Fatherhood may involve things a man might not want to deal with.
But when he's a single parent—through design, death or divorce—he's at some point going to be the only one there for his children.
A widowed father to three girls wasn't prepared to take care of his daughters—four years after their mother's death. So he did what he thought was best.
But after upsetting his children and getting pushback from his sister-in-law (SIL) he questioned his choices. So he turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor LaughableLion asked:
"AiTA for cutting my daughters' hair really short because I was not prepared to deal with it?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hello. I, 35, have 3 daughters, 5, 6 and 8. They are biracial (I'm White and mom was Black) and have very very curly hair."
"My wife passed away four years ago and I have been raising them on my own since then. My late wife's family has always been great in helping me out, however, and we went to family functions regularly before Covid19."
"My sister-in-law would always take them to a salon that specialized in Black women's hair whenever they needed it, and she also regularly helped them out, so I never really learned how to help them with it."
"Unfortunately, my sister-in-law is also a healthcare worker, and when Covid19 hit, she moved 4 hours away because she specialized in something to do with covid19 and they needed her in that area."
"Furthermore, the salons have been periodically closing and reopening and it is hard for me to get appointments."
"On top of this all, I am a manager at my job and we were trying to get all of our clients and employees set up for online work so that we could continue to be productive and the increased workload has had me working an average of 60-70 hours a week for the first few months of the pandemic."
"Well 2 of my girls hair started to get really matted and it basically came down to the fact that I was not keeping up with things, I admit."
"Their hair was getting out of control so I just decided to cut it by myself and figured it would grow back by the time they got back to school and stuff. I cut it really short, but it did not look too bad as I was following a YouTube video."
"This was months ago now, but my oldest daughter is still upset about it because she had really long hair before and her hair takes longer to grow. My sister-in-law finally came back about a month ago and is continuing to help my daughters once again."
"However, the other day when she was at my house, my SIL asked my oldest daughter why they decided to cut their hair so short and she responded with the whole story about how their hair got matted and their dad (me) made them."
"Well my SIL was angry and implied in front of my daughters that because I was White, I couldn't understand them (my SIL is really into social justice)."
"I yelled at her because I really try my best to fight racial stereotypes and stuff, and I certainly don't want my kids to think that I love them less because of their color."
"While we did apologize to each other, she still claimed I was wrong for cutting their hair."
"AITA for cutting my daughters' hair really short because I didn't know what else to do?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided unanimously OP was the a**hole.
"YTA. Your wife died 4 years ago. Not 4 days, 4 weeks or 4 months."
"FOUR YEARS. So what's your excuse for never bothering to learn to take care of your children?"
"The pandemic is only an excuse for recent history."
"Your oldest at 8 has had you as her only parent for half her life. Your 6 and 5 year-old daughters have spent most of their lives with you as their only parent."
"In the middle of a pandemic you just showed them you don't care enough about them to do even the most basic of grooming. Instead of doing what was best for them, you did what was most convenient for you."
"Just like you've been doing for the last 4 years. Stop saying you're raising them alone if you can't handle even routine maintenance."
"A responsible parent raising them alone would have bothered to learn how to care for them 4 years ago or found a way to make it work during a pandemic."
"Be honest with yourself. You've been co-parenting with your wife's family."
"Time to learn how to be a parent or let the girls stay with their co-parents next time their needs inconvenience you." ~ LakotaGrl
"YTA. You could use YouTube to figure out how to cut it, but not how to care for it?"
"You wanted the easy way out and didn't stop to think about the message you were sending your daughters - that their hair is a problem and you can't be bothered with it." ~ Elle_Vetica
"Seriously OP, you've had eight years. Four of them on your own."
"And you couldn't be arsed to figure anything out besides 'make wife, SIL or a salon handle it' until the pandemic made you?"
"What would you have done if the salon went out of business in the meantime, or heaven forbid if something happened to your SIL too?"
"Not only was this something you can and should have figured out, it's something you should have learned a long time ago." ~ calliatom
"But he really tried to fight racial stereotypes and stuff."
"YTA OP. Not only have you had 8 years since your first child was born, you had longer time than that before getting to the point of marrying your wife to learn about that stuff." ~ Waury
"At 8 she's old enough to start learning how to take care of her own hair. This could have been an incredible bonding experience if dad had learned and then helped his kids learn how to take care of their own hair." ~ Elizabeth_Sparrow
"Or he could've taken her to a salon and asked them to help figure out a hairstyle that the daughter could maintain."
