First periods and getting used to a young teen's period cycle can be a stressful and confusing time for teens and parents, especially if a teen has a somewhat unpredictable cycle or is shy about communicating their symptoms.
But this is one of those situations where every parent might not approach the situation in the same way, but it's safe to say that most of them are trying their best, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Particular-Map-3265 was not aware that his tween daughter, who he co-parented, had started her period cycle, so when she had a period at his home, he was surprised and quickly took her to the store for supplies.
But when his ex-wife later criticized him for the products he chose and allowed their daughter to use, the Original Poster (OP) was nothing short of shocked by her reaction.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for not getting approval on my daughter's period products?"
Something surprising happened when the OP's daughter was at his home.
"I (32 Male) have shared custody of my daughter (almost 11) with her mom."
"This past weekend, my daughter came to me and said her 'girly time' (her words) came."
"I was a little taken aback, only because I was unaware she had started having a period (I originally was under the impression that this was her first up until she let me know she's had a cycle before)."
The OP was quick to get his daughter what she needed.
"I asked if she needed any products or if she had some with her, and she said she didn't."
"I tried to reassure her and make sure she knew there wasn't anything to be embarrassed about, and then I called her mom to maybe see about scooping up some products, but no answer, but I did shoot her a text."
"My daughter made a makeshift temporary fix, and we rushed to the nearest open store. I asked what products she usually uses, she said she's only had a period once before and that the school nurse (her school has a sports camp during summer) gave her a tampon because she's in sports, and her mom gave her pads."
"The store was closing soon, so I just grabbed two boxes of each so I could have an emergency stash at my house as well, and hoped for the best. We rushed back home, I gave her the boxes, let her freshen up, tossed her clothes in the laundry, and we carried on with the rest of our night."
The OP's ex-wife was not happy with how he handled the situation.
"Earlier today, my daughter went to go back to her mom's house, her mom picked her up and everything was good until a few hours ago, when I get a call from my daughters mother screaming at me about letting her use a tampon, angry that I didn't run it by her first, that my daughters too young for one, she's not okay with it, and that it's for adults."
"I brought up how I called and texted and heard nothing back, but she didn't wanna hear it. She got mad at me for trying to deflect and hung up on me."
"(For context, the text I sent earlier after she didn't answer my call was saying that our daughters period came and she has no products with her so I'm going to the store, that text got no response until a few hours after I texted again after coming back from the store saying that everything was handled now.)"
"I probably didn't handle this perfectly, and I've been thinking about what I could've done differently. If I messed up here, I'm fully willing to try and rectify things."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some theorized that the OP's ex-wife was simply looking for an argument.
"NTA. Mom sounds like she's just looking for something to be mad about."
"For my daughter's first time, I took her to the store and pointed out the pads that would be appropriately sized for her and let her select. (She wasn't interested in tampons at that time.)"
"I let her choose the ones she wanted (the cutest package, of course) and then took her up front to pay. I wanted her to know there was nothing embarrassing about purchasing products you need, so I gave her my card and let her 'buy' them herself."
"The sweet little lady at the checkout realized what I was doing and winked at me. Then she stuck a Hersey bar in my daughter's bag and said, 'There ya go, sugar. Chocolate always helps.'"
"She told me later that made her feel like she was in some kind of special club or something."
"P.S., Your ex needs to take a health class." - SueShe19
"Trying to rectify... what?"
"This is actually wild. What the f**k did your ex expect? No, you're NTA for making sure your kid is being taken care of and is making choices about HER own body. Your ex is the one making it weird by potentially sexualizing a d**n period."
"That's the only reason I can think of that she'd say a tampon 'is for adults.' Like what?? It's a normal bodily function, and if you're buying your kid both pads and tampons, you're offering her bodily autonomy."
"Keep being a good dad and offering her choices about her body; you're doing great."
"NTA again. Tell your ex to seek Jesus." - heyyy_its_raeee
"If the ex was so concerned she should have a) given OP a heads up that daughter had started menstruating (my Mum told my Dad, because it was relevant information for my time at his place, and particularly when you first start, it's unlikely to be regular and predictable), and B) if she cared so damn much, sent supplies with her."
"Since she didn't bother to do either, she can shut the f**k up."
"Also, the choice should be whatever the daughter feels most comfortable with." - Lilitu9Tails
"The mother is the a**hole for not giving the daughter a stash of supplies or informing Dad she'd started menstruating. This is basic communication between parents! This whole situation could have been avoided, but drama mama wanted to set Dad up to fail."
"Dad, you need to clearly document this interaction, your daughter's story about her first time, the fact that the mom didn't tell you or give you a heads up, your texts, and her response. She'll absolutely use this all against you at some point." - Defiant-Lion8183
"Let's not forget that mom didn't inform dad about the fact that his daughter has her period started and what products to use. So what about co-parenting? Looks very much single-sided. What else is she going to withhold?"
"She just sent her to dad for days without any products or a chance to get them her approved way. What is her idea of how they (dad and daughter) should have handled it when she didn't answer? The shop was about to close. Just let the daughter bleed and destroy her clothes, dignity, furniture?" - Draigdwi
Others reassured the OP that he'd done the best that he could in the moment.
"If I ever have a daughter, I'll probably have some period products at home by the time she's like 8-9, just in case. That way I'd stay ahead of the mad scramble to get some to get some, making the first period a little less stressful for her."
"Other than that, I can't really see anything OP could've done much better. Considering OP's daughter is the one who has to walk around with it for a couple days, she should determine what product she's most comfortable with (and is absorbent enough)." - ensalys
"Kid indicated she had already used a tampon. Some girls have no issues with them, some do. There's a learning curve to figure out what works best, and if it was only her second period ever, it's better to just have a smorgasbord of products, to be honest."
"I won't even get into the light days, the heavy overnight pads, they have period panties these days that keep leaks from happening, and other wonders that were not available when I was growing up."
"NTA for buying things on the fly on a trip to the store you made together. She's allowed to have a say in what she uses." - 2dogs1life
"I can't imagine as a young girl, active in sports, not using tampons almost immediately."
"Your ex's response of 'tampons are for adults' is insane. Tampons are absolutely not just 'for adults'. The fact that she's saying that or even thinking it grosses me out because it's indicative of her associating a tampon with something sexual, and it's so far from anything even remotely THAT."
"Keep being a good Dad, keep reassuring your daughter, and keep letting her make these choices about her own body. By the way, unless your ex is gonna rake the school nurse over the coals for actually being the first to give your daughter a tampon... well, then she has no business reaming you out over it." - Visual_Patience_41
"NTA. If your ex was that worried about it, she should have sent feminine hygiene products with your daughter, as she must have been aware that she had had her period once before. Your daughter had a need, you reached out to your ex, and she didn't respond, so you handled it on your own." - InternalAggressive28
"You are a great dad, and it shows because your daughter was comfortable coming to you with this. You handled it perfectly. Sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter." - Interesting_Wing_461
The subReddit was thoroughly weirded out by how the OP's ex-wife responded to this situation, especially when the OP worked as hard as he did to make their daughter comfortable.
If the OP's ex was going to be this alarmed about this situation, she should have sent their daughter more prepared, especially since this wasn't her first period.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp