Honesty is in the foundation of every good relationship, and future marriages are no exception.
Any conversations concerning money should absolutely be truthful, added the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted his account, had to learn this after being deceptive with his fiancée.
After seeing her reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he handled the situation poorly.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for not buying my girlfriend a diamond ring?”
The OP and his fiancée couldn’t agree on a ring.
“My girlfriend and I were talking about getting engaged and I wanted her to be happy with her engagement ring, so I took her to a local jeweler.”
“She picked out a $2,600 ring with a lab-grown diamond, which thankfully was cheaper than the real thing. But it was still insanely expensive for a ring.”
“We agreed on saving to retire early, but now she wants a crazy expensive ring?!”
“She told me she wants that one since it will be forever, and she doesn’t want to settle for a less nice ring.”
“I tried to convince her to go for a cheaper ring and she wouldn’t go for it.”
The OP decided to swap rings anyway.
“I went back to the jeweler, and the lady said they could do one with quartz for $1200 less, so it would be $1400.”
“I thought that would be fine, since it was exactly the same.”
“I proposed with the quartz ring and she looked super happy and accepted.”
“I didn’t conceal that it was quartz, but I didn’t tell her at the proposal either.”
“If she wants to marry me, a ring that looks exactly the same but with a different stone shouldn’t be the dealbreaker.”
The OP’s fiancée didn’t appreciate it when she found out.
“Well, she lost some weight this summer and went back to the jeweler to get it refitted and found out from them that it was not a diamond.”
“She was super angry and said I lied to her.”
“I told her she got the receipt (but it didn’t say the ring with diamond) and it was $1400, so did she think it was a diamond at that price?”
“She said I totally overpaid for a quartz ring, and I told her it was because she was pressuring me to get the style she wanted. I had to pay whatever the jeweler wanted for that style of ring, since I couldn’t find it elsewhere.”
“She has been extremely cold to me the last few days.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was the AH for being deceptive.
“The lie is what makes him the a**hole. Diamonds are bulls**t, and $2,600 is way too much to spend on a ring IMO (for reference, my engagement ring was about $500. It’s gorgeous and I absolutely love it,) but he should have talked to her about it.”
“They could have discussed alternatives (quartz, moissanite, white sapphire) that would have been just as beautiful and long-lasting without the exorbitant markups that (yes, even lab) diamonds have, and decided on something together that they’re both happy with… you know, like partners do.”
“But instead, he decided unilaterally to treat her like a child and hand her something that looked like what she wanted and assumed she’d never find out that he essentially scammed her. He purposely deceived her (even if he didn’t say the words ‘this is a diamond’ out loud to her) and that makes him a HUGE a**hole.” – Kathrynlena
“The lying by omission is the key here. So if he cheats on her and doesn’t tell her, I guess it’s ok because he didn’t actually lie? Red flag for the bride.” – T_tessa41
“I wouldn’t consider $2600 a crazy expensive wedding ring. But the lying by omission is what makes you the AH.” – YouretheAH
Others agreed and wondered why the couple didn’t talk about this first.
“I mean, I don’t give a s**t if he spends $10,000 on a ring, or $10. If he doesn’t have the maturity or the respect for his girlfriend to have an actual discussion/argument instead of agreeing in the moment, and then secretly doubling back and bald-faced lying to her, he isn’t ready to get married.”
“Marriages are built on respectfully disagreeing, and working through to get to a compromise. Divorces are built on deceit, contempt and emotional immaturity.” – nachtkaese
“I dunno, I think that judgment applies to both of them… This is a ‘form over substance’ vs. ‘symbolism’ issue. OP seems to think that rings are unimportant, and his fiancee seems to think that they symbolize the value in which he holds her. Regardless of where you stand on this issue, they need to be on the same page before they marry.” – usernaym44
“If you start this marriage with deception and manipulation, you should not be getting married. And 2600 is a very reasonable price for a ring, you egg. She’s thinking about what the ring will stand for and symbolize, not the actual ring itself.”
“Are you always gonna go behind her back to save a penny? Cause that’s the tone you’re setting for the rest of your relationship.” – Dry-Stable2701
A few hoped the OP’s fiancée would leave him after this.
“If I was his (likely ex) fiancee, I’d be getting any jewelry OP has bought for them checked.” – NoApollonia
“He makes an agreement with his GF, goes behind her back and does something else instead, lies to her about it, eventually gets busted, and then acts like he’s the victim and she’s the one who had unreasonable expectations in the first place.”
“I doubt this is the first time he’s acted like this, and it sure won’t be the last. Hope GF wises up. It’s not just about what he wants and what he thinks money should be spent on. It’s her money and her future too.” – Empty-Masterpiece242
“Also, his fiancé will now hate the ring as it will remind her of how he was a cheapskate over something that is an important item emotionally to her. He’s not winning any prizes with this nonsense.” – squirrelfoot
The OP thought that lying about the material of the ring he purchased would solve all his problems, and he later believed his fiancée was acting materialistic because of her reaction to his reasoning, but the subReddit did not agree.
Lying about a major symbol of marriage is a big deal, and presenting a ring that will not last long with day-to-day use? That’s just the topper on the symbolic wedding cake.