"It's the thought that counts."
That's what people always say when it comes to giving and receiving presents.
After all, a homemade card could prove to be as meaningful as a diamond necklace is to others.
Unfortunately, the significance of presents to certain people depends entirely on the price tag.
Redditor llamadizo was discussing Christmas presents with her sister.
In these discussions, the delicate issue of the budget came up.
Much to the original poster (OP)'s disappointment, her sister's budget was considerably less than her own.
After confronting her sister about this, the OP took to the subreddit "Am I The A**hole (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA if I (24 F[emale]) want to spend the same amount of money on gifts for my sister (19 F)?"
The OP explained why she was not happy with her sister's allotted budget on Christmas presents:
"My sister (19 F) wants to gift each other holiday gifts."
"She showed me a pair of shoes that cost $110."
"I (24 F) asked her if she would buy me something also worth around $110, and she said no."
"I asked her what her spending limit is."
"She asked me why she needs to tell me a limit, and I said so that I know how much I will also spend on her."
"She was confused and wanted me to spend more on her than she spends on me."
"It's true I have a real job, and she only has a cafe job, but she has a considerable amount saved up (15k+), as do I, and can definitely afford to spend the same amount."
"She told me she would like to only pay $50 for my gifts, and I said that's not fair really."
"She told me that she doesn't want to fight, and actually, we should not swap gifts."
"Now she is upset with me."
"For background info, our parents are/were paying for both our colleges, so we have no debt and we have spent no money of our own on college nor housing because they also house us."
"She has said she will have to pay for dental school by herself, which is why she is saving up, but I'm assuming not all of the paying will be by her; my parents will probably chip in."
"She and I are only kind of close, not the closest sisters in the world."
"She is not there when I need her to be, and I am always there when she needs me."
"She always says no when I need a favor or some help."
"She has stated herself that she always says no and should really start saying yes, especially to simple, important stuff like bringing toilet paper if the paper is out and bringing medicine if the pain is too much to walk around."
"I have friends not very closer to me that are more dependable than she is to be honest."
"They are also much nicer."
"I have spent a considerable amount on my friends and other family, for example buying my best friend a $700 dog, giving my dad $5000 for part of the roof repairs, and buying my cousin $200+ shoes for his birthday every year."
"I buy things for people when I see something that makes me think of them because if they made me that happy, I want to give them something to show them how happy they made me, how kind they are, and how valuable of a friend/family member they've been."
"I'd like to mention that she studied every day for 3 months and passed a hard exam called the DAT. I gave her $250 because I felt so happy for her, and she has a different style than I do, so giving her money would be best so she can buy what she'd like."
"In contrast, other than my birthday (spent less than $100) (I spent $200 for hers), she has bought me a $10 item for my fish."
"We have had this issue for a while now ever since she started using her own money to buy gifts for me."
"I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to buy her stuff, but I also wanted to be treated in return, if not by being nice, then at least with gifts."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not they believed the OP was the a**hole for wanting her sister to spend the same amount as her on Christmas presents.
Some didn't think anyone came off looking particularly good, feeling everyone was doing too many side-by-side comparisons and not really thinking about being personal with their presents:
"ESH."
"The language you use to talk about your sister makes me think you just don't like her very much and that you value everyone above her, but at the same time, I can understand your frustration."
"It does suck not to have people put the same care into your gifts that you do for theirs."
"The whole situation sounds a little exhausting, honestly."
"When it's gotten to the point that everything is about a side-by-side breakdown of who's spending what and how much goes to who, you've missed the point of giving."
"If you care about your sister, you should work on repairing this relationship, because it sounds as though it's in dire straits."- Asidian_M
"Honestly, ESH."
"Your sister sucks for expecting you to buy her something big, but not for her to be willing to spend the same amount on you."
"And you suck for having zero issue spending a ton of money on everyone else with nothing in return, but you're expecting something equal in return from your sister."
"Of course friends are going to be nicer to you than your own sibling."
"Friends are choosing to be friends with you, your sister had no choice to be related to you."
"That's just how siblings vs friends are."
"But you're willing to buy your friend an $800 dog, your cousin $200+ shoes every year, but you won't buy your sister $100 shoes because she's only going to spend $50 on you?"
"Please."- Potockinson2010
While others felt this wasn't really an issue of "fairness", but that the OP simply didn't like her sister:
"'I (F24) asked her if she would buy me something also worth around $110, and she said no'."
"It's kind of tacky to ask someone how much they plan to spend on you, but her proposal is a little unfair."
"'I have a real job, and she only has a cafe job'."
"You're expecting a teenager who's in school to spend as much as an adult who's a few years into working a real job?"
"Sliding towards a**hole territory."
"I have spent a considerable amount on my friends and other family, for example buying my best friend a $700 dog, giving my dad $5000 for part of the roof repairs, and buying my cousin $200$+ shoes for his birthday every year'."
"You really just don't like your sister, do you?"
"YTA for pretending that this is all about 'fairness'." _goblinette_
"YTA dude you spent $800 on a dog for your friend, obviously have a lot of money, and can't treat your little sister who is saving up for dental school."
"It's fine if you don't want to spend $110 on her, but it's clear that you're obsessed with spending the same amount of money as her, when you're clearly in completely different life stages."-clackiestclacker
Then there were those who felt that the OP's frustrations were justified in finding her sister sitngy:
"NTA."
"She asked for something pricey."
"It's only fair to expect something similar back."
"Nobody wants to drop a Benjamin on somebody's gift and get a Dollar Store pair of earbuds in return."- RandomModder05
The OP later returned with an update, in an effort to shed some clarity on her situation:
"When I wrote real job, I meant that she is in a part-time job, while it is great and a good place to spend her time to make her savings grow, it's not her forever job."
"Dentistry is her passion."
"That's all I meant."
"Cafe jobs are 1000000% real jobs."
"She does not know I spent money on my best friend's dog, and she does not know about my cousins shoes."
"She does know about my donation to my family's roof."
"Also, I'm an extremely frugal person, the three large spends that I mentioned are the MOST I've ever spent on people."
"I just included those to show that I can be generous."
"It's so odd seeing people say wow, you spend so much when I'm literally the opposite lmao."
"My parents frequently say Girl, you need to spend more on yourself."
"There's a 3000-word character limit, I only added how she is selfish and not helping me out when I need it most, for example, with the TP and pain pills."
"Frankly I only added those because they were the easiest to explain."
"If I added more, I'd have to make a whole new reddit post just to explain the messed up way she treats me."
"I DO NOT expect anyone to spend as much as I spend on them, I just wanted to be nice."
"But it's specifically different with her."
"Everyone else treats me with decency, and is kind to me, and helps me out here and there."
"Not her."
"So if I must get her something, I also want something back because it's only fair."
"To be honest, a lot of people are saying just to say that's not within my budget."
"But she knows how much I have."
"So even if I said that, it's not something that would get past her."
"I needed to specifically say, let's get gifts that cost around the same, so that she sees that what she is asking from me is too much even for her to give to me."
"What I didn't expect is for her to be mad."
"We want to go to therapy, at the moment she is busy in school, but once summer rolls around we will hopefully do it."
"We are a family that likes to say specifically what we want, price tag and all."
"We even send links to the item so the wrong item is not bought."
"Sometimes we buy something secret, but rarely."
"Even then it's super hinted at."
"We don't buy things a lot because all of our money goes into our school costs, so when we do buy it's a big deal."
"It's a show of what the person means to us, and when we use the item and wear it, we always say, (blank) bought it for me."
"She has a billion things from me, and I have like 2 in total. It's not the best feeling."
"I just wanted to be cared about by her."
Sadly, the OP can't seem to see past the price tag of her presents.
As many have observed, however, this seems a bit less about how much her sister's presents will cost, but more about her relationship with her sister.
Something she can hopefully work out before Christmas...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp