Young children require constant monitoring.
They can get into everything and anything.
When young kids are unsupervised for too long, havoc ensues.
You name it, they'll find a way to destroy it.
Because havoc... can be expensive to repair.
Redditor OkInfluence8022 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA FOR ASKING MY SISTER IN LAW TO HELP PAY FOR CLEANING AFTER HER KIDS DREW ON MY WALLS?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Names changed for privacy."
"I'm 25 F[emale], my husband is 23 M[ale]."
"We just repainted our living room after weeks of patching and sanding."
"You could still smell the paint."
"We hosted a family dinner last weekend, nothing fancy, pasta and garlic bread, everyone brought something."
"My S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] Jess 32 F brought her twins 5 M.
"So I set up a kids' table in the den with paper, washable markers, and snacks so they'd have their own area."
"I went to grab more drinks and my stomach dropped because the living room wall had loops and zigzags all over the fresh paint… one of the twins handed me a marker cap and said oopsie."
"I didn't even know what to say for a second."
"I called Jess in."
"She kind of laughed and said, 'Boys will be boys, they'll get bored.'"
"So I tried wiping, and the color just smeared into the matte paint."
"Jess said they're little ones and I can repaint."
"That stung."
"I'd spent nights on that wall, the next morning I bought the fancy cleaners the paint store recommended."
"The ink lifted in spots, so did the paint."
"We called a painter and he texted a quote for 200 to sand, prime, and redo the one wall, so I texted Jess asking if she could help cover it since I set up the drawing area and the kids wandered anyway."
"She said I was punishing creativity, and I should have put the markers away completely."
"Tom says I'm making too much of it."
"He feels for Jess, she's a single mom and money is tight, and he thinks this just starts drama."
"My mom said Jess should at least offer something."
"Tom's brother helped me clean that night without making a scene and said he'd talk to her."
"His mom told me to chill, kids will be kids."
"I keep going back and forth."
"We put time and money into the space, and I tried to plan for the twins."
"Asking for help with the repaint feels fair to me, and then I think about Jess's budget, and I feel mean."
"What really got me was the laugh and the it's just paint comment, and it made me feel silly for caring about my own house."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for asking my sister-in-law to pay part of the repainting cost?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Buy a multipack of Sharpies to gift the twins next time you visit them at their house." ~ Medical-Aide5586
"NTA, but I wouldn't push her to pay for it."
"I would just never invite them over to your home again."
"When they ask, if they ask, say they aren't welcome after they damaged your home."
"Be firm."
"Say you are happy to go to their house or meet in the community."
"By the way, I'd lose my s**t if my nieces and nephews drew on my walls."
"Their parents would, too." ~ Le-Chat-Blanc
"NTA, but also, I'd say the kids should not be invited back unless the parents are more prepared to help supervise."
"I probably would have offered to repaint the wall if money were tight."
"She had options." ~ Major_Barnacle_2212
"This! Something similar happened to my house."
"After seeing how both parents and their children behaved, I never invited them back."
"When I tried to tell about it to other family members, they all went with the same irresponsible excuses: 'kids will be kids.'"
"At their age, when my cousin and I misbehaved in the same way, we were all grounded."
"It is on the parents to educate their children." ~ Lilirain
"NTA. When it's her house, she can have that attitude; when it's someone else's house, she needs to take property damage seriously… even family."
"This 'boys will be boys' attitude needs to stop now before they learn they can get away with misbehaving and causing damage without punishment."
"Soon those 5-year-olds will be 10, then 14, then 18… her attitude to their behavior gets a lot less acceptable as they get older and the damage they can do gets a lot more serious."
"At the very least, the kid(s) owe you a sincere thank you."
"Going forward, they shouldn't be left unattended if she can't be responsible for watching them."
"And I'd be very hesitant to invite them over again for a long time."
"If your husband wants to spend time with family, he can talk to one of them about hosting." ~ BluePopple
"I would definitely ask her to contribute costs."
