Personal accountability refers to the acceptance of responsibility by a person for their own words or actions.
Some people never learn what accountability is, often because they have never experienced consequences.
A mother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after trying go hold her daughter accountable.
Worldly-throwaw-4244 asked:
"AITA 'being cruel' for telling my daughter that she will need to help pay back the money that I spent on her wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My daughter was supposed to get married in about 4 months. I learned earlier this week that the wedding is off and it has been off for about a month now and I just learned about it."
"In short, he (her fiancé) learned that my daughter was cheating on him early into the relationship and called it off."
"I, her mother, personally have given her money for the wedding under some conditions. it was not a gift. The main condition was to have a venue that was accessible for people with disabilities."
"So I put down the money for the venue."
"Anyways, the wedding is canceled and the venue doesn't do refunds. She has already told them she will not need the time slot and nothing will happen that day."
"It's in the contract, it has to be six months out for a cancellation to get any refund. The wedding was suppose to be in 4. She just informed the venue of it being cancelled, so no way I am getting any refund."
"The contract was very clear, there website was very clear, before I paid they were very clear. I'm not going to get money back and I still need to pay (which I already paid for most of it)."
"It was very, very clear."
"It's in the contract. No selling the date back to the venue or an outside party.
"The best we got was the refund for the food."
"So I still need to pay the venue, they are not giving me any money back and are holding the price."
"I called her and told her that I need help to pay for the venue. That since the wedding won't happen, I need her to pay me back some."
"We had a huge argument and she called me cruel for doing this. I pointed out the wedding would have happened if she didn't cheat on the man and that this wasn't a gift at all."
"She's pissed and I am out like $10k…"
"The way this venue works is that it has to be paid in full by the wedding date. It is in the contract. Most people just take out a loan and pay it off at once."
Multiple venues we looked at had this policy and didn't offer payment plans after the wedding date. It is almost paid in full."
"We are past the refund date in the contract. They only allow refund at six months. It was very clear you would be expected to pay in full if you tried to get out of it after six months."
"We wouldn't be here if it weren't my own daughter's actions."
"I'm much more pissed about her than a business making sure they get their money."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"AITA for being cruel for asking my daughter to pay back some of the money I spent on her wedding? I could be a d*ck for even asking, even though she is the reason the wedding is off."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA), although most focused on offering advice for getting money from the venue instead of the OP's question.
"NTA. Your daughter cheated. She ruined her future wedding. That's on her. If there were conditions to the money you were giving to your daughter, then yes, she needs to pay you back."
"Save any and all texts, emails, or voicemail where your daughter acknowledges that there were conditions to the money and also of her cheating, which nullified your financial help. That way, you can try to take her to court to recoup your costs."
"As to the venue, what kind of predatory contract did you sign? There is usually a cancellation deadline, which is at least 30 days, sometimes more, before the date, and you will receive a refund. I suggest you read the contract you signed when you made the deposit."
"I have never heard of a venue that can charge you for the entire fee if you cancel. You'll also want to make sure your money wasn't refunded to your daughter if the venue contract wasn't in your name and was in hers." ~ Blossom74s
"NTA. Yeah, this is all on her, her cheating, and her dishonesty."
"I am going to call you out on expecting a clearly dishonorable person, regardless of being your daughter, to act in an appropriate manner. Granted, that doesn't make you an AH. Perhaps naive."
"Don't expect to ever get the money back." ~ GreekAmericanDom
"NTA. She cheated and caused the demise of the relationship, costing you a significant sum of money."
"I would review some laws in your state and the contract that you signed. Most venues do not require payment in full after cancellation, but will not refund deposits. It is unlikely that you should have to finish paying the venue." ~ JGalKnit
"Yeah, it's weird she put down a deposit but has to still pay the full amount even though it's cancelled. Isn't that the entire point of a deposit?" ~ Due-Talk-7873
"Honestly, it depends on the outline of the payment. I have looked at venues with payment in full due within 6 months of the event, some with final amount due 2 months out, so I guess it depends on the terms of the contract signed."
"I know that I wouldn't have done one like this, but OP mentioned needing the options this venue provided." ~ JGalKnit
"Every venue I toured had a very specific pay schedule. It was something like 12 months of cancellation could get full money back minus deposit, 6 months out was half back, and 3 months was payment due in full. Requiring full payment at 4 months out is not unheard of in my experience." ~ Absurdity42
"NTA. You were paying for the venue for her wedding. Her actions caused the cancellation of her wedding, in essence breaking her agreement with you just like she did with her fiancé and any of the venues she signed contracts with."
"Her end of the agreement with you was to get married. She's not doing that."
"As for all of the people here in the comments obsessed with advising you on getting out of your agreement with the venue, they need to work on their reading comprehension. You've been very clear that you knew all of the terms and conditions in advance and signed the contract."
"You honoring that is a sign of your integrity. So, are you trying to make your child understand accountability? Taking the venue to court or refusing to pay them doesn't serve that purpose."
"You're modeling the idea that if you sign an agreement and the other party upholds their part, you honor it. What's happening isn't the venue's fault nor their problem."
"You're modeling the idea that if you make a promise, you keep it. Your daughter not keeping her promise to her fiancé is why you're in this mess. She needs to learn that lesson, and asking her to repay you instead of you and the venue suing each other is making her take accountability for her choice to cheat."
"I think that's a more valuable lesson than teaching her how to get out of a contract." ~ MohawMais
"Yeah, totally NTA, and 10K isn't a small sum that you could 'close your eyes' on, especially since it was her fault in the first place..." ~ drafthard
"NTA, if the funds were given with conditions and the conditions weren't met, daughter owes. Also, there's the whole month of not knowing, if the venue knew a month ago, they may have re-booked the date and been able to return a portion of the deposit."
"Daughter needs to realize decisions have consequences." ~ Plastic-Chest67
"NTA. Consider texting her 'You didn't tell us for a month. You cost us $10k because you cheated on your fiancé.' But that depends on your other conditions. If she didn't violate them, then she should at least pay half." ~ julesk
"NTA. This is another consequence of her actions. But even if her actions were not the cause of the cancellation you were clear the money was not a gift."
"I personally would be asking her to pay ALL of the cost. You're at least being nice enough to only ask for part."
"A lesson for anyone coming here who intends to marry in future, wedding insurance is a thing, it's not only for this kind of situation." ~ wanderingstorm
"NTA, you are well in your rights to ask for this back and sounds like she won't be spending money elsewhere for other wedding costs, so no reason you should shoulder this." ~ Scav_Construction
"If she doesn't pay you back, tell her it's her inheritance. She gets nothing else." ~ MogwaiPuppy
"NTA- she's suffering from the consequences of her actions, and she doesn't seem to be the kind of person who takes accountability. And also you made it clear that it was not a gift so i feel like it's expected on her part. You reap what you sow." ~ itchybollz
OP may never get any money from her daughter, but she's made it clear she expects her to be accountable for her actions. Whether the daughter learns that lesson depends on the daughter.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp