Getting finances consolidated in anticipation of or after marriage is something most couples should do. Eliminating duplicate subscriptions to services like streaming or deliveries can end up saving a couple thousands of dollars.
A newlywed turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after one such consolidation caused family friction.
Toasted_Lizard asked:
“AITA for removing my sister-in-law from the family Spotify plan?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I got married a couple weeks ago, and we’re in the process of merging our finances. This includes going through all of our subscriptions to reduce redundancy and sync our bills.”
“In doing so, we realized that my husband’s brother’s ex wife is still on his Family Spotify Plan. Because she is, we can’t add me.”
“My husband started the family plan about six years ago for himself and his two older brothers. It allows him to have four separate accounts in the plan, and the cost per account is lower than paying for them individually.”
“When the plan was created, each brother got an account and the last account went to the middle brother’s wife. The plan is under my husband’s name, so he is the administrator.”
“He gets billed annually and the others reimburse him for their share.”
“At the time, this made perfect sense.”
“They all saved some money, the middle brother was the only one with a spouse, and although my husband and I had been together for about a year at the time, I was about to start grad school so I could still get the student pricing and thus had no reason to join the plan.”
“Now, it makes less sense. I’m out of school, we’re married, and the middle brother got divorced about a year and a half ago.”
“We can easily afford to keep my separate Spotify, but we also realized the ex never paid my husband back when the plan renewed this year, so we agreed it made more sense to remove her and add me in order to simplify our subscriptions.”
“So that’s exactly what my husband did. He deactivated her, joined my Spotify to the plan, and texted his middle brother to let the ex know.”
“We didn’t text her directly because she became extremely volatile during their divorce so the brother asked our whole family not to contact her directly so all communication could flow through a specific moderated messaging app that their lawyers recommended.”
“This has caused a family conflict. The middle brother is mad at us because he feels like we’re forcing him to have another fight with his ex just so we could save a buck. It’s true that she will definitely be set off by this.”
“Plus, he feels like she ‘deserves’ to stay on the plan because they were together for a long time (aka, longer than my husband and I). We can definitely see how it sucks for him to have to reach out to his ex, and inevitably piss her off.”
“On the other hand, the oldest brother agrees with us.”
“She can’t stay on their family plan forever just to avoid a conflict, it’s healthier to sever these last ties, she chose to leave the family (divorce was her call) so she gave up any family-related benefits, and there are logical reasons for me to join the plan now.”
“So, internet strangers, AITA for asking to join my husbands family Spotify plan, and thereby forcing his brother to have a conflict with his ex?”
The OP later added:
“Now, to be fair, there was never an expectation that we would continue to pay for her. That was just an oversight this year.”
“The middle brother offered to keep paying for her share of the plan.”
“We discussed that idea, but my husband and the other brother wanted her off the plan either way. They told the middle brother he could offer to pay for her new account if it was that big a deal.”
“We didn’t ask him to call her. We just let him know we were removing her.”
“I just included the detail that we told him only to explain why we didn’t let her know ourselves. He could decide not to tell her, or to reach out.”
“We don’t really care. He’s the one who feels obligated to reach out to her.”
“My husband sees it as ‘his’ plan because it’s in his name (and thus no discussion needed) while his brother sees it as ‘theirs’ because they all pay equally (and thus we should have consulted him first). I can see it both ways.”
“It was being split 4 ways, until last year when she didn’t pay for hers. She may have just forgotten, we sure did.”
“The issue with closing the plan completely is that the two brothers would lose their saved playlists, etc… because their accounts only exist under the umbrella of the plan.”
“I don’t care about mine, but to them that’s a no-go. It was more about the simplicity and severing ties than about the nominal savings.”
“If there’s a way to sever them without totally losing their accounts, we haven’t been able to figure it out. This was one of the possible solutions proposed by the oldest brother.”
“As far as we can tell, we would have to close the family plan, and then the two brothers (and I, but my account is brand-new anyways so it doesn’t matter) would need to create totally new accounts.”
“We do know she uses it because we can see her audiobook purchases in the plan history, and just based on past experiences it’s a safe bet that she will be displeased.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“My husband and I decided to remove his brother’s ex wife from the family Spotify plan, so that he could add me instead.”
“This could make me the a**hole because the ex will be pissed off, and this will create a conflict between her and my husband’s brother.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“So let me get this straight. You and your husband are paying for this subscription and yet you’re the bad guy?”
“That is one screwed up family that you have married into. The only people that you two should be paying for are both of you. If they’re going to be this upset you need to cut everyone else off and make them pay for their own subscriptions and you two do you.”
“Talk about entitlement. I cannot believe that they are putting an ex-wife over an official family member. Oh hell no. You need to stand your ground on this. You are absolutely in the right on this.”
“I respect you for clarifying that the middle brother would reimburse for his ex-wife, but the fact still remains that this is your husband’s plan and how dare everyone yell at you and come at you when you’re the ones that are ultimately responsible for the plan itself.”
“You are not being treated with the respect you deserve. Make his brother and his ex-wife get their own plan. I’m sure once you suggest this, he might actually get how ridiculous this is.” ~ StormWilling5279
“NTA, but you’re only hearing the brother’s side of the story. It is possible that the ex would be less upset if people just communicated with her directly like an adult instead of playing games.”
“If the ex is going to be upset no matter who contacts her, someone is going to have to take it on the chin. It makes sense for your husband to be the one to tell her, seeing as how he’s newly married and reorganizing his finances.”
“There is no reason to poke the bear by telling her, ‘we’re taking you off so that we can put someone else on’. Just tell her you’re closing the account altogether due to no one else paying.”
“Your original question was AITA. People get upset when they are left in the dark and feel powerless.”
“It is avoidant to cross your fingers and hope that she has already stopped using the account, and to hope that she won’t notice that it’s gone. It is avoidant to pretend that she will be easier to manage if no one tells her the account was closed and she just finds out the next time she tries to use the account.”
“There is no good reason to be avoidant on this issue. Just treat her with enough respect to let her know what’s going on.”
“Even if she pushes back and complains, you don’t have to engage with any of that, you can just say ‘we have to put our finances in order. I understand that it’s inconvenient for you, but our decision has been made’.” ~ 4E4ME
“I don’t think it is necessary that middle brother lets her know. She is bound to notice the next time she tries to use Spotify.”
“She will either just accept that she is not part of that family anymore (by her own choice), or will reach out from her side to b*tch about it, in which case middle brother has the same fight as he is fearing for when he reaches out to let her know.”
“And if she complains about it, the answer to ‘Why did you remove me?’ should simply be ‘You didn’t pay for it at the last renewal, so we assumed you don’t want to be on it anymore’.” ~ Future-Crazy-CatLady
Severing this tie seems like the best idea for everyone, even if the one brother needs to communicate with his ex-wife over it.