Acceptance of relationships that go beyond monogamy has grown. Once considered taboo in modern society, open relationships—where romantic partners are free to date and/or engage in sex with others—are no longer the dirty little secrets they were in the past.
But what if only one partner draws interest from others after a couple decides to open their relationship? And who decides if the relationship should go back to monogamy?
A woman turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after her boyfriend declared the open relationship he wanted was closed again.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Throwawaypandaabear asked:
“My boyfriend is mad at me because he opened up our relationship and got no dates—AITAH for how I responded?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Me and my boyfriend (both 37) have been dating for just over 3 years. Prior to this, I was single for 8 years.”
“Overall, it’s been a healthy relationship. We are both independent with our jobs, living situations etc…”
“I do love spending time with him, I don’t really have any complaints.”
“However, something that startled me was back about 6 months ago, him saying that he wanted to open the relationship up, meaning going on dates and sleeping with other women.”
“I’ve never been in a dynamic like this, so I naturally had a lot of questions. He told me that I could also go on dates and sleep with other men.”
“I honestly was a little skeptical at first, but after doing some research and having time to think, I agreed. He had told me that if at any point I wasn’t comfortable, we could stop and close the relationship up again.”
“One of the rules was, we don’t discuss with each other what we’re doing or who we’re going on dates with etc…”
“I signed up to a dating app, within a few days I had 500+ likes, and it’s been pretty steady since. So I started matching with people, texting and arranging dates.”
“On average, I go on one or two dates a month. There are also some people in similar dynamics of open relationships that I am going on dates with and sleeping with regularly.”
“I quite like the fact that everything is non-committal, so even though I was skeptical at first, I am enjoying the open relationship! As decided from before, I hadn’t told my boyfriend about any of this.”
“I was at my boyfriend’s house the other day, and my phone was on the kitchen counter. He saw my notifications and then proceeded to go through my phone and read messages, including going through the dating app and whatnot.”
“To say he was angry was an understatement. Turns out he opened the relationship up to take out on a date a younger colleague at his workplace, who misread his idea of a ‘date’ as just a work lunch.”
“He then openly told me that he wanted to see if it would work with her so he could ultimately leave me for her. However, she didn’t want him, and it seems like… no one else did either.”
“In the last 6 months, he’s had a few rough dates, but no one additional to sleep with. I feel somewhat embarrassed for him.”
“He demanded we instantly close the relationship up, and I told him that maybe we should just end things or at least take a break. He was outraged and called me names, but… he was the one who wanted this dynamic, so what’s the problem‽‽”
“I left, and as I walked home, I contemplated fully breaking it off with him. He’s been blowing my phone up, and I’m not quite sure what to say.”
“AITAH?”
The OP later added:
“In the moment when I asked him why the name-calling, he stated it’s because I disrespected him by asking, ‘Does no one else want you?'”
“But I promise, that in that moment, I was genuinely confused & curious as I thought because this was his idea, he had dates & whatnot lined up. This is my first time in an open relationship, so I wasn’t really sure what I was doing.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was better off without their boyfriend (NTA).
“You should join the rest of the population in not dating him as well.” ~ Know_the_rules
“Sounds like you’re out there killing it. Have you considered asking out his work colleague?” ~ SpamLandy
“OP, this is a tale as old as time. One side wants to open up the relationship for one of two reasons:”
“They are already cheating.”
“They have someone they want to cheat with, and opening up the relationship will make it ‘legal’.”
“Dump his a**.” ~ cyanocittaetprocyon
“And then it plays out in the classic way, too:”
“They can’t have dates.”
“The other partner has dates whenever they want.”
“He even admitted he keeps OP as a backup. That alone would be a reason for me to break up and enjoy being casual until I’d meet the right person.”
“I’m better than being someone’s backup if the dream doesn’t work out. He still doesn’t realise what he has, and won’t until he’s lost OP fully and irreversibly.” ~ EatThisSh*t
“On top of that, the ‘don’t ask/don’t tell’ part of this also made it clear he wasn’t serious about doing the real emotional work that it takes to keep a happy, healthy, and strong relationship going while you are also sleeping with other people.”
“It is a tale as old as time that:”
“-dude asks to open sh*t because he wants to f*ck a specific person”
“-gal thinks over what ‘open/poly/whatever’ means, and agrees”
“- dude makes it clear his ego can’t handle hearing about her with others, so makes sure that gal has to lie to him to cover up the fact that she might be with other people at times, and can’t be honest about what she does when not with him”
“- dude can’t get laid, let alone even a date”
“- gal gets laid/taken on dates/etc… as often as she wants”
“- dude starts to get upset he can’t get laid”
“- dude finds out how often gal is getting laid”
“- dude gets very upset that his gal is sleeping with others and tears her down/breaks up with her/acts like she’s slutty mcslutslut”
“- gal is so confused why she is getting yelled at and treated as lesser than for doing the things he suggested in the first place”
“- hopefully, gal breaks up with dude when she realizes equity was not a thing he cared about at all, getting his d*ck wet more was what this was all about in the first place”
“Moral of the story: opening your relationship, for the right reasons, with the right person, in a healthy manner, may work for some. None of that was done here, so of course, sh*t didn’t work out like dude had planned.”
“As you/OP say, all the dude wanted was to audition a new girlfriend, and didn’t expect it would be so easy for his gal to meet new dudes, either.”
“F*ck this guy. He’s an emotionally immature liar that can’t handle the repercussions of his actions, or think through the potential consequences of things he might ask for.”
“OP is way better off without him, and he’s totally the AH here, in every way. What a schmuck that dude is.” ~ Clever_plover
“He admitted that he was stringing you along to see if this younger woman wanted him. If she had wanted him he would have broken up with you for her and you are asking if you are the a**hole?”
“Lady, you are a moron if you stay.” ~ Competitive-Bat-43
“Dude’s like a monkey swinging between vines. He won’t let go of one till he’s got a firm grip on the next.”
“NTA, dump him the way he’d dump you in a heartbeat.” ~ LadyofSwanLake
“NTA. What the f*ck valid reason could you possibly have for not breaking up with him after this? He literally told you it was step one in his plan to leave you. Why the f*ck would he have any place in your life right now?” ~ Longwinded_Ogre
“He told OP he only kept her around to keep his d*ck wet while he shopped for her replacement. But no one else wanted him, so he’s pissed and lashing out at her. Why would she entertain keeping this guy around for even a millisecond?” ~ Wildheit88
The OP provided an update:
“I can’t keep up with all the comments (no idea this was going to happen here…) but I’m reflecting and think it’s best that, as of now, he becomes my ex, full stop.”
“I’m embarrassed for myself reading this. Thanks for the reality check.”
“I’ve got through things before, I’ll get through this too.”
“I think it’s just hitting me that this relationship has been over way before any of this kicked off. Just sitting with that is difficult, but it is what it is.”
It sounds like OP won’t need to worry about sitting at home alone, unlike her soon-to-be ex.
He’s hit the “find out” portion of (tried to) FAFO.