"At 5 years old, they should know better, and I would question her parenting skills." ~ Roxxxxxxxxxxx03
"NTA. Have you ever seen crayon, marker, or fingerpaint on the walls at your sister-in-law's home?"
"If not, it's probably not an issue of blocking creativity."
"It's because she doesn't allow her kids to ruin her walls."
"SIL needs to chip in for the repair." ~ EmpressOfMyBackyard
"NTA — suggest since she can't afford it, she should come over with her twins and sand and prep the wall (the twins just for the purpose of a teaching moment that what they did was wrong, not that they would really be able to do that work) and she can buy the paint and do the repainting herself (teaching moment for her to pay more attention to her kids)."
"Her attitude is the worst part of this situation." ~ TravelDaze
"NTA, and frankly, I'd ask her not to bring her kids over until she teaches them not to be destructive."
"Just because she doesn't care about her home and belongings doesn't mean others don't." ~ Very_Stable_Princess
"NTA, how are you punishing creativity?"
"Are the twins the ones expected to pay for it somehow?"
"Her argument makes no sense, and she should absolutely be helping to cover the damages that HER unsupervised children caused." ~ A_Classy_Ghost
"NTA. Kids will be kids, but it's up to the parents to ensure that they don't damage other people's property and/or to help pay for their damages if they do."
"Next time, keep them outdoors or don't provide anything that can be used to deface or break something else." ~ Individual_Ad_9213
"NTA, but if you gave them the washable markers, lesson learned that they are not 'washable.'"
"Even if she is broke, she could have offered to help repaint and teach her boys that this was not okay, especially when visiting."
"I always taught my children that different families have different rules, and even if they don't make sense to you, you follow them."
"Coloring walls is not creative; it is destructive." ~ MentionGood1633
Of course, some Redditors had a few different thoughts...
"ESH. Never leave kids alone with items that could harm themselves or their surroundings."
"You gave them markers."
"That's on you."
"No one supervised them."
"They are five."
"You all suck."
"The mother is excusing the behaviour as creativity."
"She's an a**hole setting her kids up for failure instead of teaching them manners, rules, and civility." ~ DgShwgrl
"She gave them paper, washable markers, something anyone would give children."
"It is no one else's responsibility or job to watch your kids."
"The sister in law knew markers were involved, and her kid's behavior is her responsibility."
"Nothing grinds my gears more than a parent who shows up to a family function and then leaves their kids alone for the other adults to watch."
"My sister dumps her kids on me so much at these things to the point where I had to start fully ignoring them, probably hurting their feelings, so I could spend time with family members I rarely get to see."
"I did not choose to have those kids, I will not be responsible for children I did not have unless it's an emergency or I agreed to look after them." ~ DgShwgrl
"This!!! I hide all markers, pencils, and everything when kids come over."
"I have 2 of my own, but they know we don't do that to walls."
"I've had one situation where husband's friend's kids are like wild Drew everywhere I ended up getting it off husband helped, but we both vowed we would run around like crazy and pick up and put in our own room anything like that." ~ Such_Memory5358
"It depends on whether anything was agreed, as in your kids, your responsibility."
"It sounds like a lot of parents, it was a case of 'meh, they're quiet, leave 'em to it.'"
"I feel ultimately the responsibility is with the parent, not the OP." ~ No_Acanthisitta953
"ESH. Why any of you thought it would be a good idea to leave twin five-year-olds unsupervised with markers is beyond me."
"And then to do it in a freshly remodeled room."
"Like, have you ever met children?"
"But yes, obviously, their parent is ultimately responsible for them and any damage they do."
"SIL should have offered to paint the wall, or pay to have it repainted."
"Mainly, I'm confused why a quick coat of paint would require sanding and priming to the tune of $200?"
"Or why didn't you just use a magic eraser to wipe off the marker?"
"They're just markers."
"The marks don't need to be sanded off the wall to be able to be painted over."
"That makes zero sense." ~ m33chm
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
It would be nice if your SIL coughed up the money.
She clearly has some parenting issues.
Children need constant supervision.
It may be time to call Judge Judy.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp