Families have a tendency of not staying in one place for generation after generation, and sometimes their beliefs intermingle or contrast with the beliefs of the new place they’ve moved to.
Not always for the better, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor sadb***hdecade realized how old-fashioned of a home she had grown up in when her father began discussing his will.
When they couldn’t come to an agreement, the Original Poster (OP) began second-guessing her place in the house.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for getting mad at my father for not including me in his will?”
The OP walked in on a conversation.
“So I (23 [Female]) have 2 younger siblings (21 [Female] and 19 [Male]).”
“I walked into the living room the other day and heard my dad discussing his will with my mom.”
“He said if anything were to happen to him, all his assets will go to my mom and my brother, and my sister and I will be getting nothing.”
The OP spoke up about what she heard.
“I was pretty frustrated after hearing this and told him I don’t even need his money and he can spend it the way he wants, but he needs to stop saying he loves us all equally when it’s clear he favors my brother and always has.”
“He said it wasn’t anything like that but he’s just following cultural norms in which sons get all the property because they are expected to take care of the parents and daughters are their husband’s property.”
“I told him his rationale doesn’t make sense because we don’t even live in his country and nobody follows that here, so why is he so obsessed with his backward culture?”
[To add, the OP clarified in a comment:]
“My parents were raised in India, but we live in Canada, and we’re not Hindu.”
The OP’s father did not take this feedback well.
“He then started saying that just because he treats his daughters differently than his son doesn’t mean he loves us any less.”
“I reminded him he was full of s**t because when my sister and I were born he cried because he wanted a son and asked my mom if he could ship us off to his relatives in his home country because he didn’t want us.”
“He said that was a long time ago.”
“I told him I’m so sick of having to deal with all his double-standards over the years and I hate his culture and he just shouldn’t have had any kids at all if he didn’t want to risk having daughters because we didn’t want to be born into a family like this either.”
The OP’s father shut down the conversation.
“At that point, he told me I was being too dramatic and have no right to speak to him like that.”
“My mom got angry at both of us – at me for talking back to him and at him for having this conversation while I was home (but not for excluding my sister and I from the will).”
“I just said, ‘Whatever,’ and walked away, and now we’re not speaking.”
“I do recognize I may have come across as greedy and entitled, though.”
After receiving some feedback, the OP added to the post:
“To all the people saying I need to move out, I know.”
“My sister is almost done with university, and we do plan on moving out together once she gets a job.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out how contradictory the father’s statements were.
“NTA. You should make it clear that actually, THIS DOES MEAN HE LOVES YOU LESS.”
“He doesn’t even see you as human or worthy of his inheritance. His backward cultural values are more important to him than his daughters and allows him to devalue you.”
“Make it known: ‘Yes, Dad, this means you love us less. That is exactly what it means.'” – KittyKittyMuffinPile
“Also I’m assuming in his culture the norm for when parents age and retire is for their daughters to take care of them…”
“I’d tell him to get comfortable being cared for by their sons since they’re the ones already getting everything and if their sons don’t step up then they’ll be going to a home that their retirement will pay for.” – AnimalLover38
Others pointed out the father wasn’t caring for his daughters according to his cultural values.
“In his old-fashioned culture, wouldn’t it be even more important for women to have their own money to protect them in case your husband or brother doesn’t take care of you?”
“You probably know this already, but these were social rules for places where women were in fact part of the property and debts that would be part of an estate. A woman wasn’t allowed to hold property or keep money; she was the property of her father, brother, or son.”
“So your dad is also passing on money but also the ‘burden’ of supporting 3 people. Except your brother grew up here and I’m not hearing him say he would give you a share or take care of you were something to happen to dad.” – Mundane-Currency5088
“NTA OP, and good on you for pointing out how a**-backwards he’s being.”
“My personal experience is that diaspora parents are so much more culturally backward than those who live in the culture’s homeland so don’t back down and continue to call him out.” – fullmetalbich
Some recommended going no-contact.
“You’re NTA, but I honestly think you would be far better off by going no-contact at this point.”
“What you’re going through has to be extremely stressful and painful, and you simply don’t need to deal with this if you don’t want to. So don’t.”
“Make it clear that you won’t be contacting them going forward because of how stressful the constant sexism and favoritism is, and how hard it is to feel unloved by your parents. And then do your best to move on. Good luck.” – Blood_sweat_and_beer
“OP, you should make sure your parents know that neither you nor your sister will be taking care of them in their old age.”
“Since he is giving all his money to your brother, then they should expect your brother to be the only one to take care of them. NTA. You don’t need them.” – jshady8
The OP thought she might have been wrong for speaking up, but the subReddit didn’t think so. Even if the timing on the conversation had been wrong, the OP still uncovered issues in her family that might be worth moving away from.