Mutual respect is an imperative part of any relationship.
When two people love one another, they tend to acknowledge the personal boundaries set by the other person.
When these boundaries are deliberately crossed, it can be very hurtful.
Some partners may be innocent and oblivious, others may just be cruel.
Redditor godofcatnaps wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for finally calling my B[oy]F[riend] out for repeatedly using a slur after I told him not to?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (black female) have been with my boyfriend (white male) for 4+ years.”
“We live together; I’m a student, and he helps me financially by covering part of my rent.”
“Over time, he has called me the N word several times, even though I’ve told him it makes me very uncomfortable.”
“Each time I’ve asked him not to say it, but recently, I finally told him firmly that I was done tolerating it.”
“Instead of stopping, he accused me of being ‘too sensitive’ and said that ‘these issues shouldn’t exist between us.'”
“I don’t understand why, if it’s ‘just a joke’ like he claims, he insists on saying it despite me repeatedly asking him not to.”
“I even asked him whether he feels entitled to say it because he contributes financially.”
“That made him angry — he threatened to stop supporting me.”
“Now things between us are tense.”
“For context, his parents are racist and don’t know about me; my family knows about him.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for finally calling my boyfriend out for repeatedly using a slur after I told him not to?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. It’s not a joke, he’s a racist. Simple as.” ~ Anxious_Reporter_601
“I’m married to a black man, and I still can’t imagine saying that word.”
“I have black children, and the love of my life is black; it would not be okay to disrespect them or the rest of the family I married into that way by using them as an excuse to be racist.”
“If you plan on having kids with him, IMAGINE them growing up with a father who has those kinds of racist tendencies and how he might react if he’s arguing with your kids.”
“It’s clear you already don’t feel comfortable with this, so stick to your gut.” ~ flower_mom_98
“White guy here.”
“Yes, he can still be racist and date you.”
“Especially if he is from a different area and was not raised around black people.”
“Or if you are from a smaller white area, he may not see you as ‘black.'”
“I’ve seen it.”
“Grew up in a small white town with maybe 5 black people in the town.”
“Two sisters who are black grew up with us and dated friends of mine, and the guys were totally racist.”
“They didn’t see them as black because they grew up with us.”
“This was in the north east and not some hillbilly town either.” ~ Mitth-raw-nuruodo50
“Don’t let him dismiss your feelings, and he’s disrespectful.”
“I’m white and I have kids that are half black.”
“I would never say it’s okay for me to say anything racial because my kids are that race SMH.”
“Then his parents are racist, and they don’t know about you, that right there is a big red flag.”
“Then him trying to financially abuse you cause of how you feel is controlling.” ~ Significant_Two_7727
“Bro, just leave him. 🙄”
“Good God.”
“Why bother arguing with his delulu a**.”
“He’s racist.”
“Do I go around saying that because my daughter is part black? Nooooo.”
“Just because you’re associated with a person of colour doesn’t give you the right to their experiences.”
“It’s racist. Periodtt.” ~ alienbby98
“OP, you’re living with a racist who HIDES YOU from his family.”
“You’ve told him your boundary, and he intentionally and continually violates it.”
“By tolerating this for FOUR YEARS, you’re green-lighting his behavior.”
“Is tuition assistance really worth his disrespect?”
“He will never change.”
“You can.”
“NTA. Unless you continue to accept racist behavior at the hands of someone who ‘loves you.'” ~ MizPeachyKeen
“Girrrrrl…! There is never any circumstance in which this is going to be ok – what are you doing??”
“Do you not see that (despite whatever crap he comes up with) this is straight up racist?”
“Plus the fact that you’re hidden from his family… plus the fact that he’s trying to turn it on you…. I mean, how many clues do you need to know that this man is NOT for you?”
“You mention he says he’ll ‘stop supporting you?'”
“What’s going on here?”
“NEVER allow yourself to be in a relationship where all the economic power is with the other person – it makes you ripe for abuse.”
“If this were me, I’d be staying with a friend and waving him goodbye.” ~ MoxieOHara
“Dude. Dump him!”
“However, he is helping you financially is not worth being treated like this.”
“He knows what he’s doing.”
“It’s not just his family that is racist; he is, too.”
“He clearly doesn’t respect you. NTA.”
“But if you stay in this situation, you’d be an a**hole to yourself.” ~ Papyrus72846
“NTA. A friend of mine did call me a pet name that makes me cringe due to the associations it has for me.”
“It is nothing aggressive (think ‘sugarbutt’ kinda style), just makes my skin crawl.”
“Their reaction?”
“‘Whopsy, I’ll stop that,’ and that was the end of it.”
“Your boyfriend, who is supposed to love and care for you, deliberately calls you a slur that is consistently connected to violence and murder.”
“No d**k is worth this risk.”
“The money might be, depending on your situation, but treat things accordingly if so, and plan your escape.” ~ MistressLyda
“NTA. And you mean your ex-boyfriend…right? RIGHT?”
“This man clearly does not respect you enough to NOT CALL YOU RACIST NAMES.”
“This is your future, girl… this is your future.”
“And it will only get worse.” ~ wanderingstorm
“Very much NTA.”
“I can’t fathom what this guy’s mental malfunction must be to think it’s acceptable to call you that, especially after you’ve explicitly told him to stop.”
“The fact that he carries on and acts like you’re the one being unreasonable about it is nuts.” ~ Optimism_Deficit
“I’ve been married to my black husband (I’m white) for 20 years.”
“Not once have I ever used that word.”
“On him. Around him. Or anywhere.”
“He’ll say the word with the a at the end.”
“But I won’t.”
“I don’t like it.”
“I tell him I don’t like it, but it’s not up to me to police him.”
“Since he’s black and I’m not.”
“And I’ve been very angry with him at times.”
“Still never said it.”
“It’s not funny and it’s NOT OK!! I’d be seriously thinking about this relationship.” ~ CheezeLoueez08
“NTA. He needs to chill with that and accept that it makes you feel uncomfortable.”
“If it’s tense, let it be tense, because you need to assert your boundaries on this.” ~ Keely369
“Holy. Hell.”
“His parents are racist, and he has hidden your relationship from them, presumably because they’re racist.”
“Additionally, he threatens you with not supporting you if you don’t let him call you by a racial epithet???”
“Girl, you’re NTA for confronting him, but you need to think of the bigger picture.”
“He is demeaning you with racial slurs because he thinks of you as less than.”
“He views you as powerless and without agency, as evidenced by his threats to cut off any support if you object to his use of racist slurs.”
“You need to find a way out of this relationship with a racist.” ~ imnvs_runvs
“NTA. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to overshare my opinion, but it sounds like he’s kinda fetishized being with a black woman due to some internalized racism, especially with the family stuff added in.”
“If you’re exclusively into white dudes, I can promise you that you’ll find one who won’t fetishize you or use racial slurs.”
“The financial threats make this another level of f**ked up.”
“Especially if you’ve had a heart-to-heart with him about not using slurs.”
“But hiding you from his family is a big red flag.” ~ RotorDingus
“Sis. Please love yourself more.”
“I know it’s hard and you likely think you don’t deserve it, but you do.”
“We date at our level of self-worth.”
“And girl, you tolerating him calling you the N-word not once but multiple times–still tolerating it because you still haven’t left– only shows me how much you hate yourself.”
“And, God, do I know what it is like to hate yourself.”
“It’s taken years of therapy for me to undo it, and even then, it’s easy to fall back into the ways of thinking that can bring me right back to comfortably hating myself (it’s comfortable because it’s natural and what I did for most of my life).”
“Choose you. Love you.”
“At least in this one instance, love yourself.”
“Choose yourself.”
“You deserve so much more than this.”
“ETA: NTA for the question at hand.”
“But YTA, if you don’t choose yourself in this instance and begin to show yourself acts of love even if you don’t feel love for yourself yet.” ~ BeneficialGuidance53
“NTA. I would question why you are still with your boyfriend, that word should never be used in any situation, it is not a word to use jokingly.” ~ CaptH3inzB3anz
“NTA. Raised by racists, keeps you a secret from his racist family, directs racist language at you, ignores your request for him to stop doing so, tells you to just deal with it, or he’ll cut you off financially. Run!” ~ TemptingPenguin369
Reddit is here for you, OP.
Here for you and concerned.
This does not sound healthy.
This is blatant disrespect and racism.
It may be time to pack and run.
It’s ok to put yourself first.