It’s no secret that when a person becomes a parent, their life will suddenly be busier than it was.
It will certainly be harder to travel and go to events than it was before, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Zzzseafhka was really looking forward to the surprise trip her husband had offered to arrange for them.
But when she saw what her husband had actually arranged, the Original Poster (OP) was immediately upset that her dream of traveling to France had been ruined.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for paying for a more expensive suite because I hated my husband’s surprise?”
The OP missed her traveling days before having children.
“Me (40 Female) and my husband Sam (43 Male) have 3 kids.”
“After the birth of my youngest son, Sam and I almost never went on a romantic trip alone, as it was very difficult to reconcile for several reasons.”
“When my youngest son turned 18 and moved because of college, I was very excited, because we always agreed to go to France to stay in a wonderful hotel and a fancy room, because it was my dream and with 3 children, I couldn’t do it totally.”
The OP was pleased when her husband offered to arrange a trip for them.
“My husband then asked to make a surprise, he would run after everything (booking restaurants, booking a hotel, plane ticket), but I told him which hotel I wanted to stay in and the type of room, as it was always my dream trip with him.”
“We have an excellent financial condition, so we could easily pay for it.”
“We arrived at the hotel, he spoke to the receptionist, and we went to the room.”
“I was in shock when I found my children and both of our mothers waiting for us.”
“My excitement went downhill from there, and honestly, I couldn’t hide it, because it wasn’t what I imagined it to be.”
“It got worse when he said that, because there were too many people to pay for, he got cheaper rooms and said that our son would sleep with us because it was cheaper.”
“I tried to keep up appearances, but I gave my husband that look.”
The OP decided to do something for herself on the trip.
“When I could, I went to the receptionist and asked for a better room for me (I paid with my service bonus which is something my husband and I don’t share, agreed between us).”
“My husband was super annoyed, saying that this was a rude thing to do and that he wanted to have family time but couldn’t afford something more expensive.”
“In addition to having reacted badly to his surprise, it would be everyone’s first time and he wanted to give this moment for the first time at the same time to everyone.”
“He didn’t even want to go to my room.”
The trip didn’t go well overall.
“I loved visiting all the places but having the presence of 5 more people… It was extremely discouraging.”
“I love my children, my mother, and my mother-in-law, but it was my dream to have a romantic trip for two.”
“It is worth saying, every year (except for the pandemic) we travel to another country (we have never been to France).”
“The trip was ok, but my husband and I were obviously not doing very well.”
“When we got home, he said my attitude of paying for a more expensive suite was childish (and make everyone uncomfortable) and that my discouragement spoiled our trip.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some found the OP’s husband to be the problem, not the OP.
“NTA. Your husband knew exactly what trip you were expecting. He knew what hotel and room you were expecting.”
“He decided to change it and was upset when you weren’t okay with him unilaterally changing the plans.”
“I’m sure his logic was, we do a family trip someplace every year, so this should be that trip, why wouldn’t it be?”
“But if he wanted that to be that logic, it needed to not be a surprise. It needed to be a discussion. Because he knew that you guys had waited to do this trip until there were no kids left in the house.”
“His attitude of thinking you had spoiled the trip when he was the one who had is a problem.” – rak1882
“NTA SO HARD, OP.”
“He KNEW what this trip meant to you. He KNEW you wanted to have a romantic trip to France with him. He INSISTED HE handle the planning and arrangements JUST so he could make sure that a romantic trip didn’t happen and that it became a FAMILY vacation instead. WHY?”
“You would think he would be excited by getting to have a special time with you one on one now that the nest is essentially empty, instead he avoided it at all costs. That’s concerning.” – Mental-Woodpecker300
“He’s going to surprise you with exactly what you said you wanted and what he said you were going to be doing?? He was not ‘surprising’ you. He was making it so you could not argue.” – amygoodman03
“‘Surprises’ seem to always be more about the surpriser than the surprisee. Most of us would much prefer a congenial planned event than a botched surprise, and it gets heavy trying to look delighted for the sake of the surpriser.” – DatabaseMonkey3435
“Him wanting to surprise her is sweet. Him wanting to do a whole family trip after the pandemic is also very sweet.”
“Him ruining her much-anticipated and long-awaited romantic trip to France to do those things was a major AH move. He didn’t even manage to book the two of them a private room!” – Artistic-Baseball-81
Others wondered if the husband was hiding tough feelings behind a trip.
“They haven’t had romantic time for the two of them in decades. Feelings change.”
“He may be uncomfortable with the idea of a romantic trip; he may be uncomfortable with the idea of being an empty nester.”
“There’s clearly SOMETHING going on that he’s been using his kids to hide, and the appropriate thing to do would be to talk about it. He opted to continue hiding.”
“After so long without doing anything just as a couple, his feelings are understandable. I could see some apprehension, at least.”
“But completely undermining OP’s trip in secret and ‘surprising’ her with it was absolutely not the way to bring that up. NTA.” – Maleficient_Tart2923
“He even had the son sleeping in their room, ridiculous! She couldn’t have the romance she wanted. I’d be p**sed too! There was something wrong with what he did.” – Mrs239
“My ex always had to drag family along on our trips. He was more loyal to them and put more stock in them than he did in me.”
“I suggested we go to this cool new resort, so he created a contest at work and took a bunch of employees and their spouses with us. Of course, I had to help host and plan.”
“I was always his last priority. He’s a narcissist and we’re divorced now. My next big love will have the love language of wanting to spend quality time with me, is all I can say about that.” – Responsible_Point_91
“He’s putting literal space between them by wanting the son to sleep with them? And shows gross inconsideration towards his wife’s wishes, to the point of inviting family members to run interference?”
“Sounds like there are issues in this marriage. The money would have been better spent on a therapist to figure out what the husband’s marital issues are.” – coming_up_shawt
“It does make you wonder. I get that it can be difficult to find time and energy for intimacy when you have young kids, but it has been like 10 years since they had any young kids.”
“Was OP putting a whole bunch of pressure on this trip being ‘romantic’ and not understanding that her husband is not interested or there are other unresolved issues between them making him want a buffer?” – Artistic-Baseball-81
“Some people really are cheapskates. It doesn’t mean there are marital problems, some people are just that effing clueless.”
“My dad used to do the same shit when I was younger. He would make the most uncomfortable arrangements known to men for the sake of saving money. Lost my count of how many times I shared a room with my parents on trips as a teenager because he didn’t want to pay for an extra room.”
“This happened a lot after my brother moved out, since in his mind paying for an extra room for my brother and me to share was one thing, but paying for an extra room just for me was another. Needless to say, my mother wasn’t particularly happy about it.” – WitchDoctor1452
Unfortunately, dreaming of something for a decade is practically going to guarantee disappointment.
But for the subReddit, they were torn on whether the husband so monumentally failed in his planning because of being cheap or because of wanting a buffer on the trip.
Whatever his reasoning, it’s likely his planning did serious damage to his marriage.