Honesty is in the foundation of every good relationship, and future marriages are no exception.
Any conversations concerning money should absolutely be truthful, added the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted his account, had to learn this after being deceptive with his fiancée.
After seeing her reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he handled the situation poorly.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for not buying my girlfriend a diamond ring?"
The OP and his fiancée couldn't agree on a ring.
"My girlfriend and I were talking about getting engaged and I wanted her to be happy with her engagement ring, so I took her to a local jeweler."
"She picked out a $2,600 ring with a lab-grown diamond, which thankfully was cheaper than the real thing. But it was still insanely expensive for a ring."
"We agreed on saving to retire early, but now she wants a crazy expensive ring?!"
"She told me she wants that one since it will be forever, and she doesn't want to settle for a less nice ring."
"I tried to convince her to go for a cheaper ring and she wouldn't go for it."
The OP decided to swap rings anyway.
"I went back to the jeweler, and the lady said they could do one with quartz for $1200 less, so it would be $1400."
"I thought that would be fine, since it was exactly the same."
"I proposed with the quartz ring and she looked super happy and accepted."
"I didn't conceal that it was quartz, but I didn't tell her at the proposal either."
"If she wants to marry me, a ring that looks exactly the same but with a different stone shouldn't be the dealbreaker."
The OP's fiancée didn't appreciate it when she found out.
"Well, she lost some weight this summer and went back to the jeweler to get it refitted and found out from them that it was not a diamond."
"She was super angry and said I lied to her."
"I told her she got the receipt (but it didn't say the ring with diamond) and it was $1400, so did she think it was a diamond at that price?"
"She said I totally overpaid for a quartz ring, and I told her it was because she was pressuring me to get the style she wanted. I had to pay whatever the jeweler wanted for that style of ring, since I couldn't find it elsewhere."
"She has been extremely cold to me the last few days."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was the AH for being deceptive.
"The lie is what makes him the a**hole. Diamonds are bulls**t, and $2,600 is way too much to spend on a ring IMO (for reference, my engagement ring was about $500. It's gorgeous and I absolutely love it,) but he should have talked to her about it."
"They could have discussed alternatives (quartz, moissanite, white sapphire) that would have been just as beautiful and long-lasting without the exorbitant markups that (yes, even lab) diamonds have, and decided on something together that they're both happy with… you know, like partners do."
"But instead, he decided unilaterally to treat her like a child and hand her something that looked like what she wanted and assumed she'd never find out that he essentially scammed her. He purposely deceived her (even if he didn't say the words 'this is a diamond' out loud to her) and that makes him a HUGE a**hole." - Kathrynlena
"The lying by omission is the key here. So if he cheats on her and doesn't tell her, I guess it's ok because he didn't actually lie? Red flag for the bride." - T_tessa41
"I wouldn't consider $2600 a crazy expensive wedding ring. But the lying by omission is what makes you the AH." - YouretheAH
Others agreed and wondered why the couple didn't talk about this first.
"I mean, I don't give a s**t if he spends $10,000 on a ring, or $10. If he doesn't have the maturity or the respect for his girlfriend to have an actual discussion/argument instead of agreeing in the moment, and then secretly doubling back and bald-faced lying to her, he isn't ready to get married."
"Marriages are built on respectfully disagreeing, and working through to get to a compromise. Divorces are built on deceit, contempt and emotional immaturity." - nachtkaese
"I dunno, I think that judgment applies to both of them... This is a 'form over substance' vs. 'symbolism' issue. OP seems to think that rings are unimportant, and his fiancee seems to think that they symbolize the value in which he holds her. Regardless of where you stand on this issue, they need to be on the same page before they marry." - usernaym44
"If you start this marriage with deception and manipulation, you should not be getting married. And 2600 is a very reasonable price for a ring, you egg. She's thinking about what the ring will stand for and symbolize, not the actual ring itself."
"Are you always gonna go behind her back to save a penny? Cause that's the tone you're setting for the rest of your relationship." - Dry-Stable2701
A few hoped the OP's fiancée would leave him after this.
"If I was his (likely ex) fiancee, I'd be getting any jewelry OP has bought for them checked." - NoApollonia
"He makes an agreement with his GF, goes behind her back and does something else instead, lies to her about it, eventually gets busted, and then acts like he's the victim and she's the one who had unreasonable expectations in the first place."
"I doubt this is the first time he's acted like this, and it sure won't be the last. Hope GF wises up. It's not just about what he wants and what he thinks money should be spent on. It's her money and her future too." - Empty-Masterpiece242
"Also, his fiancé will now hate the ring as it will remind her of how he was a cheapskate over something that is an important item emotionally to her. He's not winning any prizes with this nonsense." - squirrelfoot
The OP thought that lying about the material of the ring he purchased would solve all his problems, and he later believed his fiancée was acting materialistic because of her reaction to his reasoning, but the subReddit did not agree.
Lying about a major symbol of marriage is a big deal, and presenting a ring that will not last long with day-to-day use? That's just the topper on the symbolic wedding cake.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.