Money is a significant cause of conflict in relationships.
People often have different money-saving and spending habits.
It really should be addressed head-on.
If one person likes to spend everything they make, will their money-saving partner bail them out?
If the frugal partner bails them out more than once, is the expectation that it will always be their spendthrift partner’s fault?
A woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her partner asked for money one time too many.
Kate_Johnson02 asked:
“AITA for refusing to pay for my boyfriend’s dog’s vet bills when he’s always broke?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So, I (23, female) have been with my boyfriend (27, male) for a little over two years. He has a dog, Buster, who I absolutely love, but the thing is… my boyfriend is terrible with money.”
“Like, the kind of guy who gets paid and immediately spends half his paycheck on games, random collectibles, eating out, and whatever new hobby he’s fixated on that month. Then, by the middle of the month, he’s suddenly broke and ‘so stressed’ about bills.”
“Anyway, last week, Buster got really sick and needed urgent vet care, which ended up costing a few hundred dollars. My boyfriend called me, panicking, saying he didn’t have enough and asking if I could help.”
“And yeah, I could afford it, but honestly, I was so frustrated because this isn’t even the first time he’s been in a financial crisis over something he should have planned for. I told him I love Buster, but this was his responsibility, and he should have set aside emergency savings instead of constantly blowing money on nonsense.”
“That’s when he hit me with, ‘So you’d just let Buster suffer?’ Like… no? But also, why is this suddenly my problem? I suggested he ask his family or, I don’t know, maybe not act like I’m an ATM, and he got all huffy and passive aggressive about it.”
“Now he’s been distant, and some of our mutual friends are saying I was heartless for not helping when I clearly had the money.”
“I feel guilty because I do love that dog, and I get that emergencies happen, but at the same time, I’m not his financial safety net, especially when he constantly refuses to be responsible with his own money.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I refused to pay for my boyfriend’s dog’s vet bills even though I could afford it because I felt it wasn’t my responsibility when he constantly mismanages his money.”
“This might make me the a**hole because Buster needed urgent care, and by not helping, I could be seen as prioritizing my frustration with my boyfriend over the dog’s well-being.”
“Some of our mutual friends think I was being heartless since I had the money, but I feel like it’s unfair for me to always bail him out when he refuses to be financially responsible.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“You’re NTA. He is 27, but acting like a 16-year-old who is newly employed and blowing his paycheck on toys. He needs to learn to budget and save for emergencies.”
“You say, ‘some of our mutual friends are saying I was heartless for not helping when I clearly had the money’. I bet they’re not chipping in.”
“He can set up a payment plan with the vet or put it on a credit card.” ~ Dittoheadforever
“You need to move on from this guy. Someone so financially irresponsible will make your life a nightmare.”
“I was married to someone like this. ‘Hey, husband, where did the new motorcycle come from?’ Him: ‘Yeah, I noticed there was $2,000 in the checking account, so I used it for a down payment on a new Harley.’ Me: ‘That money was for the mortgage which is due in a week.’ Him: ‘You’ll figure something out, because I’m not giving up my new bike’.”
“He kept getting fired from jobs because he was immature and irresponsible, while I never missed a paycheck. But I didn’t make enough to cover all our bills.”
“Over the years we had more than one house foreclosed on us and cars repossessed because of his crap.”
“This is a similar future that you are looking at. Not everyone is a good fit as a partner, and this man is not a good partner unless you want to be his ‘Mommy’ for the rest of your life.” ~ Successful_Voice8542
“NTA, but does this relationship have a future? If he is like that at 27, hard to imagine him changing anytime soon…” ~ Neurismus
“Yeah, at 27 you should know the concept of a budget. I expect that behaviour from an 18-year-old with their first couple of paychecks.”
“There’s a point you’re meant to realise that blowing all your money the first week is irresponsible.” ~ The_Death_Flower
“NTA. If you have pets you are responsible for them. We have three cats and put €60 per month aside for yearly vet visits and emergencies. That’s what a responsible owner does.”
“Your boyfriend shouldn’t have a dog at all. He isn’t financially mature.”
“He could easily sell some of his collectibles and voilà! There’s money for the vet bill.”
