Perhaps what people look forward to the most about getting married is a seeming end to loneliness.
Committing to the love of your life means sharing the rest of your life with them.
Of course, even those who hate being lonely might need some alone time every now and then.
A concept that not all spouses fully understand.
Redditor ThrowawayEntrance556 had some upcoming time off from work and thought it might be a good opportunity to take a solo trip.
Of course, before committing to the trip, the original poster (OP) ensured his doing so was all right with his wife.
While his wife initially agreed, she began to show some resistance to the idea as the trip grew closer.
Unsure of what to do, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for planning to take a solo weekend trip and leaving my wife at home by herself?"
The OP explained why they had sudden doubts about taking a solo trip:
"I (42 M[ale]) am married to my wife (35 F)."
"I like to travel- that's pretty much my only hobby."
"My wife enjoys travel too."
"My wife has been at her sisters out of state for the past 3.5 weeks given her sister had a baby and she wanted to be with her."
"During this time I have been by myself, taking care of our 12 year old son and managing full time-work, house and all our son's activities."
"I found myself with a 4 day weekend coming up for MLK weekend and I asked her if I can take a solo trip to a foreign country."
"She agreed if I agreed to let her extend her visit at her sisters by a week- so she can spend more time with the new born."
"She will be back before that MLK weekend starts."
"She can not travel international right now as we are waiting on her green card."
"Our son has a camp date with his friends that weekend that he will be gone for, leaving my wife by herself at home."
"I booked my flights and hotels."
"Now my wife is taking me on a guilt trip that I am going by myself and leaving her home by herself."
"I can cancel the tickets- they're refundable but I was looking forward to a little solo respite."
"Am I the a**hole to take this solo trip by my self?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for going on a solo trip.
Everyone agreed that after the OP was away from home for a month, she was not in a position to guilt-trip the OP for taking a solo trip, especially after he cared for their child and home while she was away:
"NTA."
"She's been gone for nearly a month?"
"Come on."
"Tell her to enjoy some alone time at a spa or something."
"You'll be doing the same."
"On your trip."
"Which you've already planned."
"Go have a good time."- Beautiful_Arm8364
"NTA."
"She's taken, what, 30+/- days to do something while you hold down the fort."
"You're taking, 4 days as respite."
"During that 4 days your wife likely won't need to work because it's a holiday weekend and your son will be with his friends for a period of time, minimizing her caretaking."
"She may see her trip to her sisters as a 'working trip' because caring for a new family isn't necessarily a vacation, but you deserve a break too."- SunshineSeriesB
"NTA."
"You cleared it with her and now she's having a pity party?"
"I think I missed a step."- Big_b00bs_Cold_Heart
"NTA."
"You've held down the fort for a month, for her to be with her sister."
"She can be alone for a few days."
"It's quite selfish of her to be trying to convince you otherwise."- Jerseygirl2468
"NTA."
"You talked to her, she said she's fine with it."
"She doesn't get to backtrack now."
"She's a full blown adult and can act like it."- Equivalent_Secret_26
"NTA."
"She had already told you it was fine if she got to extend her trip- which she did."
"Now she is changing the goal post."
"You deserve a break after holding down the fort by yourself."
"You'd think she would want some alone time... I'd be so excited."- bamsandme
"NTA."
"She's got fomo and has to deal."- deadxroses21
"NTA."
"Wife here!"
"Take your trip man."
"Have fun and ABSOLUTELY guilt free time."- AppointmentMountain8
"NTA."
"She can be by herself, it's not fatal."- FairyCompetent
"NTA."
"I don't understand her complains at all."
"She has a few days all alone and can do whatever she wants."
"Sounds great for me."- bizianka
"Man, I'd give a lot of money for 4 days by myself at home with no partner or kids around."
"Your wife needs to think outside the box a bit, or maybe she just need to learn to enjoy her own company."
"NTA."- FrenchRoo
"NTA."
"Go on your trip guilt free!"- FiveKitties-in-MD
"NTA."
"Enjoy your trip!"- Should-Stop-This
"NTA."
"Your wife is being a little selfish but probably just for FOMO reasons."
"It's human."
"But go anyway!"
"Life is short and you matter, too."- SlinkyMalinky20
"NTA."
"But you need to directly ask her if she has a problem with you going solo."
"And f she says yes, hash it out before the trip. If she says no, remind her of this answer when she guilt trips."- Oktodayithink
"You bothered to ask her before hand, she already said yes, and now she's going back on her yes and guilt tripping you."
"Have you pointed this out to her?"
"Definitely NTA."- gp2115two
"NTA."
"What adult woman wouldn't look forward to a little time alone?"
"As an adult woman I just can't fathom it."
"I love the occasional few days alone."
"She has friends, right?"
"She can't plan a girls weekend or just have friends over if she doesn't want to be alone?"
"This reaction is a completely foreign concept to me."- witx
"NTA."
"Wife has been gone a month."
"Over Christmas and is giving you grief."
"Oh hell no."- Mueryk
"LOL, NTA."
"But she is."- ImAMorty777
"NTA."
"But if the point is to try and stay married you need to get off Reddit."
"Sometimes it doesn't matter whether you are technically wrong."
"Have you considered she missed you and you are basically broadcasting you can't wait to get away from her after a month apart?"
"Perception is reality."
"You seem like maybe you are a little oblivious."
"Feel free to downvote me to hell."
"But this is a bad idea right or wrong."- Senior-Abies9969
"So your wife is okay with leaving you and her son for over a month?"
"NTA."
"I'm sure you are a wonderful father and have met all your son's needs for the last month, but it sounds like your wife has dipped out of parenting."
"That's a very long time for a 12 year old."- Fun-Holiday9016
"NTA."
"NTA for wanting a solo trip."
"But there is no way in hell that I would leave someone I cared about and who doesn't have a green card alone in the house anywhere in the US right now."- RPG_Rob
"NTA for wanting to go alone."
"She got to spend 4 weeks away from you guys, and you're taking 4 days to recuperate from being the only caregiver during that time, which seems pretty reasonable."
"To be fair, she wasn't a visiting guest, but a working guest -- presumably she was there to provide support and caregiving to the new mom and baby -- so I'm assuming she could also use those 4 days to relax."
"You guys do need to have a conversation about it so you can reach a final decision."
"Does she perhaps want to make it a romantic weekend for the two of you, since your kid will be out camping?"
"Would that be an acceptable alternative for you?"
"Is she perhaps afraid of being alone?"
"Could she have a girl's weekend with her friends or take a spa day?"- Narwen189
"NTA."
"She voluntarily left both of you for a month."- Orangebiscuit234
"NTA."
"I would think she would want a few days at home alone."- Impressive_Moment786
"NTA."
"I hate when people say just talk, because obviously I've tried that, but you just haven't shared here how it went with her when you reminded her that she agreed to this and stayed an extra week and you didn't give her a hard time at all for spending a weekdoing something she wanted to do and leaving you with childcare and household responsibilities."
"Now if you told her that she was still a hypocrite, I would guilt trip her about her visit and talk about all the stuff you had to do when she was gone lol."- Raccoonsr29
Hearing that your spouse wants time away from you isn't exactly comforting news.
That being said, the OP didn't tell his wife that he wanted an escape from her, but rather a chance to recharge following nearly a month of managing their house on his own.
It's understandable how the idea of having the house to herself might seem less and less appealing to the OP's wife the closer it got.
That being said, perhaps she should have considered that before leveraging more time away with the OP...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp