Students often fight tooth and nail for scholarship money.
Scholarship cash can help a struggling student get a leg up on the college experience.
A lot of people sometimes look at is "free" money.
It is gifted money, but often gifted specifically for educational purposes.
Explaining this to others can be trying.
Redditor Fit_Finger2190 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA? Mom is trying to force me to use the scholarship to buy Grandma a trailer."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Me 19 F[emale], received a full-ride scholarship to a good college in my area, where I currently go to for social work."
"I also received almost 7,000 dollars on top of this for school expenses and living."
"I need money to live on campus over the summer."
"My mom wants to buy my grandma a new trailer with my scholarship money, and says she will pay me back, but I dont trust her."
"The trailer is currently safe to live in, and they will not be kicked out."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole for saying no?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Depending on the terms, that would be fraud, and you could lose your scholarship."
"That is for you alone." ~ thechaoticstorm
"NTA at all!"
"Your mom should not be asking you for this money for any purpose."
"It is your scholarship and living expenses to pursue your degree, and you need to use it for those things only."
"Make sure your bank account is separate from your mother's/grandmother's."
"And in the future, don't tell your mother how much you have received in a scholarship, how much you have in savings, how much you earn when you begin to get paychecks."
"It sounds as though she will consider it up for grabs, as she has in this case."
"Congratulations on your scholarship, and good luck in your studies!" ~ That_Bee_Baker
"Some people with problematic parents will even get accounts at a separate bank so that the accounts aren't linked."
"I actually did this when I moved out, and my parents aren't a problem; the bank just decided to link my new account to my father's business account."
"Neither of us wanted those linked." ~ Cayke_Cooky
"NTA. This isn't free money for you to do what you want. In most cases, you have to sign an agreement to receive a scholarship."
"If you use the money for anything outside the agreement, it would be considered fraud. If they find out, you will lose your scholarship."
"Remove your family from your accounts immediately." ~ Spiritual_Truth_5152
"NTA: If mom can pay you back, she can purchase the trailer on her own."
"Do not endanger your educational and vocational future because your mother sees your scholarship as money for her to spend."
"Does she understand that you will not be receiving cash, but payments made for tuition, housing, books, and lab fees?" ~ Oyster5436
"Get your own account immediately and move that money."
"Do not bet your future on your mom paying back a large sum of money."
"If your relationship is ruined because you don't do as she says, then you need to rethink that relationship. NTA." ~ keesouth
"NTA. Get your mother off your account!"
"Or get a new account and transfer those funds over."
"Only you should have access to your money."
"This scholarship is for your use, not for anyone else."
"Your housing, your tuition, your bills."
"Not Grandma's."
"If your mother can pay you back, then she can pay up front."
"Under no circumstances should you co-mingle money with your mom." ~ Elegant_Bluebird_460
"Think about it: you buy the trailer, get caught, and charged with fraud."
"You'll lose your scholarship and school."
"You won't be getting to study or work in social work anymore."
"Essentially, your life is ruined at 19 years old."
"It's a parent's responsibility to help their child get a good start in life; they should not ask for money that is meant to make their future."
"If this money came from working, then it might be negotiable. NTA." ~ Tepichi
"NTA. You probably need to set up an entirely new account, likely at a different bank, that she has zero access to."
"From everything I've learned, when a kid sets up a bank account with the parent's help, that parent's name is *always* going to be connected to the account, likely as primary owner - even after the kid turns 18."
"So the parent will always have the legal right to pull money out - and there's no recourse."
"Getting a completely new account at the same bank might do the trick - but some people have run into problems with that."
"For example, maybe the parent comes in and tries to withdraw $$ from the old joint account - teller says, 'almost all of the $$ has been withdrawn.'"
"And then the teller notices or realizes that the child has a different account that's not technically connected to the parent, and the teller just *assumes* that the parent should have access to their adult kid's new account (figuring that parents always have their kids' best interests in mind, right?)."
"I think this is likely more common in a small town where everybody knows everybody, so the teller personally knows that Parent and Child are related."
"So, you want to find a new bank, set up a new account, transfer almost all of the money from the old account (but don't quite close it, because that could trigger wrath from your mom), and worry about closing the account afterwards."
"Your mom is almost certainly not good with money, and if she doesn't have $7k to pay right now, and if she doesn't have enough credit to borrow $7k in her own name to buy the trailer, then lending her $7k is a terrible idea."
"She might even have the best intentions to pay you back - but that doesn't mean it'll actually happen."
"And this is the precarious future that you're talking about." ~ sowellfan
"Do not use this money for anything other than the reason it was intended for, as if you do, you might be made to pay it back."
"Your mother should know better than to ask you to do this."
"I would never dream of asking my children to do something like this."
"Don't doubt yourself."
"You must not allow this to happen."
"And congratulations on getting the scholarship!"
"You have done so well!" ~ WildsmithRising
"NTA. Your mom is going to take the money no matter what you say, so get her off your account or move that money to a new account without her name on it." ~ dvnmsm
"Parent of kids your age here."
"OP, do not use the money to buy a trailer or anything else!"
"You do not owe your mom or grandma this money."
"Do not trust your mom with your money."
"She can help and love you, and you love her and grandma… and she can still be bad with money, be wrong for feeling entitled to money for you, and even steal your money out of your account."
"Open an account with your name only, and no access for your mom. Keep your scholarship money in that account."
"I still guide and help my 22-year-old, but I stopped having any access to her bank accounts when she was 16."
"Helping your child grow up is a parental responsibility and doesn't call for favors from you."
"You can help your mom and grandma best by getting your degree, a good job, and developing good money management practices if you own."
"Then offer guidance to your mom so she can make better choices for herself." ~ swillshop
"Your scholarship money is not supposed to be spent on someone else."
"It is supposed to be spent for your own necessary expenses while you are attending school."
"Your scholarship money should not be in an account accessible to someone else either, particularly someone who wants you to use it on something other than your own necessary expenses." ~ LdiJ46
"NTA. This isn't 'selfish,' this is you protecting the first real opportunity you've ever had to build a stable future for yourself."
"A full-ride scholarship plus $7,000 is a once-in-a-lifetime chance — not a yearly holiday gift you can just replace next time."
"Once that money is gone, it's gone, and you don't get another chance at the same level of support."
"Your grandma's current trailer is safe, they aren't being kicked out, and your mom isn't asking you to help in a crisis — she's asking you to give up the funds you literally need to stay housed this summer and continue your education."
"And honestly?"
"If you don't trust that she'll pay you back, you're probably right."
"People who want access to your accounts and treat your school money like community funds usually don't have a good track record of paying others back."
"You don't 'owe' her your future just because she's helped you sometimes."
"Parents helping their kids is normal — it doesn't mean you must sacrifice your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity in return."
"You're allowed to protect your stability."
"You're allowed to say no."
"You're not ruining the family — you're setting a boundary." ~ Rich_Technician_3393
"You do not owe her anything."
"And certainly not your scholarship money."
"The only thing that should be spent on is expenses to get you through school--books, rent, food, tuition--that sort of thing."
"She chose to have a child, and she is responsible for housing, food, clothes, medical care, and schooling while you are a minor."
"After that, you adjust your relationship to be two coequal adults."
"Get her off your bank account immediately."
"Find a good credit union in your area and open up a brand new account, and do not give out your account information to anyone, especially your mother."
"Check your credit to make sure no one has opened credit cards or taken out loans in your name."
"Then freeze your credit."
"If you're telling your mother that your scholarship money can only be used for school ruins your family relationship, then that's on your mother."
"It's a reasonable AND LEGAL boundary to have."
"Also, if she can pay you back for the trailer, she can pay a bank back for the trailer."
"She can get a loan from a bank. NTA." ~ KingBretwald
Reddit has your back, OP.
This is YOUR money.
Don't be bullied or guilted by anybody to spend on anything you don't want to.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp