, it can be very hard to feel like the world is moving on without them."
"It sounds like the bridesmaid was struggling with that concept and was trying to insert her mom in a way like she would be present."
"OP, you are NTA, and your friend needs serious therapy to process her trauma." ~ AnonaDogMom
"I agree with you. This seemed more about control, not respecting boundaries, and making the ceremony about her."
"Her plan was to stand out like a sore thumb so everyone could talk about poor Anna. She just hasn't been the same since her mother died, tsk, tsk."
"She could have worn purple jewelry, carried a purple bag, put a purple ribbon in her hair, or worn purple shoes."
"And buying and wearing a purple dress after expressly being asked not to and throwing a fit about it was about not getting her way."
"She hoped that she would get her way and everyone would want to avoid a scene."
"She literally threw a tantrum like a toddler."
"I'm betting this is about control and attention." ~ SubstantialPressure3
"NTA. She could've respected your wish but instead did the opposite."
"Blocking people because you got in an argument with them is also very childish."
"She's got some issues she really needs to work on." ~ IllustratorDouble699
"Anna could wear her mother's favorite color every day to remember her by."
"She could wear it to the grocery store... to get her oil changed."
"She could wear it to your rehearsal dinner... and to other wedding activities."
"But, damn, she can just not wear it to the wedding."
"It's not like you hadn't discussed it months in advance."
"She needs mental help."
"After the screaming Anna was escorted out. I hope some of Anna's family and friends are actually doing something to help her besides calling you an a**hole. NTA." ~ YouthNAsia63
"NTA. Anna has had, and will continue to have for the rest of her life, countless opportunities to wear purple."
"If she has a wedding of her own, she is free to wear purple to that."
"This is your wedding, and she had agreed to be a member of the bridal party."
"No matter how grief-stricken she is, she does not get to choose her own color scheme."
"If the color were so very important to her, the graceful thing to do would be to withdraw from the bridal party and attend as a regular guest."
"She chose not to do this and instead created a huge scene."
"Her behavior was appalling."
"The world doesn't revolve around her and her grief."
"She's not the only person in the world to lose a parent."
"I've lost a parent, and I wouldn't dream of behaving like that." ~ ThisWillAgeWell
Well, OP, Reddit is with you on this one.
Your wedding, your rules.
And putting the dress aside, that behavior at the end is disturbing.
Glad you could put it behind you and have a good day.
Congrats and good luck.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.