Everyone carries with them their own beliefs about religion, with some of those beliefs and opinions being more compatible than others.
But a person absolutely should not try to force their beliefs on their romantic partner, no matter how important it is to them that they remain “compatible,” pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor NervousCandle0010 had been dating a guy for about two months and thought everything was going well. So when he invited her out for a special afternoon, she didn’t think twice.
But when he took her to a Jehovah’s Witness gathering without warning her, the Original Poster (OP) felt conflicted, especially when he started coaching her on her feelings.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by feeling weird about my boyfriend (20 Male) taking me (18 Female) to a Jehovah’s Witness meeting without telling me first?”
The OP had a tough conversation with her boyfriend after attending a Jehovah’s Witness meeting.
The boyfriend reached out after a quiet day:
“Hey, you’ve been quiet all day… you haven’t returned any of my calls.”
“Is everything okay?”
The OP admitted her concern:
“Sorry, I’m fine, I just needed a little time to think about last night.”
The OP’s boyfriend was surprised.
“The meeting part? I thought you enjoyed it, babe.”
The OP wasn’t convinced.
“Yea, it was okay, I guess.”
“I thought this surprise would maybe be something more casual, like a dinner or a film, not this, to be honest.”
The OP’s boyfriend pressed the issue.
“It was a surprise, though… a good one.”
“I wanted to show you something really personal, something that’s important to me. I thought this is part of the getting to know each other thing.”
The OP still wasn’t sure.
“I get that and I guess that makes sense.”
“But I didn’t even know you were Jehovah’s Witness, and you didn’t even tell me until you took me there.”
“I felt like you should have told me, you know?”
The OP’s boyfriend continued to insist everything was fine.
“I didn’t mean to hide it… It just never came up naturally. I thought it would be better if you saw it for yourself instead of believing what people say about it.”
The OP was still hesitant.
“I don’t know, I just feel caught off-guard.”
“And I didn’t know anyone.”
The OP’s boyfriend insisted that she had fit right in.
“Yes, but you were amazing honestly. Everyone noticed how warm and kind you are.”
“And they loved meeting you.”
“I’m not joking, babe. They were all fond of you.”
The OP still felt out of place.
“Thanks, I appreciate it. It’s just that I felt a little out of place, you know?”
The OP’s boyfriend reassured her.
“That’s because it’s a new experience for you and that’s okay.”
The OP still felt uncomfortable.
“Maybe I was a little uncomfortable, too.”
But “uncomfortable” wasn’t what the OP’s boyfriend would call it.
“You weren’t uncomfortable, really…”
“You just didn’t know and now you do, and the night went great.”
“Wouldn’t you agree?”
The OP tried to be agreeable.
“I guess so.”
The OP’s boyfriend pressed the issue.
“You could’ve left anytime, but you didn’t, and that’s because you were open to understanding something new, and that says a lot about you, babe.”
The OP felt reassured.
“I didn’t see it that way, so thank you.”
The OP’s boyfriend didn’t want her to think about it too much.
“I’m proud of you for giving it a chance. Don’t overthink it, please.”
The conversation over text didn’t make the OP feel better.
“We have been dating for about two months. He’s really sweet and spoils me.”
“However, I’m still irked, and something feels off, and I just can’t let it go.”
“Yesterday we hung out, and when I brought it up again, he shut it down. He somehow makes me think it’s nothing and changes the subject, and I don’t even notice it.”
“I don’t want to keep nagging him, but I’m still not satisfied.”
The OP still felt conflicted about it.
“My friends say I overthink and ruin good things, but I can’t let it go. I’m still upset it happened, but I don’t know if I’m overdoing it.”
“I promise you, I’m not discriminating against his religion; it’s just weird. This whole thing is.”
“Am I overreacting? I’m not confrontational; I just need advice.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some were angry on the OP’s behalf by how he was trying to control her emotions.
“How does a person tell you that you weren’t uncomfortable, what the f**k? How the f**k does he know?” – AirhenLynne
“That’s really cool of him to let you know how you felt about it.” – Blood-blood-blood
“NOR!! Seriously!! ‘You weren’t uncomfortable’ made me irate.” – ReadtheReddit69
“I’m fuming for her! F**king livid! Like, I need to go look at cat pics for a few hours now. NOR NOR NOR.” – reddskittle
“This guy telling her how she felt made me big mad.”
“And he keeps calling her ‘babe,’ which is bizarre, too, this early in the relationship. Manipulative and f**kin creepy.”
“Oh, you didn’t leave, so you must have loved it! Couldn’t possibly have just been being polite, and much more so than anyone ever has to be in this situation, OP. If you’re not comfortable somewhere, get up and leave.”
“Anyone who doesn’t immediately respect that isn’t someone you want or need in your life. Also, yes, it is incredibly weird to spring something like this on you.”
“Honestly, everything about this guy is f**kin slimy. Not respecting how you obviously feel (and going so far to try and tell you that you don’t feel that way), calling you babe in every single message, taking you to something like this to begin with and then having the nerve to say ‘just didn’t come up naturally,’ and then admit he kept it private because of ‘what people say’ (which, by the way, people say for good reason).”
“And the fact that he knows he’s on thin ice and hasn’t even bothered to apologize even once, instead doing his best to manipulate. F**k that noise. You can do better, OP.” – buddha8298
Others urged her to exit the relationship before he attempted to convert her.
“What he actually did is one thing, but his reaction to her trying to have this conversation with him is even more telling to me. Straight cult sh*t, and I say this as someone who has JW relatives.”
“My JW family members are genuinely some of the nicest people I know, but at the end of the day, it will always be us vs. them in their eyes, and because the rest of my family would never be a part of their church, there’s only so close they would ever actually be with us.”
“I only mention this because OP needs to understand that he absolutely was not trying to do something nice for her; he brought her there for a reason. He absolutely had ulterior motives. A relationship with a JW is not going to work unless you’re also willing to become a JW.”
“He wasn’t trying to do something for you, OP; he wants you to convert for him. The buttering up and telling her how much everyone loved her and how amazing she did freaks me out and makes all of my alarm bells go off.” – ruby–moon
“He will 100% expect her to convert if the relationship is going anywhere, and that’s why he didn’t tell her prior to taking her there.”
“That is what they do, and unfortunately, I say this from experience.”
“They are indoctrinated to believe that they are ‘helping’ people by bringing them into their bulls**t. My ex, who I had known for 20 years and briefly dated before, NEVER mentioned the fact that he was raised JW until almost two years of us living together.”
“In the span of about eight months, things went downhill FAST. I was inundated with sudden visits from his brothers, he was attending meetings via Zoom from our living room TV, and asking that I sit with him for ‘support.'”
“Then he suddenly had a problem with holidays, which he knew were my favorite things to celebrate, and eventually began throwing out my clothes that he felt were ‘demonic.'” – skeptic_narcoleptic
“He’s totally not acknowledging her experience, and even contradicting her about her own feelings. This is not a good sign. This doesn’t get better (without quite a bit of counseling).”
“His religion is generally considered a cult, which is why he didn’t tell her, and why he’s trying so hard to make her feel that she’s been accepted. They have quotas. I kid you not.” – ArtistAmantiLisa
“The telling her she WASN’T uncomfortable was the final red flag. Along with forcing you into that situation (and calling it a ‘surprise’) is classic cult behavior, and even if you dodge the cult, you still have a partner that tells you what and who you are instead of listening to you.”
“The biggest fallacy of youth is that these types of behaviors will get better over time, or you can help him change. These controlling behaviors are ingrained in his personality and get FAR worse over time.”
“It ONLY gets worse. If you don’t like being told who you are now, imagine this times 10. You are young; he has to woo you to get you to stick around. Later, that need to keep you interested goes away, and the real him comes out.”
“Much later than that, you hit middle age, and as the disappointment in things lost sets in, the inevitability of death is realized, people fall back to their WORST instincts to try to control and/or punish those around them they are trying to blame for life not going as expected.”
“This type of controlling behavior becomes dangerous.”
“You (probably) don’t want all that. You are young, find a guy that won’t tell you how you feel and won’t trick you into doing things he KNOWS you would have refused if he just straight up asked you.”
“That is all without even addressing the JW sh*t and its cult like dogma.” – Sartres_Roommate
“As an ex-JW, this is so crazy, because I know they bombarded you by all meeting you at once.”
“He definitely took you to a meeting to try to convert you because JWs do not believe in relationships with ‘worldly’ (non-witness) people. Girl, run.” – Comprehensive-Pea422
After reading the comments, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“I spent so many hours reading everyone’s advice here, and things finally made sense for me.”
“We hung out yesterday, and I just started asking him questions about his faith.”
“He was pretty honest, said he really sees his future with a girl who’s also a Jehovah’s Witness.”
“I told him I have zero plans, now or ever, to get into his faith, practice it, or even learn about it.”
“You could see his whole mood change then. He tried telling me with a bunch of ‘what if’ situations, but I just kept saying no.”
“I said, ‘Look, there’s no future here, it’s probably best we just end this.’ He agreed. It actually ended pretty maturely, and he was sweet about it.”
“Then today, I get this message from him.”
The OP shared the screenshots of the messages she received:
“I’m gonna get this off my chest, and then I’m done.”
“I don’t expect a reply; actuall,y don’t reply at all.”
“You couldn’t commit to anything real… always chasing whatever felt good for a second in this world.”
“That’s why you’ll always be stuck looking for something more, but never finding it where it matters… in light… in faith.”
“I actually tried to fool myself about you… tried to make myself believe we could work, even though my gut was screaming no.”
“In almost three months, I’ve sinned and done things I’m not proud of. You’ve brought the worst out of me.”
The ex-boyfriend continued to text:
“You made me want to forget it all… made me do stupid things, just to get a feeling that disappeared anyway.”
“I’m disgusted with myself, and I’m only realizing that now.”
“I’m glad it’s over so I can focus on myself and my faith. You’re just… unsaveable. Too far gone into everything that doesn’t matter.”
“There’s no getting through that… no changing you. I’m glad we ended this; it’s better this way… All the best with whatever you’re looking for.”
The OP responded:
“Ok, and good luck with whatever you’re battling, because you really need it.”
The OP appreciated the clarity she found in the subReddit.
“Seriously, thank you to everyone who commented. Your advice really woke me up. I honestly just needed someone a bit older and wiser to tell me my gut feeling about that first church meeting was valid, cause none of my friends really got why I was so uncomfortable.”
Fellow Redditors were shocked by the ex’s switch-up and were grateful that the OP got out of there sooner rather than later.
“Holy crap! (Pun only partially unintended!!) What a tool this guy is.”
“He couldn’t gaslight you, so he has to try to make his failure your fault. You also gotta love ‘nice guys’ like this who are so cowardly, they won’t say anything negative to your face, but instead will wait until they’re alone with their phone, squatting in the dark like the troll they are, to spew their bulls**t.”
“I’m so glad you’re away from this guy. You deserve and can do so much better!!” – BlueBirdOcean
“I love the ‘Imma subject you to my analysis of everything that’s wrong with you, but don’t bother replying.’ What a self-important jerk.”
“Thinks he has the wisdom of God shining out his a** and absolutely needs her to know it, but has zero intention of listening to anything she has to say.”
“Why would anyone even bother to read beyond that? If he’s not interested in what I have to say, then why would I care about anything that comes out of his mouth? Bye!” – TheRealSaerileth
“I love the part where he blames you for him ‘sinning.’ Very nice of him to encapsulate one of the things you had to look forward to if you stayed with him.”
“Congratulations! I’m glad you dodged this bullet.” – Endorenna
“Wait for him to switch up again and come crawling back. Look up ‘love bombing’ if you aren’t familiar. He will realize that he f**ked up and will (briefly) act perfect in a last-ditch effort to get you back.”
“Don’t fall for it! And when you don’t fall for it… Stay away. He will probably lose his s**t, possibly in person this time.” – Revolutionary_Wrap76
“Your response was perfect.”
“That was the point of his sending you all of those nasty texts. He was trying to upset you. Don’t let him think he even has the ability to hurt you.”
“As an older, somewhat wiser person, I would encourage you to be more firm in your statements. You pushed back when he was gaslighting you (which was so good), but you also seemed uncertain, so he felt like he could continue to push you.”
“People treat you how you allow them to treat you. As a woman raised in the south to be a people pleaser, it took me way too long to fully grasp that statement. Keep up the good work!” – Allergictosquirrels
The subReddit was shocked by how the ex-boyfriend first tried to control the OP’s narrative about her own experiences at the Jehovah’s Witness meeting, only to pull a complete switch when he didn’t get what he wanted in the end.
It’s perfectly okay for the OP to believe what she believes, and for her ex to believe what he believes, but if she were required to accommodate his beliefs for the relationship to work, there were plenty of other Jehovah’s Witness fish in the sea for him.