Content Warning: Ableism, Chronic Pain, Medical Neglect, Medical-Shaming
When two people get married, the expectation is that they will stand by their vows, no matter what, and work through their problems.
But a commonly abandoned vow is sticking together “in sickness and in health.”
It’s been proven time and time again that men often abandon their wives or become abusive toward them if they become ill, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit, though it might not be immediately obvious to other people.
Redditor _-Leek-_ thought that everything was pretty standard in her family, but during the latest family vacation, when her mother experienced a chronic pain flare-up, she was alarmed to hear her father ridicule her mother and even demand that she walk faster through her pain.
When her mother even pleaded for the group to slow down or let her rest, the Original Poster (OP) called her father out for how he was treating her mom.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for insulting my dad after he ignored my mom’s pleas?”
The OP was concerned by how her father treated her mother during a family vacation.
“I (21 Female) had to call out my dad (56 Male) for treating me and my mom (52 Female) badly throughout our vacation.”
“My family was out on an evening walk to see an event in the city we were spending the holiday in. My dad kept ignoring my mom, who was telling him to slow down his walking pace and that her knee was hurting. (This happened at least four times.)”
“He knows she’s not supposed to put too much pressure on it too fast, yet he still went on forward.”
“When he slowed down to let us catch up with him and my brother (irrelevant to the conflict), my mom was on the verge of limping. He rolled his eyes when she repeated it again, to slow down and wait for us, that the stroll could’ve been longer if they hadn’t rushed through with it.”
“He scoffed and told us to go on first instead to force us to lead instead of lagging behind.”
The OP called her dad out on his attitude.
“My mum and I already had to put up with said condescending behavior all week from both him and my brother, and I personally couldn’t take it anymore.”
“I called him a d**khead, and said he could show some sympathy.”
“I’ll be honest, I really do have a mean streak and come off as rather snarky when something gets to me, so I understand if it came off as harsher than I intended. I do feel kinda bad about it now.”
“We stayed quiet for the rest of the walk, and he didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day.”
The OP’s dad lashed out, refusing to accept responsibility for his actions.
“This morning, he left for a walk without telling anyone. I accompanied my mom to go get some food for lunch, and my dad childishly didn’t eat any of it.”
“He made his own and told me to ‘grow up’ and that ‘I needed to do something with my life.'”
“He also made up new things, like how I called him a son of a b***h and more, but he does that all the time when he’s angry with me.”
“And to tie it all together, he said that he was done with this vacation and that he was going back home. We came with his car, so my mom asked him if we were supposed to go back home on the train instead. He didn’t reply.”
“Honestly… I’m tired, I’m angry, and I need some impartial opinions here. Was I really the a**hole my dad made me feel like? Did I ruin the vacation for everyone else?”
“AITA?”
As the comments started to come in, the OP shared in a comment that this situation particularly confused her because this was new behavior for her father.
“My mum has a brace. She wears it sometimes when the pain flares up really badly and has to walk long distances, but this was a stroll, so she didn’t think she needed to wear it.”
“As for my dad, well, he started acting like this just recently. I’d say the last month or two? Usually, he just acts like…childish? Just jokes around a lot, and instigates just to be annoying. But not to be mean.”
“Which is why I was surprised when he just became more and more passive-aggressive all holiday. Making ‘jokes’ on my and my mom’s expense, and even telling him that he’s not funny, makes him defensive and tells me to lighten up.”
“And to be honest, I’d love another vacation just me and my mom, but we can’t really afford it. We rented a family friend’s house for this one, and it cost us enough as it is.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some called the OP NTA and continued to call her dad out on her behalf in the comments.
“I’m a male, and your father is an AH male chauvinist. Your father does not respect you or your mother from his behavior. You definitely are NTA.” – macross1984
“My dad told me to slow down last month. I said, ‘Sorry, it’s learned behaviour from trying to keep up with you as a kid.'”
“For the first time in my life (I’m 34), I heard him say sorry. I guess those annoying complications following his double bypass weren’t for nothing.”
“I hope OPs and their mom get to hear those words one day, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.” – Environmental_Art591
“NTA, your dad is abusive. Next time, do vacation-type things with your mom and leave your dad on his own. If he does come along, make sure that you’re not dependent on his car. Have a credit card and papers ready to rent your own car or get you and your mom independent transportation.” – Garden_Lady2
“NTA, your dad is a child. Well, immature. And abusive. Children would show some sympathy for someone who’s tired or hurting and needing to slow down.” – redditstinktotal
“Your brother is not really ‘irrelevant to the conflict.’ He’s not TA here, but he seems to be following in your father’s footsteps (pun not intended).”
“As regards the broader situation though, no: you’re definitely not the a**hole here. Both you and your mom are being abused physically, verbally, and emotionally, your father acting like a child and then telling you that you need to grow up, and refusing to eat the food that you and your mom prepared was entirely infantile.”
“If this is a pattern of behaviour, as it seems to be since ‘he does that all the time he’s angry with me,’ then please try to help your mom see the pattern, and help her understand that not only does she not deserve this, but nor do you or your brother.”
“So, in summary: NTA.” – onomatopeic
Others encouraged the OP to have a lovely train trip home with her mom.
“I say embrace the train trip home (and maybe do public transport next time if mum can handle it). It’s so much more relaxing on the train, plus everyone gets to enjoy the scenery. Including the absence of your grumpy dad, because yikes.” – Sufficient-Bend5568
“OP, enjoy the ride home with your mom, and let this be the beginning of a new adventure for you, for her, and possibly for the two of you together, like two Musketeers who do not need a third and a fourth.”
“NTA. Your poor mother needs a divorce. He is emotionally abusive to her. Physically, as well, since forcing someone to walk faster than they can without pain is physical abuse.”
“She deserves better. It’s not something YOU have to give to her, but you can be there for her, starting with this train, going somewhere new.” – ClassicCommercial581
“NTA. In my opinion, a train ride afterwards is a very small price to pay for enjoying one’s vacation without an insensitive individual, like your father, messing things up.” – Individual_Ad_9213
“NTA, but remove yourselves from the games he plays.”
“Don’t go on vacation with him anymore; you and your mother can go just the two of you.”
“Your mother should not go walking with him anymore. Etc.”
“If he refuses to eat with you, say, ‘Good, more for us,’ and laugh at him. Laughing will bother him more than insults.” – hamMcDofordinner
“Sounds like your dad is the a**hole. It would be hilarious if he took off at his passive-aggressive speed and then tripped over something, wiping out. I want that for him.”
“Seriously, though, your dad was the poster boy for “d***head.” I think he was deliberately trying to hurt your mother. If he’s under stress, he’s clearly taking it out on his family.”
“Again, I hope he trips. And I hope you and your mom have a wonderful TRAIN trip.” – Str4ng3-L0v3
Several Redditors shared information about family relationship dynamics and pondered possible emotional abuse and neglect in the OP’s home that might have previously gone undetected.
Redditor confusedtigre shared information from the National Legal Service and wrote:
“Are you sure it is only recent? Or could there be a longer pattern that you just haven’t seen before? In some cases, this kind of abuse/manipulation can fly under the radar because it isn’t fits of rage.”
“I am not necessarily saying your family fits that profile, but it can be difficult to recognise when you have grown up in a dysfunctional family system. Many people start really noticing such structures as teens or young adults.”
“Have your father’s needs been put first in the family? Are there always excuses when he misbehaves or doesn’t keep his word? Are conflicts in the family ever resolved or just rug swept? Many more examples could be made, but I think you get the gist.”
“If I were you, I would also read up a bit on dysfunctional family systems and reactive abuse. It can be very difficult to recognise more covert forms of abuse, but it wears you down with time. The more you know, the more ways you can find to handle the situation.”
Redditor confusedtigre’s comment opened the OP’s eyes, which she confided in a follow-up comment.
“Oh… To be honest with you, reading that whole article made me sad. I never really realized how him shifting the blame back on me each time was actually considered gaslighting? Abuse?”
“Whenever he argues with someone (mostly me), we usually don’t talk a lot after. I shut down just like him. I remember we went a few weeks without speaking back when I was a teen. Then we move on as if nothing had ever happened in the first place. S**tty, I know.”
“I saw a therapist a few years ago for that and a lot of other s**t, and I’ve worked over that. And he does show up when he says he will, he’s not… completely bad. He’s still my dad, you know?”
A few Redditors empathized with the OP and hoped for better in her and her mother’s futures.
“I get it, girl. Low contact or no contact doesn’t mean you don’t love your dad. It means you love your peace and yourself more.”
“As his daughter, you have a duty to love yourself first, alright? The same with your mother, remember, they are both grown adults.”
“Tell them ‘thank you’ for this vacation and move on with your life however is best for you.” – FederalKale4945
“That last part you wrote, ‘he is not completely bad,’ can be the hardest part to come to terms with. Why does this person, who shows care in these other way,s act like this towards the people he is supposed to love?”
“This kind of family dynamic is tough to break, and the one person who actually sees that something isn’t right and points that out is the one usually deemed the problem. It is because you are challenging the status quo. To what degree depends on a lot of different things.”
“I have seen so many family dynamics like this up close. Just know that, whatever everyone says, you are not the broken one for reacting to mistreatment and abuse. You should react to that kind of treatment. Reacting in the best way possible for your protection and peace of mind is what is something you might need the help of a therapist to figure out.”
“You will also need to decide how much and in what way you wish to keep contact with your dad. It is not fair that you have been dealt this hand, and it has already taken a lot of your energy.”
“This internet auntie really wishes you the best and will be thinking about you. Take care of yourself!” – confusedtigre
Hopefully, the OP and her mother would take the OP’s dad up on the “offer” to take the train back and make some great memories on the way home without belittlement and rushing.
But, once everyone was back home, the subreddit was sure that the OP had a lot of unpacking ahead of her, both in how she was treated by her family and what she could do to support her mother without developing codependency.