Coordinating and planning a big wedding can lead to a lof of big problems to tackle.
But a small wedding—or just eloping—comes with issues as well.
For some reason, people who aren’t the couple getting married feel a sense of ownership over the ceremony and any celebration around it. People feel entitled to an invitation.
turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Powerful-Bug-7639 asked:
“AITA for not inviting my dad’s partner to my micro ‘wedding’ dinner, and for not reaching out to her first to explain why?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My partner and I are getting married this summer, and we’ve decided to essentially elope. We’re going to have a private ceremony just the two of us during our honeymoon.”
“Not only does this align very much with who we are, so no one in our life is very surprised by this, but we’re also doing it because: 1. our families live scattered across the world and a larger event would mean leaving a lot of people out, and 2. We want to avoid drama.”
“However, what we do want to do is get dressed up, take photos, and have a dinner together with our immediate families. So essentially, a micro non-wedding celebration. This is where the issues start.”
“So I told my parents I wanted to have this small event with just them, my partner, and my sister (not including any of their partners). My parents went through a nasty divorce when I was in my teens, and for several reasons that I explained to them I wanted an intimate event just the five of us.”
“We visited my partner’s family recently and did the whole mini event with them then. They live too far to come for this dinner. Only his parents and his siblings were invited to join us.”
“My mom was fully supportive, saying she can understand why this would be so meaningful for me. My dad understood too.”
“But he wanted me to be the one to break the news to his partner (54, female). I didn’t think I had to, because it’s not like I’m calling every single other family member who isn’t invited to explain this decision.”
“But I said that if she’s upset, she’s more than welcome to call me and we can talk about it. His partner is very sensitive, and we’ve clashed a lot over the years because I don’t think she’s ever been fully willing to understand the nuances of coming into a family after a divorce.”
“Their relationship started shortly after the divorce, and she tried to parent both my sister and I (who were teens/pre-teens) from the get-go. They’re not married and I was in my teens. I didn’t need another parent.
“But even though we’re not close, I’ve done my best to otherwise be welcoming and kind.”
“Well, now he’s told her and all hell has broken lose. She’s completely beside herself, and he wants me to mitigate the issue and reach out.”
“I’ve reiterated that she’s free to call me—if she can’t possibly understand why this is about me and not her (and I can understand she’s disappointed, but so is, I assume, everyone else) then she should reach out to me.”
“AITA for not inviting her, and for not breaking the news to her, and for refusing to be the first person to reach out here to resolve this?”
“I can kind of see my dad’s point, who says I should be extra mindful of her since she is a sensitive person who has had a hard time accepting we’re not very close and takes this personally.”
“However, at the same time, I don’t think I’m responsible for her feelings or for cleaning up this ‘mess.’ I also believe in the idea of ‘my wedding, my choice’.”
“I have an incredibly hard time expressing my needs and feelings to my parents. This is the first time I’ve actually made something about myself, and asked them to recognize my needs.”
“Go figure that’s when it blows up. But I’m trying to break my own toxic cycles of putting other people first.”
“My dad actually tried to suggest that me reaching out to her first would be a sign of MY emotional intelligence.”
“To me, her ability to come to an understanding of her own (knowing our family history well) of why I’m doing this—and that it’s not about her—would be a sign of HER emotional intelligence.”
The OP later added:
“I recognize their relationships every day of my life. I celebrate their relationships, I accommodate their relationships, I’m otherwise welcoming and kind.”
“My sister and I can’t even ask our dad for some alone time with just him because she’ll feel left out. We don’t have this issue with my mom’s partner—hell, my mom decides this for herself.”
“We’ve accommodated her when she:”
“Decided we weren’t dressing nicely enough the first time we spent Christmas together and she asked my dad to tell me to put a sweater on over a tank top—we spend Christmas in sweats, her family dresses to the 9’s—after I’d just finished a long shift at work and just wanted to be comfortable. I was 16.”
“Tried to dictate what kind of movies my younger sister was allowed to watch.”
“Decided we will never eat dinner in the living room while we watch a movie together, which is something we always used to do.”
“Said my sister was not allowed to play horror video games because it was too horrifying for her if she had to pass the TV room to get to their bedroom.”
“The list goes on. These examples are obviously from many years ago, but none of us live together anymore for similar problems to arise.”
“Honestly, this massively contributes to my decision to do this. I want to relax during this dinner and spend some quality time with my immediate family. We haven’t done this in 15 years.”
“I asked both my parents and my sister if they were OK with this set up and if they could see my side of things, and they all said yes.”
“My parents handled the divorce terribly, and the way my dad has handled inviting this woman into our lives (and how she has behaved after) has been almost as bad.”
“I thought for once, for my wedding, I could be the one with expectations.”
“As an adult now, even with no kids, if I entered into a relationship where my significant other had kids (and especially during a messy time), I would have acted very differently.”
“Maybe it’s because I’ve gone through something that my dad’s partner hasn’t, but it kind of feels like common sense in many ways.”
“She’s very rigid in her opinions and what she feels is right—and I honestly think she has a hard time understanding others’ perspectives, which is why I think she’s taking this personally and not considering what this means for me.”
“She was even there for the divorce messiness, so you’d think she’d be more understanding.”
“I just want a dinner with my sister, my mother, my father, and my partner. It’s not like she’s been singled out, but she’s the only one having a fit.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I decided to only invite my divorced parents and my sister to my micro-‘wedding’ dinner, and not their new partners, because I wanted it to be especially intimate. My dad wanted me to break the news to his partner who would be upset.”
“I didn’t, so he told her, and she is now incredibly upset and my dad wants me to reach out to her to mitigate this.”
“I may be the a**hole for not telling her initially and for not calling her after because I know she is especially sensitive and likely takes this personally, and it really just is a phone call.”
“However, by calling and mitigating this I feel as though I am becoming responsible for her feelings, which I don’t believe I am.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Your mom’s partner and your sister’s partner aren’t invited either. If dad’s partner is taking such personal offense to something that obviously isn’t actually about her, that’s her problem, not yours.”
“Especially since you already had an identical dinner with your partner’s family. She’s clearly not been singled out.”
“Why do she and your dad think she’s so special?”
“Insane that they expect you (assuming 20s or 30s) to be all grown up and talk to her, but can’t expect a whole person in their 50s to grow up and respect other people’s wishes.” ~ m33chm
“Tell your dad this day is about you and your future spouse. Your feelings (and spouse) are all you’re concerned about.”
“That you are sick and tired of having to tiptoe around the feelings of a 54-year-old toddler because she’s ‘sensitive.’ Tell him her feelings are HIS problem because she is his to deal with and shame on him for trying to put his partner’s tantrums on you to handle.” ~ brerosie33
“I hate when anyone like this is referred to as sensitive. I’m a sensitive person. Sensitivity means you are hyper-aware of your feelings, as well as OTHER people’s.”
“It actually makes you less likely to put your feelings on other people because you are considering everyone’s viewpoint in a situation.”
“Self-centered people like this that throw tantrums and hold everyone else hostage are not sensitive. They are emotionally immature and selfish.”
“This woman is almost 60 years old. She should be embarrassed, and her husband needs to set boundaries so she stops bullying his children.” ~ Chaoskitten13
“She’s not sensitive like a butterfly’s wing. She’s sensitive like a land mine.” ~ RickRussellTX
This is Dad’s significant other.
Her problems are his problems and no one else’s.