Nice as it is to receive an invitation to come to a friend or family member's house for dinner, some people always accept the invitation with a bit of trepidation.
As they can't be too sure if there will be anything served that they will be able to eat.
If the hosts are serving food someone simply doesn't like, most of the time they will just put on a good face and do their best to keep it down.
In some cases, however, the guests in question are truly unable to eat the food they've been served.
Redditor gutenoodle found himself faced with this very problem every time he had dinner at their grandparents house.
Not wanting to leave dinner hungry, the original poster (OP) came up with a solution he thought was reasonable.
Unfortunately, their plan ended up angering their grandmother.
Concerned they may have been rude, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for bringing 'back up' vegan food to the family function?"
The OP explained why they upset their grandmother at a recent family dinner she prepared:
"I brought my own packaged vegan food to a family get together at my grandma's house."
"She does try to make sure there are vegan options for me, but sometimes she misses the mark."
"Example: salad with non-vegan dressing and fried potatoes."
"So that day I only ate fried potatos."
"The food was only a 'back up' in case that happened again."
"She was pretty mad when she saw i had brought it, i tried to explain but she said it was rude and that she always makes sure I have enough to eat."
"She tries to make sure, but it doesn't always work out."
"In the past I have offered to cook some vegan dishes together."
"She said no one is allowed in the kitchen with her."
"I don't know how else to deal with this, was what I did really rude?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for bringing their own vegan food to their grandmother's house.
Everyone agreed that since the OP's grandmother has been frequently made aware of their vegan diet and continued to ignore it, it was more than reasonable for the OP to make sure there would be food he could eat that he brought himself:
"I'm an older person (66 F[emale]) so I feel that I can say this."
"A lot of older people don't get it."
"They don't want to get it."
"They want things to be exactly how they want them to be."
"Their picture perfect holiday table."
"I'm not vegan."
"Not even vegetarian though I don't eat much meat anymore."
"However I would not feel the least bit offended if someone brought their own food based on their dietary choices, religious dictates or personal health needs."
"I want my guests to be happy and comfortable."
"That's just me."
"So, NTA, but maybe avoid the holiday meal time and show up for after dinner festivities if that's possible."- RealLuxTempo
"NTA."
"I have allergies and sometimes people forget or only make sure one food item like a dessert is safe for me."
"I need to eat more that just dessert for a meal so sometimes I bring a back up of food."
"I think it's a normal thing to do if you are vegan or have allergies."- Ghosty1028
"NTA."
"I'm vegan as well, as it's lovely when people cater for you."
"However there are a lot of things that aren't vegan which non-vegans wouldn't realize and make understandable assumptions about."
"You mentioned she has tried and made honest mistakes previously."
"This wasn't a malicious move to shove in her face that she isn't inclusive of you, but to ensure you were catered for, just in case."
"Your grandma clearly takes pride in her hospitality and feels undermined, even though you don't intend it."
"Going forward is it possible for her to let you know what vegan options there are going to be?"
"You've said she won't let you join cooking to help, but maybe she'll allow you to make suggestions?"- eternal_entropy
"NTA."
"If experience has proven that you aren't always able to eat the food at a function, you're well within your right to bring some food for yourself as a backup."
"If your grandma takes it personally, ask her if you can explain why this dietary choice is so important to you so she understands that it's nothing to do with her."
"Side note: my wife and BiL are vegan and lucky for them I'm a professional cook so they never have to worry about cross-contamination with me lol."
"I commend your grandma for trying."- Jagasaur
"NTA."
"You have a specific diet, and it hasn't always been abided by."
"Since she said 'no one is allowed in the kitchen with her', it isn't about the type of food, it's about grandma controlling the food in her place."
"Getting upset at someone bringing food when food is supposed to be provided is not surprising, but she didn't want to listen to the reasoning or make a compromise."
"I'd continue to bring back up food, but keep it in the car until you need it."- laztheinfamous
"NTA."
"I have close friends in my life with either anaphylactic food allergies or food intolerances that will make them sick."
"When they come over for dinner or parties you better believe I go out of my way to make sure there is vegan/vegetarian/gluten free food/whatever they can safely consume."
"Whatever they need I will as host make sure to provide."
"I 100% do the same if someone who's vegan or vegetarian by choice comes over."
"And honestly as someone with a weird food allergy myself I don't bat an eyelash when folks ask if they can bring something to cater to their dietary needs."
"Grandma's more likely embarrassed she can't get it right or possibly that she just doesn't know what to make."
"You said she won't let you cook but can you suggest recipes?"
"Maybe Grandma just needs some guidance."
"I like Hanson's Razor for handling situations like this—'Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity'."
"Or in this case ignorance."
"I follow this until someone proves they're not ignorant or stupid."- TheMposter
"NTA, if you're vegan you will get flack for either asking for vegan food to be made for you OR bringing your own vegan food because it wasn't made for you."
"It's like you're damned if you do or don't."
"I'm not even a vegan and it gives me a headache!"
"Bring your food."
"If they want you to eat what they make, it would have to be vegan."
"If that is something they cant/won't take on for whatever reason, then yeah I think you reserve the right to bring your own."
"I have had to do this when I was going through the FODMAP diet."- vanillablue_
"NTA."
"If she was really trying her best to accommodate you, you wouldn't be eating one singular side."
"It's wild she doesn't want help in the kitchen and won't cook more for you when she says she will."
"Grandma might not like that you're vegan and this is her way of subtly putting you down."
"I'd bring my own food too or just avoid these dinners if this is how she wants to act."
"Unfortunately I think no matter what you do she'll find a way to say you're not behaving in a way she wants you to."- maryjanerain
"NTA."
"Sounds like Grandma's pride has been wounded."
"I'm not vegan and certainly don't think I've ever made a meal that could be considered vegan."
"But what I can do is follow a recipe and would be happy to if I was hosting someone who was."
"I also would not be offended if they brought something of their own if they had concerns."
"I have a granddaughter who occasionally gets tired of eating meat and will go vegetarian for several months."
"I always make sure that when she's with me that she has food to eat that she's happy with."
"I think it's time to have a serious conversation with Grandma and explain how much you appreciate her trying to accommodate you but how she is missing the mark."- ugh_idfk
It would be one thing if the OP brought their own food simply because they didn't like their grandmother's cooking.
Seeing as his grandmother, intentionally or not, continued to ignore the OP's dietary restrictions, the OP seemed to do the most logical thing by bringing their own food.
Perhaps if the OP's grandmother weren't so protective of her kitchen and let the OP join her in there from time to time, they might be able to come up with menu options that might please them both.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp