Someone with a hoarding disorder—often referred to as a hoarder—is characterized by the compulsive accumulation of possessions, often with little or no use or value, and an inability to discard them, leading to clutter and difficulty in daily functioning.
While clutter is simply a mess, hoarding involves a compulsive and irrational retention of items, often to the point where the environment becomes uninhabitable.
Hoarding is usually comorbid with clinical depression.
A woman, unsure how to deal with her fiancé’s hoarder mom, turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Shoddy_Recording_535 asked:
“WIBTA for refusing to let my fiancé take our cat when we move?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My fiancé (28, male) and I (26, female) have been together for five years, living together for the last 2.5.”
“Our relationship has become an emotional dead zone—we haven’t been affectionate or intimate in a long time, and our home is a complete disaster because, honestly, we just weren’t ready to be on our own.”
“We’ve both been struggling with our mental health, so we’ve decided to move back in with our parents, live separately for a while, and work on ourselves while still staying together.”
“We are both neurodivergent. Both Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and he has Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and I have anger issues. I’m more mature than him. He was sheltered.”
“If I had been on my own, I think I would have been OK, but as my mom puts it ‘you only had enough adult in you for yourself so sharing it with him caused the problems’. We didn’t think I could have afforded to be alone at the time, but hindsight.”
“Thankfully, we have the option to go home and work on our demons.”
“We have two cats: Mocha (2, female) and Coffee Bean (1.5, male). Coffee is bonded to me, while Mocha is attached to my fiancé.”
“They’re not bonded, but they do get along very well. I thought about that too, but when I have taken Coffee to spend the night at my mom’s, they didn’t show like separation anxiety.”
“Mocha was my first-ever pet because every pet I had growing up technically belonged to my mom. Mocha was also my fiancé’s first pet since his parents were allergic—mostly his deceased mother, she was really allergic. His mom (still alive) is mildly allergic. Mom and mother, yes, his parents were two women.”
“Mother, who had dementia, has passed; his mom is healthy but struggling.”
“We both love Mocha deeply, but I don’t feel comfortable letting him take her when we move.”
“Here’s why:”
“His mom’s house is filthy, so is his bedroom and the dining room. When his late mother was diagnosed with dementia, his mom had to take care of her and the house has fallen into complete disarray.”
“She hasn’t been able to get it back on track since her passing. His room is the worst of it. He goes over daily to clean, but according to him, the place is knee-deep in garbage, rotting food, spiders, and cockroaches.”
“He’s gone every day for 2 weeks, and he says he’s making progress. I have never seen his house or his room, so I don’t know if it’s true, but I can only go off what he and his mom and sister say.”
“Not only does he not think he can get it done by the end of the month when our 30-day notice is up and needs me to hold on to her while he finishes his room, but she won’t be able to roam the house freely and will be trapped in his room.”
“I cannot in good conscience send Mocha into that environment.”
“He gets overwhelmed by Mocha wanting attention. When she wants to play or cuddle at a time he isn’t in the mood, he gets frustrated, yells at her, and brings her to me with her toy.”
“She’ll run back to him because she loves him, but instead of engaging, he just gets more frustrated. When she begs for food, he goes into meltdown mode instead of just handling it like I do.”
“He has to lock her out of the gaming room to eat sometimes.”
“Meanwhile, I don’t have this issue with the cats. If they beg, I give them a tiny treat, and they move on.
“When Coffee Bean gets pushy, I play with him for five minutes, and then he chills. I call him my ‘naughty snuggle buggle’ while throwing his favorite toy, and once he’s gotten his energy out, I can go back to whatever I was doing.”
“The complication:”
“Technically, both cats are legally mine. Their Banfield memberships and microchips are in my name.”
“I don’t want to hurt my fiancé, and I know he loves Mocha, but I genuinely don’t think she will be safe or happy at his mom’s house. When I brought this up, he got upset, and we had a fight.”
“Would I be the a**hole if I refused to let him take Mocha?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“My action: Taking both cats when we agreed to each take one.”
“Why: He loves Mocha, and taking her will hurt him. That’s what makes me an a**hole, but she won’t be happy or healthy living with him.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You have given really good reasons why a cat would not be safe with him. You need to do what is best for the cat, and we all know what that is. Keep her.” ~ slinkimalinki
“NTA. It isn’t humane or safe for the cats to live in a hoarder’s house. You’re also not breaking up with your fiancé, so it’s not like he can’t come over to visit the cats.”
“If your fiancé has trouble accepting this, (which I think would only happen if he’s incredibly stupid/selfish) have him look into the fates of pets living in hoarding situations.”
“Best of luck in working on improving your mental health and your relationship with your fiancé!” ~ alidoubleyoo
“NTA. How will the cats react to being separated is the most important question. Their safety in the new place is also important.”
