Mutual respect is an imperative part of any relationship.
When two people love one another, they tend to acknowledge the personal boundaries set by the other person.
When these boundaries are deliberately crossed, it can be very hurtful.
Some partners may be innocent and oblivious, others may just be cruel.
Redditor godofcatnaps wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for finally calling my B[oy]F[riend] out for repeatedly using a slur after I told him not to?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (black female) have been with my boyfriend (white male) for 4+ years."
"We live together; I'm a student, and he helps me financially by covering part of my rent."
"Over time, he has called me the N word several times, even though I've told him it makes me very uncomfortable."
"Each time I've asked him not to say it, but recently, I finally told him firmly that I was done tolerating it."
"Instead of stopping, he accused me of being 'too sensitive' and said that 'these issues shouldn't exist between us.'"
"I don't understand why, if it's 'just a joke' like he claims, he insists on saying it despite me repeatedly asking him not to."
"I even asked him whether he feels entitled to say it because he contributes financially."
"That made him angry — he threatened to stop supporting me."
"Now things between us are tense."
"For context, his parents are racist and don't know about me; my family knows about him."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for finally calling my boyfriend out for repeatedly using a slur after I told him not to?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. It's not a joke, he's a racist. Simple as." ~ Anxious_Reporter_601
"I'm married to a black man, and I still can't imagine saying that word."
"I have black children, and the love of my life is black; it would not be okay to disrespect them or the rest of the family I married into that way by using them as an excuse to be racist."
"If you plan on having kids with him, IMAGINE them growing up with a father who has those kinds of racist tendencies and how he might react if he's arguing with your kids."
"It's clear you already don't feel comfortable with this, so stick to your gut." ~ flower_mom_98
"White guy here."
"Yes, he can still be racist and date you."
"Especially if he is from a different area and was not raised around black people."
"Or if you are from a smaller white area, he may not see you as 'black.'"
"I've seen it."
"Grew up in a small white town with maybe 5 black people in the town."
"Two sisters who are black grew up with us and dated friends of mine, and the guys were totally racist."
"They didn't see them as black because they grew up with us."
"This was in the north east and not some hillbilly town either." ~ Mitth-raw-nuruodo50
"Don't let him dismiss your feelings, and he's disrespectful."
"I'm white and I have kids that are half black."
"I would never say it's okay for me to say anything racial because my kids are that race SMH."
"Then his parents are racist, and they don't know about you, that right there is a big red flag."
"Then him trying to financially abuse you cause of how you feel is controlling." ~ Significant_Two_7727
"Bro, just leave him. 🙄"
"Good God."
"Why bother arguing with his delulu a**."
"He's racist."
"Do I go around saying that because my daughter is part black? Nooooo."
"Just because you're associated with a person of colour doesn't give you the right to their experiences."
"It's racist. Periodtt." ~ alienbby98
"OP, you're living with a racist who HIDES YOU from his family."
"You've told him your boundary, and he intentionally and continually violates it."
"By tolerating this for FOUR YEARS, you're green-lighting his behavior."
"Is tuition assistance really worth his disrespect?"
"He will never change."
"You can."
"NTA. Unless you continue to accept racist behavior at the hands of someone who 'loves you.'" ~ MizPeachyKeen
"Girrrrrl…! There is never any circumstance in which this is going to be ok - what are you doing??"
"Do you not see that (despite whatever crap he comes up with) this is straight up racist?"
"Plus the fact that you're hidden from his family… plus the fact that he's trying to turn it on you…. I mean, how many clues do you need to know that this man is NOT for you?"
"You mention he says he'll 'stop supporting you?'"
"What's going on here?"
"NEVER allow yourself to be in a relationship where all the economic power is with the other person - it makes you ripe for abuse."
"If this were me, I'd be staying with a friend and waving him goodbye." ~ MoxieOHara
"Dude. Dump him!"
"However, he is helping you financially is not worth being treated like this."
"He knows what he's doing."
"It's not just his family that is racist; he is, too."
"He clearly doesn't respect you. NTA."
"But if you stay in this situation, you'd be an a**hole to yourself." ~ Papyrus72846
"NTA. A friend of mine did call me a pet name that makes me cringe due to the associations it has for me."
"It is nothing aggressive (think 'sugarbutt' kinda style), just makes my skin crawl."
"Their reaction?"
"'Whopsy, I'll stop that,' and that was the end of it."
"Your boyfriend, who is supposed to love and care for you, deliberately calls you a slur that is consistently connected to violence and murder."
"No d**k is worth this risk."
"The money might be, depending on your situation, but treat things accordingly if so, and plan your escape." ~ MistressLyda
"NTA. And you mean your ex-boyfriend...right? RIGHT?"
"This man clearly does not respect you enough to NOT CALL YOU RACIST NAMES."
"This is your future, girl... this is your future."
"And it will only get worse." ~ wanderingstorm
"Very much NTA."
"I can't fathom what this guy's mental malfunction must be to think it's acceptable to call you that, especially after you've explicitly told him to stop."
"The fact that he carries on and acts like you're the one being unreasonable about it is nuts." ~ Optimism_Deficit
"I've been married to my black husband (I'm white) for 20 years."
"Not once have I ever used that word."
"On him. Around him. Or anywhere."
"He'll say the word with the a at the end."
"But I won't."
"I don't like it."
"I tell him I don't like it, but it's not up to me to police him."
"Since he's black and I'm not."
"And I've been very angry with him at times."
"Still never said it."
"It's not funny and it's NOT OK!! I'd be seriously thinking about this relationship." ~ CheezeLoueez08
"NTA. He needs to chill with that and accept that it makes you feel uncomfortable."
"If it's tense, let it be tense, because you need to assert your boundaries on this." ~ Keely369
"Holy. Hell."
"His parents are racist, and he has hidden your relationship from them, presumably because they're racist."
"Additionally, he threatens you with not supporting you if you don't let him call you by a racial epithet???"
"Girl, you're NTA for confronting him, but you need to think of the bigger picture."
"He is demeaning you with racial slurs because he thinks of you as less than."
"He views you as powerless and without agency, as evidenced by his threats to cut off any support if you object to his use of racist slurs."
"You need to find a way out of this relationship with a racist." ~ imnvs_runvs
"NTA. I'm sorry, I don't mean to overshare my opinion, but it sounds like he's kinda fetishized being with a black woman due to some internalized racism, especially with the family stuff added in."
"If you're exclusively into white dudes, I can promise you that you'll find one who won't fetishize you or use racial slurs."
"The financial threats make this another level of f**ked up."
"Especially if you've had a heart-to-heart with him about not using slurs."
"But hiding you from his family is a big red flag." ~ RotorDingus
"Sis. Please love yourself more."
"I know it's hard and you likely think you don't deserve it, but you do."
"We date at our level of self-worth."
"And girl, you tolerating him calling you the N-word not once but multiple times--still tolerating it because you still haven't left-- only shows me how much you hate yourself."
"And, God, do I know what it is like to hate yourself."
"It's taken years of therapy for me to undo it, and even then, it's easy to fall back into the ways of thinking that can bring me right back to comfortably hating myself (it's comfortable because it's natural and what I did for most of my life)."
"Choose you. Love you."
"At least in this one instance, love yourself."
"Choose yourself."
"You deserve so much more than this."
"ETA: NTA for the question at hand."
"But YTA, if you don't choose yourself in this instance and begin to show yourself acts of love even if you don't feel love for yourself yet." ~ BeneficialGuidance53
"NTA. I would question why you are still with your boyfriend, that word should never be used in any situation, it is not a word to use jokingly." ~ CaptH3inzB3anz
"NTA. Raised by racists, keeps you a secret from his racist family, directs racist language at you, ignores your request for him to stop doing so, tells you to just deal with it, or he'll cut you off financially. Run!" ~ TemptingPenguin369
Reddit is here for you, OP.
Here for you and concerned.
This does not sound healthy.
This is blatant disrespect and racism.
It may be time to pack and run.
It's ok to put yourself first.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp