There's little more stressful than the possibility of cancelling a trip.
After all, one can't help but be disappointed at the prospect of having to call off something that might have taken months of planning and saving.
Of course, sometimes we really have no other choice, no matter how much we were looking forward to it.
Even if we might look for every possible reason to justify moving forward with the trip.
Redditor Additional_Way_2101was looking forward to an upcoming family vacation.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)'s wife wasn't sure if she would be capable of joining them.
While the OP sympathized with his wife, he was also determined to go on this vacation with their daughter, even if it meant leaving his wife at home.
Wondering if he would be wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for telling my wife my daughter and I are going on vacation with or without her."
The OP explained why he was determined to go on an upcoming vacation, even without his wife:
"I (45 M[ale]) and my wife (40 F[emale]) (married 15 years) have not had a great relationship with my family."
"Recently an opportunity arose allowing us all to go to Hawaii for 10 days."
"We are from the Midwest and not rich by any means so this is most likely our last/only opportunity to go visit the islands."
"Our flights and lodging would be paid for, we just have to pay for our food, acitivies and local travel (car rental, Uber, etc)."
"Our daughter (6, will be 7 before the trip) loves everybody, and especially one of the cousins that would be going on the trip."
"My wife has always had anxiety issues and specifically flight anxiety."
"A week after saying she would go has started having panic attacks and crying fits because she 'cannot do this long of a flight' I tell her that is fine, however, our daughter and I are going because this is my last opportunity to go and may be our daughters only chance."
"Wife says she cannot go that long without our daughter which causes her more anxiety."
"I suggested going to the doctor to ask for medication to help with the flight when it happens (March), but she is suffering now, when I suggest asking the doctor about meds for now she says that she would then have anxiety about the withdrawal symptoms of coming off those medications after the trip."
"This is really the only time I have made a decision like this and was unwilling to move off of it."
"I feel horrible for my wife, but I also believe it's best for my daughter."
"Wife and daughter have both flown before."
"This past February was my daughter's first plane tri,p and she did amazing."
"My wife was nervous but handled the 2-hour trip just fine."
"No overwhelming anxiety or panic attacks."
"That trip was to Disney World with the same people and family that the Hawaii trip is planned with."
"The issue with my family is feelings both my wife and I share, not her solely her issues with my family, our issues with them."
"To be broad about the situation, they have been less than ideal in key moments in my life."
"So AITAH and should rethink going on this trip without my wife, or should I keep the tickets hoping she will go with us and if she doesn't go keep in contact with her via FaceTime and pictures?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP would not be the a**hole for going to Hawaii without his wife.
While nearly everyone agreed that the anxiety of the OP's wife seemed to be a serious issue that should be looked into further, they also agreed that the OP's daughter shouldn't be deprived of this experience:
"NTA."
"Her anxiety is a real issue, but it's not fair for her to hold your daughter back from a once-in-a-lifetime experience."
"The fear of withdrawal from a short-term prescription sounds like an excuse to avoid dealing with the actual problem."
"You're doing the right thing for your kid."- iamderangedwolf
"NTA."
"Her anxiety is her issue, and her daughter's life should not be negatively impacted by it."- spirosoflondon
"Your wife's anxiety is valid, but she's had plenty of time to address it before the trip in March."
"This is a rare opportunity for your daughter to experience Hawaii and bond with family."
"Maybe suggest your wife talk to a therapist who specializes in flight anxiety rather than just medication?"
"There are specific techniques they teach for this exact situation."
"Either way, don't let your daughter miss out on memories she could cherish forever just because your wife refuses to get help for her anxiety."
"The fact that she's rejecting all solutions makes me think there might be something else going on."
"NTA."- bodoboi
"NTA."
"Your daughter shouldn't have to suffer and miss out on quality time with family, a trip of a lifetime & amazing quality time with you!"
"Just because of a health condition, your wife is refusing to take accountability for and manage."
"This is on her."- Spilldbeanz99
"NTA."
"Your wife sure has anxiety issues."
"It's not even about the flight itself."
"On a side note: it might not even be anxiety, but manipulation."
"You said you haven't had a great relationship with your family, so maybe your wife overplays her anxiety in order to keep you guys from going?"
"Is it possible that she tries to keep you from the family she can not stand?"
"You said this might be a once-in-a-lifetime chance for you."
"What your wife is probably unintentionally doing here: causing you to have growing resentment towards her, as every solution you bring up is immediately being shot down."
"Trip to Hawaii?"
"No!"
"Wife has scare of flying."
"Get medication?"
"No!"
"Wife is scared now!"
"Ask the doctor?"
"No!"
"Get medication for scare now?"
"No!"
"Stay behind, and OP travels with daughter?"
"No!"
"Wife can't be without her daughter!"
"Only solution: miss out on the trip, grow resentment towards your wife!"
"I bet she did not even realize that danger!"- Top-Spite-1288
"NTA."
"Your wife knows that she has anxiety but is unwilling to do anything about it."
"Allowing your condition to dictate your life's choices when there are obvious solutions is cowardice."
"Don't let your wife's cowardice spoil this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you."-KronkLaSworda
"NTA."
"I, too, suffer from flight anxiety and was very anxious for the flight when we went to Hawaii."
"It was 6 hours for me, and that was the longest flight I've been on yet."
"I took Dramamine right before takeoff."
'I had a great nap, and before I knew it, we were there."
"It helped me so much."- Common-Edge5951
"NTA."
"This trip would be next March 2026?"
"So, wife has at least six months to see a doctor and discuss her anxiety."
"Your wife's anxiety cannot control your lives, and right now, she is letting it do so."
"Your child is only 7."
"If she cannot be without her for 10 days, what is your wife going to do as she grows and does not want to be around mom 24/7?"
"I would not ask, I would demand that she sees a doctor, and I don't think she would come off any medication anytime soon if it is prescribed."- Worth-Season3645
The OP later returned with an update, sharing where things stood after discussing this matter further with his wife:
"On lunch, I talked with my wife; this conversation went way better than last night during the panic attack."
"Much calmer and she was much more receptive to suggestions."
"I suggested therapy again and was met with 'we cannot afford it' and I countered with 'I will find a way to afford it so you can have the tools you need to process your anxiety'."
"Then, with what we don't have time, to which I replied, I have vacation days and a boss who is super flexible with my working hours."
"The mentioned talking to her pcp about taking another look at her medications, to which she has an appointment later this month for a general checkup, and said she will talk to the doctor then about the medications and her anxiety."
"Thanks to this thread, I even mentioned CBD, which I didn't get a reaction, but that could be a good thing as it wasn't an outright refusal."
"So no real decisions have been made, but I did get some really good points made to me on here."
'Some guiding me on how to approach her on this and how she may feel in order to empathize."
"Some posts encouraging me that holding a boundary for the first time is difficult and uncomfortable."
"Some posts offering suggestions on different approaches to suggest to her to help cope."
It seems clear that the fear of flying from the OP's wife stems from a much bigger issue that she will need professional help to solve.
However, it wouldn't be fair to anyone if the OP and their daughter cancelled the trip to Hawaii before these issues were solved.
Who knows, perhaps seeing how she feels missing out on this once-in-a-lifetime experience might be just what she needs to overcome her fear of flying.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp