Content Warning: Vomit and Other Bodily Fluids, Sexism, Misogyny, Toxic Entitlement
We’re all going to run into things, sometimes gross things, that we absolutely do not want to do, no matter how much of an adult we are.
But trying to put that responsibility on our partners instead, so we don’t have to do it, is such a red flag, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Elegant-Rutabaga-212’s future husband came home and threw up all over the bathroom after drinking too much, and even though she was caring for their baby throughout the night, he still expected her to clean it up.
When she even tried to negotiate with him and split the task, the Original Poster (OP) was disgusted that he still demanded that she clean up such a disgusting mess that wasn’t hers.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to clean up my fiancés vomit without his help?”
The OP’s future husband recently became ill and dirtied their bathroom.
“Last night, my fiancé vomited in his bathroom. I don’t know if it was from drinking, the heat, or a stomach bug, but he missed the toilet.”
“He texted me while I was getting our little one ready for bed, saying he’d vomited and needed help.”
“About two hours later (after feeding the dogs and trying to get our 10-month-old to sleep), I went to our bedroom. He immediately told me he vomited and needed me to clean it up.”
“I said I’d help disinfect after he cleaned the chunky part, but it would have to wait until morning because I needed to go back to the baby, who was already screaming again…”
“He didn’t respond, and I left.”
The OP’s partner continued to push the issue.
“This morning, while making his coffee, he asked again if I could clean his bathroom.”
“I asked if he’d done what I requested. He said no and that he wasn’t going to.”
“I explained I can’t handle the chunky part without gagging, and we went in circles.”
“He kept telling me to just do it, while I kept saying he needed to help, until he finally said, ‘You need to figure it out. End of discussion,’ before going outside with his coffee.”
Then he tried another approach.
“Twenty minutes later, he came back in, led with, ‘I love you”…’ and asked again.”
“When I still said no, he told me I had to do it and went to his office to work.”
The OP did not want to cross this boundary with him.
“For context: I’ve cleaned up his bodily fluids before in the earlier years of our relationship (at least a handful of times), but since being pregnant and having our baby, I’ve been firm that he cleans up after himself.”
“I’m also a SAHM and take care of our child 24/7, even when he’s off work. Does cleaning your partner’s vomit really fall into those duties?”
“Also, I peeked to see if I was being unreasonable and could just do it. No. Nope. Nopeeeeee.”
“The sink had hardened chunky brown vomit. The toilet was covered in the same but thicker material. I didn’t even check the wall or floor because I was already gagging.”
“AITAH for refusing to clean it up?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some demanded that the OP’s future husband clean up after himself.
“What the f**k?! Tell your loser husband (corrected: fiancé) to clean up his own damn puke. Obviously NTA.” – theworldisonfire8377
“Accidents happen, even to adults. In all forms (s**t, pee, vomit, and sometimes all of them together). But demanding others to clean is ridiculous.” – MxQueer
“If he was curled up in the fetal position in a cold sweat and barely able to form a sentence? Yeah okay. Sleep it off.”
“Well enough to make coffee and bark orders? Well enough to clean his own puke.”
“Crazy to think anyone would feel that was acceptable behavior.” – imwearingredsocks
“My partner got super sick last year, shaking, fever, chills, and that first night couldn’t make it to the toilet or trash and threw up into the sink.”
“He was mortified, insisted he’d clean it up in the morning, just needed to sleep and feel better, while shaking with a fever, barely made it back to the bed exhausted.”
“I cleaned up the mess, no problem, because he was violently ill and needed help, and it was stressing him out.”
“But demanding someone else clean up the vomit from the night before when you were drunk and drinking coffee the next morning? H**l no. Blegh. That ‘man’ has another thing coming.” – superalk
“I had sympathy at first, but then his being fine and TELLING her to clean it up blows my mind.”
“I really thought he was just super ill and needed help, but either way, he needed to ask, not demand. That’s insane to me. I am angry for her.” – neppester52819
Others were worried about how the OP would be treated if she stayed in this relationship.
“Why the f**k could he not make it into the toilet? And demanding she clean it like she’s the maid? This is grounds for leaving. No. Just no.” – Unimaginativename9
“To him, she is the maid. This man does not see her as his equal partner. He’s the breadwinner, she’s the baby maker. He’s got her right where he wants her, and things will only get worse if she gives into this demand and if she stays.” – Difficult-Age-133
“NTA. Tell your lazy a**hole of a wannabe husband to get off his a** and act like adult.”
“He needs to clean up after himself. He’s disgusting for leaving that just for you to clean it. AND WHILE YOU WERE PUTTING Y’ALL’S CHILD TO BED? Yeah, f**k no.”
“Too many men like the OP’s wanna man grow up with their moms doing everything and anything for them. They don’t understand accountability, and they sure as h**l aren’t taught the right way to be an adult. It’s sad, really, that society would rather enable men and set them up for failure than teach them to clean up after themselves.” – yumiwhite
“NTA. I’m just mad that you had a baby with a man who thinks you’re beneath him.”
“He doesn’t respect you. And regardless of his lying declaration of love (how pathetic he must think you are that it would only take three words for you to do this), he doesn’t actually like you all that much.”
“He thinks you work for him. He thinks he is the boss of you.”
“I hope you have an exit plan.” – KetoLurkerHereAgain
“Is THIS the life she wants her kid growing up to feel comfortable in? Their nervous systems learn what’s ‘normal’ by a few years old. Then they’ll (subconsciously) pick a partner as an adult where this dysfunctional dynamic repeats over and over and over again… because it makes something deep inside feel familiar and ‘like home.'”
“OP, is this the life you wish for your child when they’re an adult?? Show them better. Don’t let this be their idea of what a “normal” marriage looks like.” – hikergrl3
“I’m currently a stay-at-home mom. That means I watch the baby WHILE MY HUSBAND IS WORKING.”
“The entire premise of the role is so that the child is taken care of during the other parents’ working hours.”
“It doesn’t mean he’s absolved of chores in his own home, and it especially doesn’t mean he shouldn’t WANT to parent just as much the moment he has the luxury of doing so.”
“Furthermore, the fact that he sees her as someone who he isn’t even bothered by the thought of somebody cleaning up his vomit? The person he should want to find him sexually attractive, for that matter?”
“Has he no dignity? We already know there’s no respect for her.”
“OP, please reconsider a future where you are rewarded for all of your love and sacrifice and labor with… dried vomit chunks.” – DogsDucks
“At this point, it’s not about him treating you like a maid.”
“It’s about him demanding you do it because he wants to bring you to heel.”
“He wants you to clean up his mess, and he’s not willing to settle for helping in any manner. He is refusing not because he can’t do it, but because he is making a point.”
“You aren’t his partner. You are the person whom he tells to do something and does it. He’s not going to settle for less.” – JustAsICanBeSoCruel
“Honestly, OP, at this point, it doesn’t matter anymore. You weren’t able to clean it at the point that he was actually being sick, and whether that was caused by illness or overindulgence is a moot point. By the time he’s heading out to work the next day, he got well enough to clean it up, so he should do so.”
“But the ordering you around? The disrespect? The disdain he has shown you? There’s no excuse for that. You aren’t married yet. Get better.” – rememberimapersontoo
After receiving feedback, the OP finally had the update fellow Redditors were hoping for.
“He did not have a stomach bug. He was drunk and I just didn’t notice (remember I have a baby and my focus is on her).”
“Vomit has been cleaned up by him, after yet another conversation where I made it clear I wasn’t going to do it, and how messed up it was that he’d left it for me. This time, he didn’t argue; he just cleaned it up.”
“Thanks to everyone who commented, even the harsher ones. I know it seemed pretty obvious that it was messed up, but certain dynamics can make you question even the clearest of situations.”
While it was reassuring that the future husband stepped up and eventually cleaned his mess, it was hardly “stepping up,” where the subReddit was concerned.
They were alarmed and disgusted by how the OP had been treated, and since she was actually married yet, they hoped there was still a way out of this for her.