"He had options besides just chopping off all her hair, ffs." ~ harbjnger
"Exactly. For most little girls (adult women, too, really) hair is kind of their crowning jewel."
"Chopping it off for no good reason besides 'Eh, can't be bothered to keep it up' is cruel."
"And hair care is part of basic hygiene. He's treating it like a privilege."
"It should have never been allowed to get all matted." ~ Elizabeth_Sparrow
"Plus, it can be traumatic for a child to have their long hair cut extremely short. It's a huge breach of trust and bodily autonomy." ~ Foreign_Astronaut
"Can confirm. It's traumatic."
"Asked for shoulder length, ended up with an uneven bob cut because of chatty stylist, then had to cut it to a pixie to correct."
"I was 8 and I wanted to die I hated my hair so much." ~ Catezero
"You say that you 'fight racial stereotypes and stuff', yet you included this disclaimer (in parentheses) that your SIL is 'really into social justice' as if to negate her argument and show how unreasonable she was being.
"You CAN'T understand what it's like to be a Black girl, because you ARE a White man. Full stop."
"Your SIL being 'really into social justice' has NOTHING to do with this argument, and is 100% stating the facts as they are presented."
"YTA. Don't you ever yell at any woman, especially one trying to help your children." ~ Frivolous-Sal
"The only rationale was 'this is the easiest option for me, so I'll do this'."
"Not another moment of thought was given." ~ lurkylurkeroo
"Hopping on this to say that the anti Blackness here was LOUD AND CLEAR. Way to punish your girls for being Black." ~ StarStuffSister
"With all the 'curly girl' tutorials out there, he chose to solve a problem that he created with scissors."
"Sorry buddy, YTA." ~ Cuteanimalsmakemecry
"And there are specifically videos out there by dads showing other dads how to do their Black/biracial daughters' hair."
"The fact that he chose instead to spend his time learning how to chop it off speaks volumes." ~ pray4mojo2020
"Heck, isn't he the, 'I'm not racist, I have a Black friend' type, so why don't he go holla at that Black friend to recommend someone?" ~ minahmyu
"YTA. They're your children."
"It was generous of your SIL to help as much as she has, but you should have been paying attention to what she was doing so you could manage without her."
"She is not the parent - you are. And she was right to chew you out for this."
"You owe her and your kids an apology. It's long past time for you to learn how to groom your kids."
"Frankly I don't know how you're not utterly humiliated to be this ignorant after so many years." ~ DiTrastevere
"YTA. Absolutely. That's an awful thing to do to your kids."
"Forcing your children to have a hairstyle they don't want is violating their bodily autonomy. You had a responsibility to take care of them - and their hair!"
"Yes, it's a lot of work. Welcome to having kids."
"For a lot of Black and biracial people, hair is an absolutely integral part of their identity."
"You failed to take that into account, in large part because of your skin colour and the fact that you apparently don't understand your kids' experiences and put your own convenience ahead of their needs." ~ lilianet
"YTA. Don't have kids with Black people if you dont know and are unwilling to learn how to care for Black hair."
"You're telling me in the 4 years since your wife passed you never took any of them to a salon for Black hair on your own? You never figured out how to at least put a comb through it so it didn't get matted?"
"There's no excuse for that and that's ignoring the time between the birth of your first child and your wife's passing that you never asked her how their hair works."
"In that time you couldn't Google 'how to style Black hair' but somehow you could find a tutorial to shave it all off. You should be ashamed of yourself for failing your daughters."
"Do better." ~ ultimate_hamburglar
"YTA. Your daughters are probably going to grow up, learn more about racism, and understand this incident through a newly traumatic lens."
"Black hair is heavy stuff culturally and their White father couldn't be bothered to learn so he cut it off. My heart hurts for them." ~ napsXfactsXsnacks
The dad did not provide any updates and only one comment on his post—to explain his job:
"I spend most of my time on the computer for my job... and I don't work those hours now... but did when the pandemic started."
Without feedback from the OP, it's unclear if he got the message from Redditors.
When AITA unanimously tells you you're the a**hole, the message should be very clear.
But you have to be willing to listen.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp