It's often said that it takes a village to raise children.
Parents need all of the help they can get.
But some parents can rely on others a little too often and a little too much.
This doesn't always sit well with the villagers.
Redditor DominicDonkey88 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"WIBTA If I tell my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] I prefer to look after my own kids, not hers?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm (40 M[ale]) a father of 3."
"My SIL (27 F[emale]) and her husband (27 M) had their first kid 2 years ago."
"She's my wife's sister, and we tend to see each other at least once a month for family events."
"For my wife and me, we manage our kids ourselves."
"If we go somewhere, one of us is always keeping an eye on them, making sure they're not getting into trouble - especially making sure the youngest (a toddler) is safe - changing her if necessary, refilling her sippy cup, stuff like that."
"It's our job."
"If something happens, one of us pops up and takes care of it."
"SIL and her husband take a different approach and are frequently asking for help."
"If we're all eating dinner and their kid has a poopy diaper, they'll sometimes get it, sometimes turn to one of us and ask, 'Would you mind?'"
"The other day, I'm at a party and just came back inside after getting something for my kids, ready to sit down to eat, and SIL asks, '[Baby] left her sippy cup upstairs - would you mind getting it?'"
"She and her husband are both sitting down and perfectly capable."
"It's not like they've asked a few times when they're overwhelmed or there's only one of them - there's been times one of them is lying on a couch reading a book and asks me for something."
"It's not like what they ask for anything I'd consider a huge inconvenience, so I feel petty saying something - but part of me just wants to say 'Look, my wife and I are responsible for our kids - you're responsible for yours. I don't ask you to change our kids' diapers or grab their sippy cups from the next room, don't ask me.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"WIBTA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. In my family, we'd be asking, 'Are your legs broken?'" ~ Salty-Initiative-242
"YWNBTA - But you don't need to qualify your statement."
"Chances are it would make everyone awkward due to the shock factor of them being told no, and them later victimizing themselves and painting you as the bad guy."
"Try this instead..."
"Them: Can you go upstairs and get X's sippy cup?"
"You: No thanks, I'm so ready to eat. (Sits down, and looks at wife, and ends the convo with SIL by starting one with wife). "
"'Insert random question, comment, or statement here.'"
"No fuss, no drama, no way for them to use it against you." ~ Reasonable-Bad-769
"NTA. People like that get very comfortable allowing others to do for them, and then it becomes an expectation and a bad habit down the line."
"Little things start to become very big things with entitled behavior."
"It would be one thing if she reciprocated that energy when it came to your children, but clearly that's not the issue.'
"I would've said, 'No, sorry, I'm actually getting ready to eat.'"
"I might have told the B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw], 'Hey, your wife needs you to go grab the sippy cup, ' or not said anything at all and went and ate."
"Nip that behavior in the bud now, so they can actually parent their children even when they're around other people." ~ Fickle-Cabinet3956
"NTA. I cannot imagine asking someone to change my child or get something for him when his dad and I are both present and available." ~ Thegetupkids678
"Your wife should be the one pushing back on her sibling because she can be ruder without the same level of consequences."
"Because she can say, 'Are your legs broken?'"
"And she won't get the same reaction as you saying it."
"I have no problem being viewed as petty, and I have a well-known hard rule about dirty diapers."
"Nope. I don't do that."
"I'd never ask someone to do stuff I can do for myself, but clearly she thinks she's a manager, not a parent."
"Push back, who cares if they don't like it?" ~ o2low
"You need to talk to your wife about this."
"Her family might be an 'everyone chips in/it takes a village' family."
"How does your wife react when little favors are asked of her?"
"Do your M[other]-I[n]-[aw]L/F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] also get asked?"
"If anything gets said, your wife needs to take it on."
"There is NO way that you don't come off as an AH if you say something." ~ No_Bed_2437
"NTA. When you're a parent, you know taking care of your own kids is just part of the job."
"You're not your SIL's or her husband's personal assistant or babysitter."
"Asking you to grab stuff or change diapers when they're perfectly capable is over the line."
