Everyone in the world is being followed these days.
People’s phones are trackers.
And everything people do on the internet is recorded.
But does that mean we should let our spouse track our every move?
Is it suspicious if you won’t agree to that?
Redditor Regamerslive wanted to discuss his experience and get feedback, so he naturally joined the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for turning off Locator”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I 38 M[ale] just got a new iPhone and my wife 37 F[emale] helped to set it up.”
“It’s my first iPhone and she has had one for a while, and I thought she would have the best knowledge to ensure that everything is set up properly.”
While going through the settings later, I noticed the phone locator was on, and I turned it off because I work in IT security and don’t like anyone knowing where I am.
“My wife and I have been married 16 years.”
“I am the sole breadwinner of the house, and I work 3 jobs to do so.”
“She is the primary admin in our house’s accounts.”
“Google, Amazon, Shared bank account, credit card, you name it and she is the top admin while I sit in secondary roles.”
“Anytime I use these accounts there is a notification sent to her telling her what I do.”
“She gets pictures I take in my phone sent to Google Photos.”
“She is in my email reading personal messages for me.”
“She scolds me for getting lunch at McDonald’s while she pays for lunch for her and her friend.”
“One day I got a text that reads ‘I know YOU didn’t turn off your phone locator’ I realized that my wife was trying to see where I was.”
“I then realized my phone was now linked to her, and there is another form of security I’m being scrutinized under.”
“I told her that I am not turning it back on because it’s wrong that I am watched this much, and she looks at everything I do as a sign of me cheating on her.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for wanting some privacy in my marriage even from my wife?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
“NTA. Some big ole’ red flags here. Reading your emails, looking at your photos, checking where your lunch is?”
“If you were 10, I’d understand.”
“But you’re being infantilized.”
“The bigger issue by far is the argument that if you don’t let her do this you’re cheating.”
“Is this projection?”
“As you work in IT Security, you should be more than capable of setting up your own Google account, changing email passwords, or setting up new ones.”
“Amazon is not a major privacy issue compared to the others.”
“And it might be time for a ‘come to Jesus’ talk… either therapy for the lack of trust and privacy or, well, it might be time to re-evaluate the marriage. Sorry.”
“There’s no relationship without trust.”
“Either you’re trusted, or you’re not.” ~ FabulousTrick8859
“NTA. I am a middle-aged Gen Xer who LOATHES the location-sharing apps.”
“I have a kid in university and hell will freeze over before I will install Life360 on my Android.”
“I don’t even go anywhere I don’t want folks to know about anymore.”
“You are likely going to need marital counseling for this issue due to your wife’s enmeshment and control issues.”
“I personally would die on this hill, but to each their own.” ~ caillousaysbyebye
“Also Gen X, with teen and tween kids.”
“I freaked out when my ex-husband installed Life360 on our oldest’s phone and he inadvertently revealed he knew exactly where we were.”
“I got her an iPhone which is linked to mine so that I can control downtime and what apps are installed whilst she’s a minor, but Find My iPhone is only for when she literally cannot find the thing!”
“I operate on ‘I trust her until she gives me a reason not to,’ and if that happens she knows I reserve the right to ask her to hand it over so I can see what’s going on.”
“Hasn’t happened in quite a few months.”
“They don’t need to be followed everywhere.”
“I told her to turn off the location on Snapchat because it’s creepy when people can track you.” ~ leftmysoulthere74
“Why are you working three jobs?”
“Unless your wife is physically or mentally incapable of working, she should get a job so you could quit one of yours.”
“This isn’t fair to you.”
“I used to work three jobs too, and I ended up in the hospital as a result. NTA.” ~ ComprehensiveBand586
“Too many other red flags besides the phone locator.”
“If you feel you want to continue with the marriage, NOW is your opportunity to completely change how things are going.”
“Sit her down, and kindly, but firmly, advise her that this s..t is over, and she can change her attitude or change her address.”
“Just my opinion.” ~ Lower-Patient-7187
“NTA but this does not sound like a healthy relationship OP.” ~ 0biterdicta
“My husband and I have the locator on by common consent.”
“It is used for things like I went out of state and drove alone, he could track me if anything went wrong.”
“He was coming home in heavy traffic, I could make sure dinner was cooked not overcooked or cold.”
“She turned it on without your consent, you are NTA.” ~ EMAGS1
“NTA and your wife sounds terrible.”
“Why would you work 3 jobs?”
“If you don’t make enough to support the family, have her get a job.”
“I’d take over all the finances ASAP if my wife criticized my purchases.”
“Once you do get your spine to work, she might start to respect you, but she’ll definitely resist.”
“Get ready for threats, crying, gaslighting, manipulation, and the kitchen sink.” ~ Intelligent_Sir6358
“NTA and you work 3 jobs 😳😳 why on earth does she need to know where you are at all times, your wife can wind her neck in.” ~ Kukka63
“NTA, but you need to be careful letting her have so much control over your life.”
“Also you might want to look into WHY she thinks you’re constantly cheating.”
“Usually, people with a guilty conscience think everyone else is doing the same thing as them.” ~ Fried_Wontton
“NTA. As an outsider to your marriage, what you are describing sounds controlling as hell.”
“I don’t know if your wife has a past history of being cheated on or a childhood trauma of watching a parent be cheated on and hasn’t dealt with her issues and is instead taking them out on you.”
“Or if you have cheated in the past, and this is a condition of your marriage continuing, and you didn’t mention those details.”
“Or if your wife is simply an abuser and wants to fully control every aspect of your life.”
“I do recommend marriage counseling regardless, though. It seems like she wants a level of access to your life that you are feeling is invasive.”
“You have set a non-verbal boundary, and she got very upset.”
“The most adult way of dealing with that would be with a marriage counselor.”
“Maybe you used to be ok with it and now aren’t or maybe you were never ok with it and have just reached a level of frustration you could no longer tolerate it.”
“Either way, the dynamic has changed and needs to be discussed verbally and in an appropriate manner.” ~ mischiefableguin
“Keep it turned off so that she does not know you are seeing a divorce lawyer.”
“Run. Run very fast and get out of the situation.”
“I suspect she is also milking you dry and planning to divorce you in the future anyway.”
“You could start by telling her you want to remove from all that scrutiny.”
“And see what happens unless she lets you have equal access to everything she does.” ~ shasta59
“This is the hill to die on.”
“My hubby travels for work, we have ring cameras all over the outside of the house.”
“I’m good with that, it means evidence should s**t happen.”
“However I said no damn way on cameras all over the inside of the house because he already does too much with the outside ones.”
“No conversations with friends or family can occur in camera/sound view and him not comment over the speaker or just listen in.”
“I have had to hush friends that have come for venting because it isn’t private outside.”
“I have to sleep the cameras on the back porch to have a fun tea and conversation with friends (a monthly occurrence) he wanted them in the house so he could ‘check’ on me.”
“For safety.”
“And I know he actually means that.”
“That it isn’t some nefarious reason. However no, I don’t want anyone watching me as I do my day-to-day routine.”
“The idea of always being on camera creeps me out.”
“So no, she doesn’t need to know where you are 24/7. That’s doing too much. NTA.” ~ aspidistraeliator
“NTA but why have you tolerated her having total access to all parts of your life?”
“My guess is she has also figured out how to see your text messages as well.” ~ nemc222
“NTA. You work in IT.”
“Your wife should understand you’re under scrutiny all day long.”
“And if she can’t trust you, then it sounds like it’s ripe for couples counseling.” ~ Srvntgrrl_789
“NTA, of course.”
“You deserve a level of privacy you are comfortable with.”
“Your wife clearly uses her root privilege to try to control you and that’s bulls**t.”
“I allow my wife to see everything I do because she doesn’t try to use that access to control me (and I don’t do much of note to make her act funny about my activities).”
“If she did, I’d pare that back.”
“Boundaries are good and healthy, especially in a marriage.”
“It’s probably too late to do that now, but you might want to if this bothers you.” ~ Forsaken-Sink3345
“What did I just read?”
“Get her butt back in the workforce, and projection is strong in this one.”
“Why are you working 3 jobs?”
“NTA, but man, cowboy up or something. I’m trying not to be mean, but dude, you need to get some metal on that spine at some point.” ~ noletex107
“NTA and your wife have way too much open access to what should be private.”
“This doesn’t sound healthy in the slightest.”
“I was in a similar position once, and later on, I realized how wild it was to allow them so much access.”
“I also took a long time to find out exactly how much they had been exploiting that information.” ~ National_Frame2917
Reddit is with you, OP.
You have a right to your privacy.
It could be time for some couple’s counseling.
Stand your ground.
Good luck.