“I would move both cats to a safe place until your fiancé moves out since he can’t just take Mocha with him.” ~ here4cmmts
“NTA. He wants you to take Mocha until he gets a space cleaned to keep her in. In my experience with my kids:”
“The clean up never happens.”
“They realize they can’t afford to feed or take the pet to a vet and realize how much of a pet commitment they don’t want.”
“So me temporarily keeping the pet just means the pet will be mine if I don’t rehome it. I’m pretty sure your partner probably won’t ask for the cat back.”
“If they do, at that time, point out all the issues you shared here.”
“Got to say though, I’m pretty sure your partner asking you to take the cat was them trying to slip the leash of responsibility without making themself look bad. Because splitting the pets based on who the pet is most bonded to is the obvious solution, but they don’t want to look bad.” ~ becoming_maxine
“NTA. I think your partner having terrible mental health and moving into a hoarder house is already an awful idea, he’s not going to get better by living in that.”
“That’s quite apart from everything with Mocha. I 1000% think you’re in the right here, he sounds like he can barely stand to be around her when she isn’t quiet and non-annoying as it is.”
“What is he going to do when she’s annoying and he can’t palm her off on you?”
“It would be cruel to take her into such an unsafe environment. If fiancé/his mum can’t look after themselves, how are they going to look after a ‘needy’ and ‘annoying’ cat?”
“Also, you mention that he didn’t have pets as a kid because of parental allergies, was that just on his late mum’s part? Is the mum that he’s moving in with OK around animals?” ~ Fiigwort
“NTA. Beyond the probably awful living conditions Mocha could be subjected to with the move, the cats are a bonded pair and it’s a sh*tty thing to separate them.” ~ stringrandom
“NTA. They are legally yours, the fiancé’s house is unfit, and your fiancé isn’t healthy or willing enough to see to the cat’s mental and emotional needs.”
“The fiancé shouldn’t even want to bring an animal to such a woefully harmful environment. You keep both cats—end of story.” ~ Hermit-Cookie0923
“NTA, if what you’re saying is all true, the cat will be safer and happier with you, even being bonded to your fiancé. And you’re ‘staying together’ anyway, so it’s not like he’ll never see her again!”
“Cats in hoarder houses usually don’t fair well, and I understand it’s not your fiancé that’s the hoarder, but it sounds like an awful situation that could be physically harmful to the cat.” ~ cinnamongirl73
“NTA. That is not a safe environment for the cat, both physically (the horrible conditions—which cannot be good for the cat’s immune system—and being trapped in a single room!) and because of your fiancé’s issues with how they behave towards the cat.”
“No matter what, your fiancé shouldn’t be yelling at the poor cat over something like this, never mind doing so fairly frequently! Like, if a cat is about to do something dangerous, sure, you might have to yell to get their attention and deter them while you run to get them out of the situation.”
“But it is pretty damn inexcusable for your fiancé to be yelling at the cat because it wants to cuddle, etc, and he feels frustrated. It’s deeply inappropriate, and pretty damn mean, to be yelling at a cat out of annoyance.”
“I get feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I’m autistic, and sometimes things like that can absolutely feel overwhelming! But it’s still his responsibility to try to make sure that the way he reacts to his frustration and overwhelmedness isn’t hurting others.”
“It’s his responsibility to try to find solutions, to work on halting his shouting, to take himself out of the situation, to look for ways and try things that make it less likely he’ll be negatively impacting others. Especially when those others include pets, who he has a duty to protect, including from himself.”
“Even when our issues aren’t our fault, they absolutely are our responsibility, which means that it’s our responsibility to actively work to reduce the harm to others. Including cats.”
“He needs to actively work on coming up with alternatives and solutions. But absolutely not just freaking yelling at the poor cat then bringing it to you. That’s not acceptable. If that’s the status quo, it shouldn’t be.”
“Like he can’t be freaking out at the cat over it begging for food. That’s not fair to the cat.”
“There are options: work on training the cat not to beg, or eat where the cat can’t access it, etc…, but most importantly I really, really think he needs to work on acknowledging that he can’t loose his frustration the way he is.”
“He might not have a lot of control over it but he has some, and it’s his responsibility to build that control, redirect his emotions, etc etc, so it isn’t hurting people (or cats).”
“Anyway. NTA. Frankly, I don’t like the idea that he has such strong reactions to the cat, to the point that he is locking the cat out of rooms, when he is planning to go to his mom’s and keep the cat in a single room.”
“Where it’s absolutely going to rely on him for affection, entertainment, and basically is going to probably frustrate him more than ever. I don’t like that his reaction to frustration is to yell at it, and I worry that this reaction could be increased within the potential environment.”
“He loves the cat (as do you, of course!), and part of love is sacrifice. It’s not at all healthy for that cat to go with him. It actively endangers the cat. And he needs to put the cat’s needs first.” ~ TheBumblingestBee
Reddit was very clear in their response.
Mocha needs to live in a safe environment. Right now, that is not with the OP’s fiancé.