“But he doesn’t even think about this because his material things are more important than his dog.” ~ UnhappyCryptographer
“NTA. But why the h*ll are you in a relationship with someone who is the opposite of you in those important things?”
“He won’t change, he will always rely on you because you help him.”
“It’s time for an honest talk about values and aims. Don’t waste your time, money, and energy.” ~ Bastet79
“Exactly. This behavior would be a deal-breaker for me.”
“And he would have been weeded out from my long-term dating prospects by the 3rd date because my hard work and self-denial of ‘treats’ to build up savings is not getting destroyed by some yahoo who thinks he can have his cake (my cake!) and eat it, too.”
“If you’re willing to put up with a partner with this mindset, who will drag you down with him for the rest of your time together (don’t get me started on how you will share his debts if you marry him!), then at the very least, make sure he pays you back for each expense the second he gets his paycheck.”
“Or you will just spend the rest of your relationship subsidizing his fun, carefree lifestyle while you deny yourself any joyful purchases in order to play catch-up with your finances every month. NTA.” ~ Lizwings
“Your boyfriend seems to be a person with a lifestyle CAUSING one emergency after the other. A good way to guilt you into paying for him again and again.”
“Why don’t you break up with Mister Emergency and find someone less tedious?” ~ k23_k23
“NTA. Care credit. You see the 🚩🚩🚩🚩 now, right? Why are you still with this person? And trying to guilt trip you, too?”
“He’s 27 and STILL doesn’t have his sh*t together. You deserve better. If you are not on the same page having financial responsibilities and being able to budget, it’s a relationship and marriage killer.”
“It only gets worse. He may need an advisor to learn how to do it properly. But don’t you dare become that for him.”
“You’re too young. Dump him and go travel and enjoy your life. This guy is not the one you’re looking for.” ~ Leviosapatronis
“NTA, but you need to ask yourself, ‘Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?’. If the answer is no, which it sounds like it is, why are you still there?”
“Takes more than feelings to make a relationship work long term.” ~ Mommabroyles
“NTA. I, personally, would likely have paid for the dog’s care then dumped the boyfriend, but I’m a sucker for animals. Its his responsibility to have a plan to pay for his pets and to just learn to budget in general.”
“If he can’t do that, he shouldn’t have a pet at minimum. Hopefully, this will be his wake-up call, but it sounds like he’d rather blame you than take responsibility.” ~ emptydragonsevrywhr
“So you’re NTA, but given you love the dog, this is really not the place where I’d draw the line if this was happening frequently.”
“I’d do it with groceries or something. I wouldn’t say no and have this conversation for the first time over something this serious.” ~ LexChase
“NTA. HE is the one that is letting Buster suffer. He should take responsibility for the commitment he’s made by owning a dog.” ~ InterviewGlum9263
However one person felt the OP picked the wrong time to make her point, voting everyone sucked here (ESH).
“I’m going with ESH, with him getting 90% and you getting 10%.”
“If you’ve been annoyed with this behavior for a while, the time to pick this fight isn’t when his dog is having an emergency. Because you look like the a**hole if you have loaned him money before and choose not to this time.”
“It looks like you don’t care about his dog, not that you are holding a boundary.” ~ littleorangemonkeys
The OP later added:
“Hey y’all, I really appreciate all the responses, seriously.”
“So about my boyfriend, well he’s actually a great guy in a lot of ways. We get along really well, he’s kind, we have fun together, and honestly, if it weren’t for the money stuff, things would be perfect.”
“That’s why this is such a tough situation. I know he means well, but his spending habits drive me crazy.”
“I don’t wanna feel like I’m his mom, always being the responsible one while he just wings it every month. At the same time, I love Buster, and it sucks to see him in the middle of all this.”
“I get why some people think I should’ve just paid and dealt with it later, but I also don’t wanna set the expectation that I’ll always be the one fixing his money problems.”
“It’s just a lot to think about. Thanks again for all the input. I really appreciate it!”
Hopefully, Buster is OK.
As for this relationship, it’s important to remember that people will treat you the way you let them.
If OP repeatedly allowed the expectation that they’re an ATM, their boyfriend won’t understand when they don’t want to be treated like one when their financial emergency is an actual emergency.