Parenting changes quite a bit when the child becomes an adult.
No longer a dependent little kid nor even a confused teenager, the young person joins the ranks of the wider world of free-roaming people making their own choices.
One parent on Reddit—who dubbed himself AITA_BadFather on the site—recently found himself face to face with his son’s independent lifestyle.
His response to the discovery led to some complicated family dynamics, so he posted to the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit for feedback.
His title for the post cut right to the chase.Â
“AITA for ‘slut shaming’ my son?”
The Original Poster (OP) kicked off with some family history.Â
“My son, Logan (21) and I have never really had the greatest relationship. His mother and I split up when he was 7 and I moved a few hours away with my new wife.”
“We still spoke on the phone, I paid child support and I’d visit him if I wasn’t too busy (especially for his birthday and around Christmas).”
“As he got older, Logan started to resent me a little bit as I spent more time with his half siblings than I spent with him. But this couldn’t really be helped.”
OP followed that up with some venting.Â
“One of our common arguments was about how inappropriate he dresses. Logan has some serious body confidence issues and tends to disguise that by colouring his hair very bright colours, getting piercings and, most importantly, wearing (in my opinion) some pretty revealing clothes.”
“He wears a choker/collar thing a lot which he says is just his fashion choice, he wears shorts that are a little too short (nothing extremely revealing but definitely a bit shorter than a normal man’s shorts)…”
“…and I have even seen photos of him on Facebook wearing some sort of belly top thing at a pride march.
“He also takes a lot of pride in his appearance (e.g. makeup, painting his nails etc.). I just haven’t ever approved of this sort of fashion sense, however, his mum is completely fine with it and, well, he does live with her.”
Recently, a development arose.
“Around two months ago, Logan and his mum had to find somewhere else to stay due to renovations.”
“My ex wife’s sister said they could stay with her but as they only have one bedroom, my wife and I offered to let Logan stay with us for a little while.”
“Everything was fine, Logan had even agreed to dress a little more conservatively around my kids.”
But nothing lasts forever.
“However, a week or two later, I had to check an email about my youngest’s school and, since my phone was dead and my wife had the laptop, I decided to just quickly check my email on Logan’s laptop whilst he was out shopping.”
“I was shocked with what I found.”
And the discovery was only the beginning.Â
“Logan was logged into messenger and was sending disgusting, sexual messages to another man. There were no pictures but the messages really grossed me out.”
“I questioned Logan about them when he got back and this just started an argument about privacy. I tried to argue that this wasn’t the point, he had been sending disgusting messages to another man.”
With time, OP uncovered even more.
“I found out through Logan that his mum knew about this. He had (before [the pandemic]) been going out on a bunch of dates and whoring himself out to whatever man called him pretty.”
“My ex wife had made sure that he took condoms with him, went through some safety procedures and just allowed him to act like a tramp.”
“I was disgusted and told him as much.”
OP has been knee-deep in the fallout ever since.Â
“His face just fell and he walked out of the room. He went to his aunt’s house with his mum and has been ignoring me since.”
“I’ve had a few angry conversations with my wife where she has accused me of making my son think I’m ashamed of him. I’m ashamed of his behaviour, not him.”
“My wife has also argued that I may have been a bit harsh but she understands why I freaked.”
“Reddit, AITA?”
After receiving some common responses, the OP returned with an edit to address them.
“A lot of people seem to think I’m trying to play psychiatrist when it comes to Logan’s self confidence issues. He does have self confidence issues.”
“I don’ know whether or not I am part of it but I do know a lot of it was caused by bullying when he was in school. My ex wife and I have spoken about it before and she has admitted that sometimes he won’t even let her see him without makeup/hair done etc… as he’s not happy with how he looks.”
“Yes, he is brave for wearing what he wears, I see that now, but my ex wife and I both know for a fact that if he had to dye his hair back to his natural colour, leave the make up and wear a generic outfit, he would not be comfortable. Hopefully this clear that up for some people.”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked to share their thoughts by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
A hefty majority of Redditors called OP the a**hole. They cited a few reasons.Â
Some responded with a direct accusation.Â
“YTA. You’re homophobic. Full stop. That’s it. Find something better to worry about than a grown adults sex life.” — BaconEggAndCheeseSPK
“YTA. The issue isn’t his clothing. It’s that you’re homophobic.”
“Please please grow a bit and understand he’s not doing this to hurt you. All your actions right now are hurting him. Full stop.” — nerdforest
“YTA. you sound like a bad dad and a homophobe to boot. ever sexted your wife? bet he wouldn’t wanna read that either” — 2disc
Others highlighted the flaws of the past.Â
“YTA. I almost stopped reading at ‘I’d visit him if I wasn’t to busy’ – but kept reading since that’s not what you were asking for judgment on.”
“But yeah, holy sh** YTA.” — but-whyy-tho
“YTA. You abandoned your 7 year old son for your new family. You have no right to make any judgments about his life. Enjoy.” — alimorganph
“YTA – abandoned your kid for the new side piece. You visit if you aren’t too busy. You paid the mandated child support. Father of the Year aren’t you.”
“What an AH. You are a sperm donor and get no voice in Logan’s life. Ugh.” — gmgecko
“YTA. You ignore him growing up. You ridicule his fashion. You invade his privacy. You attack him, an adult for his sexuality and sexual activity.”
“Just one more reason for him to hate you but you probably don’t care since you don’t seem to care about him.” — lincmidd
Plenty of people emphasized Logan’s age and place in life.Â
“YTA. He’s an adult. He can have conversations with other adults about sexual things. He can also dress how he wants to and paint his nails.”
“Who the f*** cares if he was having sex with multiple partners as long as he was safe?
“You aren’t his penis police. Keep your sex shaming and barely veiled homophobia to yourself.” — cubbiegthrow
“YTA. How is his sex life or the way he dresses any of your business?”
“Sounds like you’ve been a pretty absent father so far, and it’s rich that you think you can suddenly become a disciplinarian to your ADULT son.” — booplydooply2
“Yes, YTA. He is a grown man living his life how he wants. You may not agree but he isn’t bound by your ideas of what is proper and what isn’t.”
“You should apologize if you want any chance of a reconciliation.” — DarkenedRuins
After reviewing the onslaught of feedback, OP added a few more thoughts to the original post.
“Edit – Okay I understand, I’m the AH. It hurt to read all of those comments about me being an awful father but they are sort of true.”
“I shouldn’t have read the messages and I should’ve had more control rather than just freaking out. I was shocked, no parent wants to read about their kids sex life.”
He responded directly to the accusations of homophobia.Â
“I just wanted to clear a few things up though, not that it will make me any less of an AH.”
“I do not have any problems with Logan being gay. He came out to me when he was 15, after he got his first boyfriend.”
“He’d come out to his mum a year earlier, it hurt that he felt like he couldn’t tell me first but I get it. I told him I didn’t have any issues, as long as he was happy.”
Then he attempted to set the record straight.Â
“The problem I have is that he was sleeping around and is still sexually messaging a bunch of men. If he were my daughter instead or was messaging girls I’d still have the same reaction.”
“It’s not about his sexuality, it’s about him not knowing his self worth, I would love for him to be in a relationship with a nice guy, not sleeping around to feel more secure.”
“Besides, it can be dangerous.”
Unfortunately, all these clarifications were only seen by the folks of the internet, and not the person OP really wanted to speak to.
“Anyway, I have tried reaching out to Logan but haven’t heard anything back. If he does get in contact then I will be ready to apologise, until then I’ll keep trying to reach out to him.”
For OP, only time will tell if he’s able to make contact with his son again to say all he wants to say and hash things out.