More often than not, there's very little people want to hear less than the truth.
Even if the truth has an inevitable way of coming out, many people go out of their way to avoid hearing it.
As it can be a painful reminder of something they don't want to believe, or don't want to be true.
The son of Redditor ercanercan recently went through a painful break-up.
While the young man was unsure of why things didn't work out, the original poster (OP) was well aware.
When he told his son his honest opinion, his son and wife were less than appreciative.
Wondering if they had done the wrong thing, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my son he basically caused his own breakup?"
The OP explained why their son did not appreciate his honest opinion of why his relationship failed:
"My son never once went to see his long-distance lover, who came to visit him nearly every month."
"He refused to try despite my constant encouragement, in part because my wife insisted that she was afraid of his flying."
"Eventually, the relationship ended, and the girlfriend is now seeing someone else."
"I explained to my kid that I knew why she had left and that he was to blame for it because he had made no attempt to maintain the connection."
"He and my wife are now furious with me."
"I continue to believe that it was true."
"AITA for expressing it?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was generally in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for telling his son the truth.
Nearly everyone agreed that not only was the OP correct in his assessment, but that his son needed to hear it, with some even wondering if the OP's wife was partially to blame for enabling their son:
"NTA."
"Though I suspect that's only part of the story, yeah, I'll bet the GF was feeling this was pretty one-sided."- Sensitive_Coconut339
"NTA."
"I guess he's been complaining, and you served him some hard, cold truth."- Necessary-Fly-1095
"NTA."
"But I'm confused - are you saying that your son never flew to see his girlfriend because his MOM is afraid of flying?"
"Is that what happened?"
"Why would HER fear of flying mean that HE can't fly?"
"Was she not letting him fly?"
"If so, is he an adult who is capable of living his own life and making his own decisions?"
"LDRs are really difficult and both people have to put an equal amount of energy into communicating, visiting, and making it work."
"She did all the work - spent all the money, took all the time and energy to travel to him, and he didn't reciprocate."
"This isn't just about flying, but about making an effort."
"You are 100% right, and while I'm sure it stung for him to hear it, he needed to hear it."
"Wife is upset because if she was the reason he wasn't flying, you're technically blaming her too, which naturally is going to sting for her as well."
"And it means that son will start to blame her too, which of course she doesn't want."
"You aren't wrong, and sometimes you have to be honest and give some tough love to people."- Money-Possibility606
"NTA relationships can't be one sided."- GollumTrees
"NTA."
"If anything, your wife helped ruin that relationship."
"I think you should talk to your wife about backing off and letting son make his own decisions."
"No girl wants to date a boy who has an unhealthy, parasitical relationship with their mother."
"It's wonderful to have good family relationships, it's weird and toxic to allow family to dictate the relationship, which is what happened in this case."- Sun_Blossoms
"NTA."
"You are parenting."
"Love is not blind support."- Equivalent-Ad1173
"NTA truth hurts."
"Sounds like he's a mamas boy."
"Maybe he'll ween himself off of the teet one day."- DumbBees2
"NTA."
"He needs to treat this as a learning opportunity to help him in his next relationship."
"Relationships require effort from both sides, so he should learn to put more work into maintaining it."- HolSmGamer
"NTA."
"His dating standards only align with his mother, and her belief system, so if that's the case then he is incompatible with dating."
"Either he grows up and realizes that or he is doomed to be the mama's boy left alone with his mama."
"She is an enabler of his behaviors, and if he does not realize that everybody does not count her as their beacon of reason, then that is entirely his choice and he has to live with the consequences and repercussions of that."- gurlwithdragontat2
"Does your wife often stop him from doing activities becauae of her fear?"
"NTA, OP."- West_House_2085
"NTA."
"Sure, it hurts being told you're the one who messed up, but these are important lessons to learn and it's better hearing that from someone who unconditionally loves you than to not."- that1senpai2
"NTA - Truth hurts."
"She was putting in the work to show she valued him and he just, didn't."- mute1
"NTA It is true but your son does not want to hear it."
"Sometimes it's better to pose questions."
"'Do you think that the break up had anything to do with the fact that you have not visited her?'"
"If your son responds no… then save your breath."- ScaryButterscotch474
"NTA, he needs to hear it."- A-namethatsavailable
"I'd say you're NTA for expressing your thoughts, but you could have communicated them more effectively."
"It seems like maybe your wife feels guilty and reacted because she sensed you were suggesting that her fear of him flying contributed to the breakup, while in her mind she was just trying to keep her son safe."
"I'm not sure what your son is thinking, but sometimes asking something like, 'Do you think your decision not to visit her might have had anything to do with the breakup?' can get the point across without triggering an angry reaction."- the_phoenix4
"NTA- he needed to know if he wants a girlfriend he needs to make the effort and it's not just up to her."
"I'm glad she found someone new."
"I'm tired of these woman running behind a man that don't give 2c and they running behind him."-loveyou-first
"I would say you're NTA, but also it sounds like you don't know the full story to fully evaluate how the relationship went down and ended eventually."
"It might help the relationship with your son to ask him if he wants to talk about it perhaps you can find out more about the dynamic between them and it might help you understand what happened."-simmysoo
"NTA."
"He needs to hear this to he can learn from it if/when he goes into his next relationship."
"It takes both sides to make it work and she left for a reason."- amelia611
"NTA."
"He needed to hear it."
"As for your wife, why is she mad?"- Due_Masterpiece_4155
"NTA."
"The boy set himself up for failure and learned a valuable lesson."
"DON'T LOOK FOR EXCUSES TO NOT PUT EFFORT INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS!"
"You gave him the correct information."
"He will need this for future relationships and learn and grow."- snoopysnoop2021
"NTA."
"They can be mad all they want, but that doesn't change the truth."
"If your son is really that afraid of flying then the relationship was doomed."- Rare-Lettuce8044
"NTA."
"But why are you involved in your son's love life?"- grumpi-otter
"You're Right!"
"NTA."- Cute_Classroom6719
There were a few, however, who felt that the OP may have overstepped and that his son should have come to realize this on his own, even if they didn't think his opinion was wrong:
"ESH."
"If your son is old enough to have a 'long-distance lover', he is old enough to manage his own relationship with that person without listening to your opinions about how often he should visit or his mother's fears about him flying."
"Both you and your wife should step off, and your son should make his own decisions."-Scrabblement
"Ehhh, ESH, but there's not enough information here to really make a judgement."
"Long-distance relationships require a *ton* of work on both parties' part, and it sounds like you are right on the money here -- never going to see your partner is a tough sell in a long-distance relationship."
"That said, being right isn't everything."
"Sure, your kid might have needed to be told that, but there's almost never just one reason that relationships end. these situations have nuance, and I think your delivery glosses over that and is generally insensitive."
"What other reasons were there for the relationship ending?"- 64616e6e79
It's never a good feeling to be told that you are one hundred percent responsible for things going wrong.
That being said, we also need to learn from our mistakes, so hopefully, the OP's son will take this as a learning opportunity to make sure any future relationships aren't as one-sided.
At the end of the day, honesty is, indeed, always the best policy.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp