Raising children can be difficult.
Beyond the costs and time constraints, I have never met anyone who could push me emotionally the way my children do.
They seem to instinctively know what to say and when for the best emotional payoff – especially when tensions are high.
Of course, having control of oneself is paramount in these situations but is sometimes in short supply.
So what do you do when you feel that you’ve gone too far?
That was the question faced by Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Iliketodance3342 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions.
She asked:
“AITA for throwing my husband out of the house when he told my daughter she was supposed to be aborted?”
First, the background.
“Ok, some backstory.”
“I’m a 30-year-old female and I found out I was pregnant went I was 15.”
“I was impregnated by my husband of 5 years now.”
“I was talking to him about aborting the baby since I wasn’t sure if I would be able to support my baby but I decided not to.”
“I didn’t have the heart to.”
OP then explained the situation at hand.
“So going back to now we got a note saying that she’s failing math and that she now has to attend tutoring and Saturday academy to have a chance at passing the STAAR.”
“We started lecturing her. She said that she doesn’t care that she’s failing.”
“My husband got really mad and yelled at her.”
“Saying she was being a brat. She said that he should go f*ck himself.”
“I was about to step in when he said ‘Oh shut up! Your mother was going to abort you!’ “
“She just got quiet I yelled at my husband asking how could he say that to her and threw him out of the house for the night.”
“My sister said that I shouldn’t have thrown him out and that what he did was out of rage and that what I did was way too harsh.”
She was left to wonder.
“So I feel like I might be an a**hole.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some had words of encouragement.
“Nope.”
“NTA.”
“She can never unhear that from her own father.”
“What a wicked thing to say in anger.”
“You should have a calm and quiet talk with her, saying that you were really young and scared, but you just couldn’t do it and you’re glad every day that you didn’t.”
“Also it’s probably a good idea to get her in therapy.”
“I’m sorry your hu” ~ TresWhat
Others ruled for Honesty.
“The first thing the daughter is going to do once she’s calmed down is ask her mom if it’s true.”
“Lying will only create more problems and trust issues, but explaining in a thoughtful way about her thought process during a major life-changing event at the age the daughter is herself?”
“That should only increase the bond and understanding with OP.”
“As a teenager, I had very open conversations with my mom about her thoughts and choices.”
“It created more trust, understanding and love between us.”
“Never ever did it make me feel unwanted, more the opposite, because the concious and well thought through choice my mom made was to have me, love me, raise me…”
“Ok I’m gonna go text my mom now :’)” ~ lurker-deluxe
And,
“I back to this fully; my kids always knew that I was in my teens when I met their dad, it’s been no secret that I was pregnant before marriage.”
“And I have vocally advocated for them waiting until adulthood to have their own kids.”
“And we have all had those conversations about how much choice I actually had as an underage mother in Utah.”
“I was clear about the things that sucked, but equally clear that I considered it worthwhile because I love them.”
“And if I wanted an abortion, I could have asked my dad, who would have been upset but would have supported my decision.”
“Unplanned and unexpected, but not unwanted.”
“You cannot lie to your kids about this, especially if you expect them to fully consider all their options if they have an unplanned pregnancy.” ~lyan-cat
There were personal stories.
“God dude I am male and hate this sh*t so godd*mn much.”
“I hate that I was the one to teach my father this after he was absent from my life for 17 years.”
“Motherf*cker would get mad then yell the worst shit at me then say ‘when I’m mad I just see red’.”
“So I kept saying ‘if you cant control yourself then you’re the weakest kind of little b*tch.’ when he got mad and eventually that little b*tch associated red mad with hurt ego and started controlling his f*cking self.”
“I hate the concept so much I almost got physical with him countless times.”
“I was so ready to beat his ass for everything he’s ever done and I almost always made it known exactly why I was ready to beat him down and to fucking try it.”Â
“He never did.” ~ItsPowee
Some pointed out that caring for her daughter is the most important thing right now.
“Absolutely agree.”
“OP was in the right here.”
“It doesn’t matter if your child started screaming and destroying the furniture, no amount of brattiness would ever warrant a parent telling that to their child.”
“This was undoubtedly extremely scarring if not traumatizing for her to hear.”
“Her entire view of him and her own relationship with her family could change because of this.”
“OP, NTA and you’re great for that, but you also need to focus on your daughter right now.”
“Your husband is clearly an ass, but I’m more concerned about how your daughter is coping right now.”
“I would suggest sitting down with her and having a long talk with her, reminding her that she is loved and wanted and nothing could change that.”
“Due to your husband’s a**holery, you have some damage control to do here.”
“Also, I’d seriously consider if I would want to stay married to someone who throws a potential abortion in their child’s face.”
“NTA.” ~ LowImagination3028
And,
“NTA.”
“Your spouse just implied to your daughter that her failing grades and attitude were enough reason for him to weaponize that she could have not existed at all, and maybe that would like have been a good thing.”
“Your spouse connected your daughter’s performance in school and general pleasantness as essential elements to her deserving to exist and that if she didn’t have these things, that he should remind her she should be lucky she exists at all.”
“As a mental health professional, your daughter is going to need A LOT of counseling to detangle her own value as a human, with her ability to perform for others.”
“She may internalize that she needs to ‘earn’ her own value or become discouraged and exhausted if she never measures up.”
“But mother, please hear me.”
“You did the most important thing any parent can you. You showed her she has innate worth, that no one gets to take that away, and that you will fight for her when anyone tries to.”
“In the midst of her grief, she was not abandoned.”
“Once again, like the day you first choose her, you chose your daughter’s life as most important in the world.”
“Knowing she has you in her corner is going to be the foundational security and attachment she needs right now.”
“Do not feel bad.”
“Your husband is an adult, he can fend for himself.”
“Your child is a CHILD, chaotically organizing who they are and what their values are while trying to adapt to an ever-changing global landscape with standardized testing, terrible economic prospects and cyberbullying. She needs you.”
“This has weight, coming from a mental health professional with a research focus on trauma and the adult manifestations of childhood trauma, I am so very very proud of you.”
“She will be too one day. Good job, mom. Good job!” ~ justsomepsychologist
Or,
“Hijacking the top comment to point out that OP’s daughter might be depressed/struggling with something outside of school work if she said she’s alright with failing.”
“I would try to have a heart to heart with your daughter.”
“One to solidify her belief that she is loved and wanted (bc of husband’s disgusting comment) and also to touch base with her and see if she is hurting (or being physically/emotionally hurt by someone) because I’ve been there and at that age it is incredibly difficult to ask for help.”
“You should clearly lose the husband, I just don’t want you to lose your daughter too.” ~ antifreezeontherocks
OP did return with a final thought.
“We both pitch in for the rent. He started out yelling saying he wasn’t going to go and kept trying to stay eventually I had to push him out and lock the door.”
Being a parent means being able to have difficult conversations with your children when you absolutely do not want to.
Even when your anger is deserved, even when you’re seeing red.
Especially then.
Be careful with those in your care, and always rise to their defense when someone else isn’t so cautious.