"Setting boundaries might be what they need to start stepping up." ~ No-Performance5432
"I had been dating my now-husband for about a year, and his family (parents, siblings, and spouses, and SIL's toddlers) went to Vegas, and they invited me."
"After dinner, we were all strolling the Strip, and the SIL (only one with kids at the time) said to me, 'Hey, want to push the stroller?'"
"She already had a history of pushing evvvvveerrryyyyything to her mom, and while I was new, it rubbed me the wrong way."
"So without thinking, I blurted, 'They're not my kids."'
"Entire family lost their sh*t laughing."
"Pretty sure that's the day they decided to keep me, and we never got asked to babysit or do other s**t."
"Not our fault, she stupidly had kids too young."
"Oh, YWNBTA." ~ MyCatSpellsBetter
"YWNBTA... If you don't set a boundary now, they'll continue behaving like this until their child (or children by then) are adults."
"How it's received will depend on the tone used."
"Try saying it in a more jovial way and hope they take the hint." ~ RoyallyOakie
"Talk to your wife first... this is HER sister."
"Consider the historical family dynamics."
"Has your wife always been the 'Cinderella' sister?"
"You know, the one who is expected to do everything for her siblings?"
"Honestly, this sounds like SIL is the baby of the family who never had to do anything because an older sibling was there to do it for her."
"If your wife wants to serve her sister, then every time SIL asks you to do something, say 'ask your sister.'"
"If your wife is tired of this (and I certainly would be), then work with your wife on how to handle it."
"If you just suddenly come out with 'Raise your own kid, ' then your wife may be upset."
"NTA, figure out a way to handle it without putting your wife in the middle of the resulting drama." ~ ArreniaQ
"NTA. I know some people seem to have a disconnect when it comes to kids, but in fact, it is not the child asking you for a favor; it is your SIL."
"If you were babysitting her kid, of course, you would change the diaper or get their cup."
"Adult me always wants to be a good host, so I will jump up and get people stuff. "
"I might grab the diaper bag for them, but I don't change diapers anymore."
"I grew up in a big family."
"Younger me would have said, 'Are your legs broken?' 'No.' - 'Then, no.'" ~ 1962MichaelYou would
"NBTA at all."
"I would say, instead of being confrontational about it, why don't you use the same tactics that they use?"
"You have 3 kids, you'd be asking them, 'Do you mind?'"
"Often enough to get the message across!"
"You could even use it on their kid - 'Oh, SIL, do you mind taking care of your kid's sippy cup?'" ~ uTop-Artichoke5020
"NTA, asking someone else to clean your baby's poop during dinner is just plain WRONG!"
"My bro would've laughed at me and told me he's not responsible for my self-inflicted problems."
"Talk to her and explain the problem."
"People with 1st babies can be really needy and obnoxious." ~ Calm_Negotiation_225
"NTA for not wanting to do it. Wording is important, though."
"You don't need to be rude when delivering the message that they can do these simple tasks themselves."
"I could be wrong or off base, but maybe they don't get many breaks from their kid, and this is the only time they have other ppl around that may help a bit?"
"Or maybe they're just lazy." ~ QuirkyFunUsername
"NTA, but is this just a repost reworded?"
"There was a post nearly IDENTICAL a few weeks ago, and the only detail that was different was that instead of SIL asking for a sippy cup, it was to change the baby's diaper." ~ immadriftersbody
"NTA. I'm not saying people should never help parents, certainly not if they actually need it, but go**amn, I hate when parents act like their kids are everyone's responsibility."
"I don't have kids by choice, don't inflict your on me." ~5PeeBeejay5
"NTA. You simply reply, yes, in fact, I would mind."
"I'm about to (insert activity here)."
"Say it politely and move on."
"Rinse and repeat."
"Sounds like they don't want to be inconvenienced, so they would rather inconvenience someone else."
"If you just keep doing it, they will eventually get the message." ~ bmw5986
"I'm going to go with NAH - they can ASK anything they want, you have the right to REFUSE."
"You don't need to blow up the relationship by confronting them, just say No." ~ Formal_Cap_1324
Reddit has you back, OP.
You're not a butler or a babysitter.
Your SIL and BIL are taking advantage.
You have every right to speak up.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp