Sometimes it’s more preferable to have a large gathering or important event without somebody. That person, for a variety of reasons, can really change the temperature of the room and make it significantly worse.
Reddit user callmewilma found herself in an awkward situation where she had to make the call on whether or not to stop a very unpleasant family member of her fiancé’s from showing up and ruining the wedding with his normal chaotic energy.
Unsure if she made the right decision by deciding to enforce him not coming, she went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole” or “AITA” for feedback.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to let my partner be blackmailed by his parents for not inviting a hated uncle to our wedding?”
Our original poster, or OP, told us about her wedding upcoming.
“After being together ~10yrs, my partner, K (M25) and I (F25) have finally decided to plan our wedding.”
“I’ve never dreamt of my wedding, I’m generally unbothered about the details, just a nice day. I’m slowly getting excited after confirming our venue and date last week.”
But then came the topic of Uncle P.
“On Saturday, we discussed it with K’s family and his mum asked ‘are you inviting Uncle P?'”
“Uncle P is just the worst. I’ve met him 3 times, he’s in US and we’re UK. But he makes my skin crawl with how sleezy he is.”
“K truly hates him for the all the devastation and manipulative behaviour to his family. Most notably, stealing £££££ from his parents for his lifestyle and failing business, cheating and being a general unpleasant alcoholic. He had also never been an Uncle to K, they haven’t spoken in years.”
OP’s soon-to-be husband immediately felt bad about the idea.
“K refuses to invite him, his very presence would just make him angry and upset. I suggested a pity invite to keep his mum happy, but he didn’t accept just in case he did turn up.”
“Back to Saturday, I replied truthfully with no we’re not sorry. I wasn’t going to give her false hope.”
“Today we found out she’s been crying. Threatening they won’t talk to us if we don’t invite him. Saying it’ll break up her family.”
“They won’t come to the wedding. Threatened to not gift us wedding money (we’re not fussed). They have said they’d pay for Uncle P to attend etc etc.”
“Obviously this has caused a huge amount of heartbreak.”
OP knows how this can feel coming from family members.
“I personally went through a lot trauma, emotional abuse from my family, so I’m sort of used to this blackmail.”
“I’ve had periods of not seeing my family because of my stepmum. But it all tends to sort itself out.”
“It’s now become more than just a silly invite for me. The easy route would just to cave, but I’ve had so much of my life ruined and dictated by other people that I’m not willing to let K be blackmailed like this.”
“So am I the a**hole?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Reddit stands firmly with OP.
“NTA – and sit down children old Mrs F**kUGalen has a short story time.”
“About 9 years 8 months and 11 days ago +1 year, I also was planning a wedding with my parents pushing me to invite relatives I didn’t want at my wedding.”
“‘They won’t come’ my parents said. ‘They will send cash or good gifts’ my parents said.”
“Well children, they did come, they did not bring gifts. They did however bring children (to my adult child free wedding), they also managed to cause $1000 worth of damage when one of the uninvited children knocked over a glass cabinet.”
“I am not saying you shouldn’t pick your battles, but remember that this is your wedding, and you should be comfortable with all your guests.”~F**kUGalen
“NTA at all.”
“If all the stuff Uncle P did didn’t ‘break up the family’ then the family will survive this too. It’s really just manipulation to get what they want.”
“Tell them to care about their son or f**k off.”~Tickle_The_Grundle
“What the hell is it with people thinking they get a say in who a couple invites to their wedding?”
“If you are not one of the people getting married you do not get to decide who gets an invitation.”
“If it’s so bad that you’ll threaten to not go then good riddance. Have your fiance blackmail and manipulate her right back.”
“‘If you truly loved me and wanted my wedding to be a joyous occasion then you wouldn’t ask me to invite someone I can’t stand.’ And obviously you’re NTA”~I_exist_damn_you
“NTA and please stand firm on this. Emotional blackmail is never ok. K’s parents need to get over themselves and realise this isn’t about them.”
“It’s you and your partner who are getting married and it’s you and your partner who get to invite, or not invite, whoever you want.”
“If they are so petty and childish that they try to emotionally blackmail K with not talking to him etc, well, that seems to me to be their loss and your gain.”
“Do you really want these people at your wedding anyway? DO NOT CAVE! Good luck OP and I hope you have a lovely wedding.”~Featherymorons
And everyone is really reminding OP that it’s her wedding, no matter what anyone else says.
“It’s your wedding, everyone else can get bent.”
“You and your partner, two witnesses, and the representative of the state. That’s all that is required.”
“Everyone else is there at your discretion.”
“NTA. Your Mother in Law, however, is.”~HoleToad
“I fought this battle and won. What worked for me was making MIL say it herself.”
“I’d met my now husband’s cousin once via Skype. She and her partner (whom I’d never met) were invited to the wedding.”
“Her four little Hellions (whom I’d also never met but heard numerous stories about) were not invited.”
“We were not fully child free but we had a very select list of children we had an actual relationship with to attend.”
“MIL approached us. Cousin couldn’t come unless she can bring her children. We said that was a shame, she’d be missed.”
“MIL offered to pay. I explained it wasn’t about the money. I said I knew that one set of grandparents would be at the wedding, but what about the others (these 4 children has 3 different dads, there were grandparents aplenty)?”
“She said none could have them. I asked why not, were they all busy? No, they just refuse to babysit the children.”
“Oh gosh! Are they really that bad? Yes, they can be. So, do you think they’d make good wedding guests? No, probably not.”
“Make her say it. It goes on better that way.”~Crafty_hooker
“NTA Stand your ground on this one. On your wedding day, you don’t want people there that make your skin crawl.”
“You have said No multiple times now. If Mum really wants to choose P over K and miss out on the wedding, that is on her. ‘Oh, what a shame you’re not coming then. No, it’s not up for discussion.'”
“Don’t engage with her. You already know her crying/threats are manipulative and it is not her place to lay down any demands here.”
“Your wedding will be all the better without the negativity. And congratulations :)”~Aska9794
“NTA. It is your wedding, invite who you want there to share that day with you. If your partner’s mum is going to be a drama queen about it, that is her problem.”
“If she doesn’t show up either, fine, she doesn’t have to come. You invited her, that is all you can do.”
“Stay strong on this one.”~ConfettiConfessions
And some are even advising her of the steps to take to make sure this person doesn’t show up at the wedding at all.
“NTA. But you need to go into this with open eyes.”
“She’s going to invite Uncle P. Set aside some money for a security guard for the venue and give them a picture of P so he knows who to look out for.”
“Clue in the groomsman and bridesmaids and all your friends too. The more eyeballs the better.”~The__Riker__Maneuver
“NTA you and your soon to be husband don’t like or even hate uncle P and its YOUR wedding so you decide who should be invited.”
“When k’s mom is saying that she refuses to come to to the wedding if P is not there and the family will break, it is already broken when they said that they don’t want to come to THEIR CHILD’S wedding only cause of an uncle.”
“I wish you a great wedding :)”~chameleon18
“NTA. My MIL tried to threaten my husband with being written out of the will (around 1milAUD) and when that didn’t work, she called him all sorts of awful names and didn’t come to our wedding. Now they haven’t spoken in close to 2 years.”
“All because my husband wanted his sister to apologise for ruining my hens weekend. All he wanted was an apology, which the sister refused to do because she’s the favourite and has never had to do ANYTHING she doesn’t want to.”
“And you know what? Our wedding day was fabulous without them. Literally made no difference. Don’t let her pull this on you.”~Leisel_VonTrapp
“NTA I had a similar situation when I didn’t invite one of my brothers to my wedding and a few family members tried to emotionally blackmail me into inviting him but I stuck to my guns.”
“(He had made his thoughts on gay people/gay marriage very clear so not sure why he would want to come anyway).”
“Who you choose to celebrate your marriage with is your business and no one is entitled to be there. I hate this ‘bloods thicker than water’ stuff – when a family member is toxic cut them off!”~Danie_Nelson
OP has made the right choice, according to Redditors. All she needs to do know is stick to it.
Hopefully her wedding will be a happy day, free of any drama caused by Uncle P or any others.