Dishonesty is something people tolerate in varying degrees.
Some people don't care if the people in their lives lie all the time about everything—they'll even go to extremes to defend their lying. Others excuse "good faith" lies, but not the ones intended to cause harm. While some have zero tolerance for any lying.
A young woman who inadvertently exposed someone's lies turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Odd_Gur1166 asked:
"AITA for accidentally catching my brother's girlfriend in a lie?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (19, female) have a brother (24, male) that I'll call Liam. Earlier this year, he started dating a girl he met at his climbing class that I'll call Emma (26, female)."
"They've been together for 4 months and this weekend he decided to introduce her to us. They arrived yesterday and are staying until tonight."
"She is a really nice person and we got along well. Then at one point my dad asked her what she did in life and she said she was a lawyer."
"I was super interested because I'm currently studying law and have wanted to be a lawyer since I was maybe 10, so I was very excited to ask her questions about it."
"I asked about cases that she had, how she studied to become a lawyer, what her days looked like and many more things. I might've been a little over enthusiastic and annoying, but I didn't realize it at the time and was just excited to get to ask someone questions about my dream job."
"But at one point she said something that seemed incoherent to me. The details might be long and boring, but basically she just said something that isn't technically possible."
"So I was curious and a bit confused and I asked her how that was possible because I just thought she's the professional so she must know better than me. But as she tried to explain it, she just said more incoherent and impossible things."
"It was kind of like if someone was quoting things from Grey's Anatomy to doctors if you see what I mean. So I asked more about it to understand and that's when she admitted that she wasn't actually a lawyer and worked at a bookstore."
"She told us that she was very sorry for lying and then left the table and my brother followed her. My parents kind of scolded me for being so intrusive and when my brother came back he was a bit angry."
"He started telling me that I was wrong for 'interrogating her' and that I made her uncomfortable, and that she had lied because she was embarrassed about her job and I just made her more embarrassed."
"Now he hasn't been talking to me since and neither has Emma. I'm not sure I'm in the wrong here, but they all seem to think so."
"I get that me asking questions was annoying and maybe a bit too much, but I truly didn't have bad intentions. I was just excited to be able to talk about it with someone.
"And also, I don't understand how everyone is so okay with the fact that she lied to my brother for 4 months and then also lied to us. I get being embarrassed, but I don't know—it's still a bit weird to me."
"But I never meant to make her uncomfortable and I genuinely liked her. I don't see how I'm in the wrong, but maybe I just can't see it."
"So please tell me so that I can have another perspective."
The OP later added:
"My brother didn't know that she was lying, because she had also told him she was a lawyer when they met and he also found out at dinner that it was a lie."
"I'm guessing she lied to him when they first met and didn't expect it to take such proportions and was kind of stuck in her lie, which I can have sympathy for, but it's still really weird."
"For everyone wondering if I'm on the spectrum or neurodivergent in any way, I haven't been diagnosed with anything, but many doctors and teachers of mine have mentioned it to me."
"I can understand why, but I don't want to self diagnose obviously. I haven't been able to get tested because my parents 'don't believe in that stuff', but as soon as I'm fully independent (financially, and living on my own) I will get tested."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole for asking lots of questions and being 'pushy' or annoying because it ended up revealing her lie to everyone."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. She's a weirdo for lying about being a lawyer and your family is weird for acting like you did anything wrong when you assumed she was the knowledgeable one and was just trying to grasp what she was saying."
"It's not like you were trying to catch her in a lie. She couldn't keep up with it and had to out herself to end the conversation." ~ Objective-Ad9800
"Your brother is probably doubling down and trying to make you the bad guy so he doesn't have to feel his own embarrassment at being fooled for months. NTA." ~ Fit_Menu8933
"If your brother knew were studying law, I'm surprised that he hadn't told her. If my date told me she was a lawyer, I would have said 'My sister is going to love to talk to you as she is currently in law school'."
"NTA—she was doubly stupid for claiming to be a lawyer. I expect your parents were trying to support your brother through his embarrassment, but that night in bed they would have been laughing at her audacity in trying to pretend to be one." ~ Future_Direction5174
"She's the one who lied, how on earth are you the bad guy in this situation? NTA." ~ KateNotEdwina
"Where's the accountability for the actual liar?"
"I hope this girl goes no contact with her family if they're willing to risk their relationship with their family member over a liar who her brother has dated for four months."
"If she can lie about something so minuscule she can lie about bigger things." ~ Gold_Bathroom356
"NTA. I mean, maybe learn to read the room, but still, an excited young person talking a bit too much about something is at worst a little socially unaware, but that's not bad—you couldn't have known."
"She played with fire and got burnt. Not to mention how could she possibly think this could work out with such a huge lie?"
"And over so long. This is someone with some serious issues. Even if she didn't have malicious intentions, it is still very disturbed." ~ Equivalent-Ad5449
"If I was the brother, I would not put my significant other that LIED to me for 4 months above the relationship I have with my little sister. I'd probably break up with my partner for lying to me for THAT LONG."
"My trust would be broken and I would doubt the things she says to me from that point on. I think it's just a weird situation in general and I would honestly be a little creeped out."
"NTA. Something is definitely off with her, especially since she tried so hard to maintain the lie instead of just saying the truth. Too calculated."
"Also makes me wonder how the hell her brother didn't figure out that she worked at a bookstore and wasn't a lawyer of all things." ~ Popular_Cat_477
"I have to believe that this is more about embarrassing the brother than outing the liar. Liam got to the 'meet the parents' stage of a relationship without realising that his partner was lying about something huge."
"And was likely lying about lots of other things as well. The whole family turned on OP for accidentally revealing that her brother was fooled into a fake relationship with a pathological liar."
"It's messed up, but OP now knows that her parents have a favourite kid and it isn't her. NTA." ~ werewere-kokako
"NTA. She told a big lie and got caught out."
"Whether she got caught out now, by your curiosity, or later, by you going to her for advice on how to get into your dream career, work experience, etc..., this lie was not going to last."
"NTA for being interested, then having a 'say, what?' moment when she got an answer wrong on your special interest." ~ Cautious-Job8683
"NTA. It's weird she lied for so long, and then everyone's mad at you? That's messed up. It's not ur fault she couldn't keep up with her own lie."
"If she was embarassed about her job she shldnt have lied in the first place. Like, she dug her own grave here." ~ Lillypilar
"NTA. If it was a smaller lie with fewer wider implications, then YWBTA for trying to pick holes."
"But for her to have lied about something so big as whether or not she is a lawyer (with the other implications about her career trajectory, financial situation, her ambitions, etc...) is a fairly big thing for your brother to be kept in the dark over."
"It might be that she was saying it because she is (wrongly) embarrassed about 'just' working in a bookstore, in which case she probably isn't a bad person."
"But whatever her motivation, it's not great that she has misled your brother for so long. It also begs the question 'what else has she lied about?'." ~ AHBS3
The OP had only good intentions when they asked their questions.
Only Emma knows what the true intention of her lies was.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp